2005

What a crazy year. Not just for me, but for our whole planet! I just ran through this great Year In Review thing by Yahoo. Its a photo slide thing... very neat. Seems that 2005 was the year of the Natural Disaster and Stirrings of Muslim Unrest. Anyhow...

Here is to a better 2006 for all of us!

Happy New Year!!

Click the photo below to be taken to the Yahoo Photo Year In Review!

Postcard ganked from PostSecret

"Sometimes you have to kill Uriah..."

Quite some time ago, my father and I shared a conversation together regarding the nature of God, man, faith, and repentance. We talk about those types of things a lot. Usually he just kicks back on the coach that sits in my office while I spin around in my big fancy leather chair. I love those conversations. I love reasoning through all the craziness that defines our lives. When we talk, we talk about everything... joys, hurts, trials. Its great.

What about Uriah? Read more!Anyhow, during one of these conversations, we became focused specifically on what causes a man to repent. What is the mysterious thing that brings one to fall on his knees before God in an effort to pour out his heart and soul, asking for forgiveness? Many athiests suggest that man's desire to repent is nothing more than some sort of deep narsicistic tendancy present in all of us. Christian folk will tell you that this desire is evidence of the fallen state of mankind... that we intrinsically KNOW we are messed up. But either way... why does one man repent (express remorse, apologize, and change his ways) and another does not? Is it that the one is more knowledgable, or humble, or obedient to God? ... These were the questions that we were discussing. 'Round and 'round we went. Musing, pondering, arguing, debating... 'twas good stuff.

One of the examples that we got around to was ol' King David and his debauchal of a love affair with Bathsheba. What caused David to repent? It wasn't that he found that he wasn't satisfied with his new lover or that he was convicted in his heart to change (yes yes, I know the Holy Spirit hadn't been emparted yet...). Rather, it took the dramatic event of a brutal prophecy and the taking of his son's life before David came to his senses and took responsibility for all that he had done.

The conversation with my dad then took a new turn. I wondered out loud if maybe God had been trying to teach a lesson to David long before the whole Bathsheba incident. Maybe David refused to learn that lesson, or maybe he couldn't! Maybe God said ok then... have it your way... and gave David what he desired: horrible murderous consequence and all. Eventually, that lead to the death of David's son. After the son died, David repented and turn to God again. I mused that maybe, in some strange way, all of that was necessary to happen so that David would come to know God more fully. Which ultimately lead to my now oft-referred to quote, "You know... sometimes you have to kill Uriah" (in order to progress your faith).

My dad laughed out loud (yes, a proverbial LOL event). More atme than with me. Kind of a "My boy, you are really messed up in your head" type of laugh.

Quasi-logical... and yet totally demented, no?

Pity me. Please.

End of the year already?

Crazy. 2006. Thats just absolute madness. Seems like it went Y2k, then 9/11, and now this... freakin' 2006.

My wife is always doing these silly little email surveys that her friends pass around. I love reading them and usually get a couple of laughs or gain a little insight in to whoever does 'em. So, I stole the idea from a friend's blog to use the survey as a sort of end of the year summary thing-a-ma-jig.

Double-Ganked from Rhonda's Blog.

Read my survey results!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

1.What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?

* Said, "I don't know" when asked if I believe in God * Started a blog * Saw Billy Crystal LIVE!*
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any resolution, per se... but I did set some goals. (lose weight, spend time with family, budget, etc.) I hit 'em all except one: excercise daily. grrr... I do have one resolution planned for '06.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yup, a bunch of them little critters poppin' up around us!
4. Did anyone close to you die? Nobody particularly close died to me. But my across-the-street neighbor of nearly ten years and his wife died suddenly and tragically in a head on car accident. They young, in their fourties. That hit me pretty hard.
5. What countries did you visit? Mexico.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? More peace of mind and clarity. 2005 was marked by inner turmoil for me.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? None. I am horrible with dates.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Coming to grips with the demise of my faith.
9. What was your biggest failure? Saying, "Not right now" to my son more times than I care to admit.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My baby: Infiniti G35 Coupe - Desert Platinum
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? My wife. Faithful friend that woman...
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Evil doers throught the world. Abusers, manipulators, child molesters, etc. ... well, you asked!
14.Where did most of your money go? My business expenses I suppose. But thats not a very fun answer. Second would have to be my mortgage. Thats no fun either. So, I'll answer the question as if we were just looking at discretionary money. Food is the winner hands down.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? What I always get excited about. Um, "quality time" with my wife.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Hmm. So hard to say. These type of associations always seem to come to be much farther down the line. Like three years from now I'll say, "OMG! That so reminds me of 2005!" But... if I must name a song, I'll say Boulevard of Broken Dreams by GreenDay.
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:// happier or sadder? Happier! // thinner or fatter? Thinner! // richer or poorer? Richer! - WoOt! I aced that section! :D
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Laughing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Medicating my inner pain.
20. Did you fall in love in 2005? Yup. All over again...
21. How many one-night stands? Well, sometimes my wife acts like she doesn't know me the next morning. Does that count?
22. What was your favourite TV program? Lost. Invasion.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? YOU.
24. What was the best book you read? Dissapointment with God
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? http://www.iiiiiiii.com/
26. What did you want and get? Health and happiness for my wife and kids.
27. What was your favourite film of this year? The Naked Gun. Its timeless.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Read about it here. 28.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To have figured it all out.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Tre-Miroslav. Lets just say I am not ashamed to roll out to the mall sportin P.J.s and my black leather jacket baby.
31. What kept you sane? Wow. Good question. ... Hope.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I try not to fancy people. I think that is so ... English.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? Them darned immigrants. Genocide (watched Hotel Rowanda for the first time. I was totally ignorant to all of it). World economic inbalance.
34. Who did you miss? My father. Sometimes I miss him even though I see him every day. I am sometimes scared that my 28 will soon turn to 38 which will turn to 48... and he won't live forever.
35. Who was the best new person you met? Oh.. there's ... um... Holy stinkin' crap! I just checked with the wife and we both agree that I don't think I've met anybody that I've actually developed relationship with. I've definately rekindled some old friendships but no new ones.
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: You don't have to have all the answers to be able to love or encourage somebody.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I walk a lonely road, the only road that I have ever known."
38. What was your favorite meal of 2005? Our office Christmas party that we held at The Melting Pot. Great food. Great company. A round of drinks on the house due to late seating. Good times.
39. What did you do in 2005 that you never expected or planned on doing? Lost my faith.
40. What do you regret not doing? Being 100% present in every situation I was in.
41. If you could pick one person you know who has changed the most this year, who would it be?Me. For sure.
42. What internet based thing moved you the most? (aka, postsecret, hurricane blogging, etc.) www.blogspot.com - I LOVE blogging.
43. If you could take back one thing, what would it be? All the times I bet on black and it hit red.
44. Describe a mundane moment that meant a lot to you. - Driving in my car... listening to the radio. Some overplayed pop song comes on and hits me somewhere in my heart that makes me think of all the people I love and how grateful I am for the amazing life I lead. I cry like a little boy... and love every second of it.

Early hilarities

Boy oh boy. I've already laughed my butt off TWICE and we haven't even gotten to Christmas Day yet. I hope I still have butt to laugh off when the actual day arrives.

Two quick stories...

1) Last night, my crazy uncle Edo shared a funny quote from John Stewart on The Daily Show. Irrevrant and cold-hearted... but stinking hilarious: "Just remember, every time you say 'Happy Holidays,' an angel gets AIDS."

2) This morning, my wife's side of the family came over and we all exchanged gifts. You've heard of re-gifting, right? Well how about re-carding? Impossible you say? No... its not. Check this out. Notice the rather formal text written inside the card? Or maybe the two perfectly placed, signed labels covering up a pre-signed signature? This will never be lived down. But I guess that's what I should expect given that my father-in-law works at a printing press.

Instant Classic:

"Hey everybody, check this out... he re-carded!"

"What did you say? Are you calling me retarded?!"

"No... hahahaha... I said you RE-CARDED!!"

Caught red handed, he blushes and starts laughing hysterically.

Blog tips from a self-proclaimed blogod

The Blog Basics. You need to read this post. Period. Read it now. All your questions answered. Tips from the pros. Ten easy steps to make a gazillion dollars while working less that one hour per week... FROM HOME!

Oooh... you've got me attention. READ MORE!

Blog Tips From Miroslav!
(stolen from other people of course... but re-typed by me)

1) "Uh, I don't get this. What the heck is a blog?" - I personally consider it my online, public diary. However, it is used by many different people for many different things. Great intro can be found here: Wikipedia's Definition of BLOG.

2) Scared to post a comment? - Blogs are most fun if you get engaged. Don't be shy to leave some remarks. For the timid, you have the option of remaining completely anonymous, or you can choose a "handle" (you know... like a trucker name... um, like "The Big Cheese" or "SugarPumpkinSkittles"). Once you get in to the swing of things, if you want to get more involved, you can choose to register (which is free) and you can put a photo up and create a profile and stuff. Or, just remain anonymous. Whatever. The first comment is the most intimidating... after that, its a breeze! Just click "comments" at the end of whichever post you want to comment on and you will be off and running. You should keep in mind that once you hit send, the whole world can see it, so be sure to think about what you are going to say before clicking that final "Publish" button.

3) Blog Feeds / Email Notification - Are you sick of going back to one of your favorite blog(s) in anticipation of a new post only to find that there hasn't been any? Click click click. Refresh refresh refresh. Lame and frustrating, ya know? Well, there are two ways to solve this problem. You can A) learn how to use RSS/Atom feeds and customize your homepage (ie. MyYahoo!, Custom Google, etc.) ... OR ... B) sign up for automatic email updates if the blog in question offers it.

A) RSS / Atom feeds: Most blogs choose to "syndicate" their blog via either an "Atom Feed" or "RSS Feed". As far as I understand it, and for the purposes of what I'm trying to explain here, think of it as a continually updating outbound stream of information. In essence, you can harness these feeds and use them to keep tabs on your favorite blogs. It will show you when new posts are made and give a brief snapshot of what was posted. So if, for instance, Miroslav's Musings is rambling on and on about God and Faith and all that sort of stuff, and all you are interested in is the really interesting parts like how I forget to clean my armpits when I bathe... then you can just bypass the former, and visit when the latter is posted. Make sense? Don't be scared off b/c you don't understand all the technology. I don't understand it either. hehe... Blogs/Sites that are "syndicated" (have an RSS or Atom Feed) usually have a symbol like this on the page which will tell you what the address is of the feed. To impliment this feature, go to the right hand of the screen... all the way down... until you see these symbols. Click one of em! Well, heck, here... I'll make it even easier for ya'!

Here is an example of what RSS / Atom feeds look like in action. Click to enlarge. Cool yeah?...



B) Automatic Email Updates: This option is definately more user friendly than pure RSS / Atom feeds. Unfortunately, most blogs DO NOT support this feature at this time (my blog does, in case you are wondering). Receiving email updates is pretty simple. You type in your email address which is added to a mailing list. You then receive an email updating you with every new post that is made. The cool thing about using email updates is that it is quick and easy and EVERYBODY has an email address (whereas not everybody will be able to use an RSS / Atom feed to customize their homepage depending on the service they use). The down side is that it emails you every day of the week. So if you are anything like me and get a TON of emails as it is... you may not want more. The well run email notification services (like the one I'm using) absolutely promise that they do not sell or distribute any emails on the mailing list... for whatever thats worth. So if they are true to their promise, you shouldn't get any spam from signing on. (I'm always very skeptical and cautious about putting my email out on the 'net cause I HATE spam, but it appears that FEEDblitz is pretty legit about this type of thing which is the only reason I've decided to use their services.) Anyhow, if you want to use this... just put in your email in the appropriate box over to the right at the bottom. Just FYI, by default I am sent a list of every email that is on my subscriber list. BUT, if you want to remain anonymous, that is an option. You simply have to choose that option when you are sent a subscription confirmation. More info can be found here.

4) Search Features - Are you curious what I've said about something in particular but don't want to read through my entire blog to find it? Just use the bar at the top of the screen silly! For instance, if you want to know what I've posted about faith... well, just type it the word in the top left box in the black navbar and hit "Search This Blog." Viola! Cool yeah? Keep in mind that the search function only searches my official posts... not comments that are added subsequently.
Another great feature of the navbar is the "Search All Blogs" option. Curious what the bloggers of the universe are saying about toe fungus? Type it in and click the button and off ya' go! Neat-o!

4) Want more? - Sick of the same old blogs? Want to step out of the box for a minute and see what kind of wackos there are in this world? Hit the "Next Blog" button in the top right hand corner in the NavBar. It will shoot you off to a random blog. Although blogspot (this server) does a pretty good job of keeping the really gnarly hardcore porn out... you may run across something offense... you've been warned. But hey, thats the internet for ya'. Just to give you an idea, I've been to roughly one hundred blogs and I can only think of two that were in your face crude.

5) Profile Adventures... - See my profile? If you look at the complete profile you will see some random questions that were posed to me when I registered. I'm kind of lame and didn't take the time to answer them... except for the one that asks, "Favorite Movies". Of course, as everybody knows... The Naked Gun is the best movie ever. So, thats what I put. Well check this out. Are you curious to know what other yahoos chose that as their favorite movie? Click on my answer, "The Naked Gun", and you will be shown a list of people who have that in their profile too. Neat, huh? Speaking of which... I better go add some stuff to my profile.

6) Learn the lingo - Blogger = The person who own/runs the blog. Posts = Entries made by the blogger. Comments = Entries made in response to Posts. Most blogs have a list in the column of the ten most recent posts. My blog ALSO has a list of the most recent comments. A new feature... :D Now you don't have to go scrambling through all the Posts to find out who is saying what!

7) Don't limit yourself - If you want to become a true blogod like yours truly, you cannot limit yourself to normal daylight hours. Is ten o'clock, or lets say midnight, normally a late night for you? We need to change that. I suggest that you take up the fine old discipline of insomnia. Push yourself. Use toothpicks to prop up your eyelids if you must. Make 2am your first target and go for it! I know you can do it!

Ok, thats all for now. This blogod is tired.

Sounds of Christmas

Tonight, while at a family Christmas party, I heard my little boy playing with my uncle and just giggling and laughing with joy. Such a pure sound. Had to share.

Best Behavior Now...

Ok. I've made an official invitation to a complete stranger to come chime in on stuff from time to time. Who knows if he'll take me up on my offer. I found his blog tonight while just stumbling around the huge blogosphere that seems to be growing exponentially by the day.

Jack H = Great writer. Man of faith. Deep thinker. Welcome here. ANYTIME.

If you don't read anything else on his blog... read this great poem.

My faith is lost in there somewhere I think.

So impressed, I added his blog (Forgotten Prophets) to my Blog Linkage.

Pulse Check

Either you have never lived in Oak Park, OR
You need to check your pulse,

...IF...

You don't at least smirk when you click HERE.

(And before you ask... NO! ... thats not me in the picture at the bottom. Jerk.)

Got me thinking...

Just read an interesting entry at a friend's blog.
Read it if you like, 'tis pretty short: The Answer Age

Recently, while looking at some office space to lease, my own thoughts travelled along this same path as Mr. D's in the above-referenced entry. My wife and I had walked in to an office space that was for lease and we were exploring each nook and cranny. We happened upon a stack of old encyclopedias. The memories that struck me! ... I started rambling off the top of my head, "Wow! Remember when you actually had to go research stuff? Back when each school project meant a trip to the library to look in Encyclopedias for stories, pictures, and data?"

What else did you think Miroslav? Tell us more!I drove home pondering many things. Mr. D's primary concern in his writing seems to be that we may have lost sight of the "great questions" of "Why am I in this world? What end is there for me? Why do I feel there is a definite right and a definite wrong?" .... My mind's travels did not lead me to the same quandry, though I don't deny that one exists.

No, instead my thoughts lead me to wonder what it must be like growing up in this ULTRA-Information Age. Where EVERYTHING is a google-click away. Friends, church, sex, agony, humor... Thinking about it with my kids in mind makes me sad in some strange way.

Is it just me that remember one of the most electrifying things about childhood was the wonderful mystery of life? Going to Disneyland was cool not just because of what Disneyland IS... but largely also because all that we knew about it as kids was MYTH. We had heard thingsabout it. Maybe seen a picture here and there. And had talked to other kids who had gone before us. But not like the kids today. Sure, going to Disneyland.com isn't going to sour any child on the idea of visiting the place... but that magical mystery of the unknown is stolen somehow. Makes me sad. I also get this feeling whenever I watch a movie, set back in the days of Babe Ruth, that shows a bunch of kids playing baseball in a old dirt field... They seem to have a magnificent, radiant innocence that is just not present in kids today. It seems that earlier and earlier, children are burdoned with the weight of knowledge. (weep, weep, sob, sob... oh the humanity of it all!!! ...)

But I wonder if thats what our parent's parents thought when the ol' TV's came rolling out. And way back when, when the typed word turned in to newspapers with photos. Maybe we are not so far along as we think we are with technology. Maybe the mystery of life will be stolen to much greater degree in the future. Or maybe the mysteries of life will continue to elude us so long as we inhabit this planet.

'Cause you know what? Even with the Internet, DVD's, and Micky on Tivo...
my son sure loves Disneyland.

The best part is

the giving. Seriously.

Yeah yeah, I know this is nothing new. But I forgot how much of a thrill it is to buy a kick arse present for somebody you care about. Its just so awesome to bring somebody some happiness with a thoughtful gift, ya know?

I gave one of my top 5 presents out tonight to one of my employees.
She LO V E D it.
Right now, my older brother is en route to pick up his monster gift. Can't wait to hand him this freakin' huge box that weighs a million and one pounds. And I think I'm going to give one of my wife's gifts to her tomorrow afternoon. I just can't wait any more. I wanted to give it to her about a week ago when I bought it... but I did the whole wrapping thing and everything. You know what? Screw it. She is getting the gift tomorrow for sure. She will have to wait on the others though. ... And that leaves me with about two or three gifts that I'm still excited about giving. Should be a fun Christmas!

Yes, giving is definately the best part.

Seizure Bots

A good friend of mine just had to send this over to me. After I clicked the link, I fell out of my chair and bit part of my tongue off ... but looking back, I guess it was kind of funny.

...Seizure Bots...

One fell off and bumped his head

Some poor little Native American puddle jumper is running around without his I.D. Card. So sad. Seriously... I went outside en route to my car a couple of weeks ago and found this laying in the gutter. I threw it in my ride, hoping to catch up with Kimosabe Tonto one day. Soon little one... soon.

Mic Check

Oh no I didn't. Oh yes I did. Mixmasta Miroslav is on the air.

blogod status achieved.

Just for the record

Depression sucks.

I came back from SF after having probably my best day to date in my twenty eight years of life and was met that evening by a moderate wave of depression. For those of you who have never dealt with depression... count it as a blessing! Its the most bizarre thing in the world. Here I am one minute a happy man, thrilled to be alive and just bouncing off the walls with joy. The next minute, its like this wave knocks me down, disorients me, has me coughing up salt water... and I'm left cursing it all. Thankfully, I've learned to identify when its happening so it makes it much more managable for both myself and my wife.

This particular time I know why it happened. I've been sick for almost three weeks with an allergy/sinus/cold thang that I haven't been able to kick. So, my body is run down and tired from it. Also, when I went down to the OC a week ago or so, I forgot to take my seizure meds while there. The meds and dosage I take is pretty dang strong so whenever I miss more than one or two doses, it can screw me up. Combine those two things together and BAM: Miroslav is depressed.

Feeling a million times better today though. My family is so awesome. Have I mentioned that before? Nothing breaks through a bout with depression like homemade chicken-noodle soup, my son and daughter screaming "Dadddaaaa!" when I come home from work, and snuggling with my wife by the fire while we watch TV before bed.

Best birthday E~V~E~R.

I knew Janice was planning something for me. She had told me that much. I had no idea, however, that she was going to give me my best birthday ever. Hands down. And that is no small statement; I have had some pretty kick butt parties in the past. As a matter of fact, I told Janice that not only was it my best birthday ever... but quite possibly, my best day ever. Yes, it was THAT good.

Think I'm kidding? Read more here!The day started off with me sleeping my lazy butt in until 9am. Janice got up with the kids and let me snooze for some much needed beauty sleep. I had been out until 2am the night before on a bachelor party with a friend (and then I blogged for about thirty minutes when I got home!). So I was whooped.

Anyhow, I woke up to find that Janice was looking gorgeous. She was wearing a nice pair of jeans, and a new blouse and scarf that looked great together. I knew we were in for a special day! After I got dressed, I came out to the living room to find my mother-in-law was there ready to take care of our little ones. I was surprised when my wife called for our little boy to jump in the car with us. "Huh? Are we going to take him to Disneyland or something?" I thought to myself. For months I had been talking about how I wanted to take him to Disneyland.

The three of us took off, leaving my mother-in-law and little girl behind. We hopped in the car and my wife told me to get out of the driver's seat. SHE was taking me somewhere. Nice.

So we head down the freeway to the critical junction. If she goes left, we are heading to SF. If she went straight, maybe the airport. But... she didn't do EITHER. She got off the freeway! I really was genuinely surprised. Janice has tried to surprise me in the past, but has never really been able to pull it off. This time, she had me guessing. I knew there was a casino downtown, but that didn't make sense b/c my little three year old was with us. I thought, "Maybe we are meeting some people down here and then..." ??? I had no idea. I'll just be honest.

As she parked the car and started walking toward the Restaurant, I read the sign: "The Hukilau" I opened the door to the Hawaiian eatery and saw a good sized group of some of my favorite folks. Approximately twelve friends and family of mine joined us for a wonderful Surprise Party Breakfast. It was great. Everybody was wearing pirate stuff (my son's favorite). He thought he had died and gone to heaven. Eye patches, hats, and pirate flags for everybody. Arrrrrgh Matey!

I received some nice, thoughtful cards from several people and even some cool gifts! (I thought when I hit about twenty years old I stopped getting gifts. But not this year.) One card I received made me laugh out loud the minute I saw it. Made me think of MyFaith. hehe...

After the party, I was so excited... because I just KNEW there was more. Janice had told me not to check eBay because she was bidding on something for me for my birthday. So I knew I was in for something cool. Once again, we jumped in the car, but this time it was just us two. My little boy headed off with Grandpa and Grandma. This time I was charged with the task of driving. I tried to weasel some hints out of my wife, but she wasn't givin' me nuthin'.
"Drive us to San Fran," she said.
"Ok. Where should I exit?" I asked.
"Just shutup and get us there. Wake me up when we are close and I'll tell you where to go. Don't try to get me to tell you anything 'cause it ain't gonna' happen."
Nice job babe!

On we drove until we got to the wonderful city of San Francisco. It was a classic winter day on the bay. Foggy. A bit of a chill. People EVERYWHERE. Tons and Tons of people. Umbrellas. Police men directing traffic. Steam coming up from the manhole. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I stuck my phone out of my car and snapped this photo. Ain't that just a cool scene?!

After a few short minutes of navigating the streets of SF, we came to our destination. The magnificent Clift Hotel. Click the link... go ahead... check it out. I simply cannot do the place justice. I'd use words like kewl, modern, gorgeous, etc. But you have to SEE the place to have any idea of how dang kewl, modern, and gorgeous it is. I was STUNNED. Shocked that my wife had arranged all of this behind my back. First a wonderful surprise party. Then a trip to SF. Then... this. Not just a place to sleep... no, she went WAY above and beyond. She went for the Holy-Freakin'-WOW-Factor. And she hit it. Great job babe. You are awesome.

I was settling in to the room just about to get under the covers to grab a quick nap since it had really started pouring outside. Janice pulled out a card for me. I assumed it was just a little birthday card, but upon opening it up I found a wonderful poem written by my beloved! How thoughtful and loving! With her permission... here it is:

Life without you
Life without you would be dark and gloomy like Sacramento in
December.
Life without you would be hollow and dank like a tree infested
with termites.
Life without you would be cold and we like some nights of
Survivor in Guatemala.
Life without you would be lonely and sad like an alcoholic
without his family on Christmas Day.
Life without you would be empty and void like the universe
before it was given its stars and planets.
Life without you would be colorless and blank like our son's
coloring books before the Crayons.
Life without you would be mindless and moronic like the slap
stick comedies that we love.
Life without you would hardly be worth living.
Thank you for being my best friend in this life.
Happy Birthday!

Janice suggested we go for a walk (while looking at her watch). There was more? Yes. MORE. We went downstairs and out the front door of the hotel. She handed me a printout from Yahoo!Maps. "Here honey, you are better than I am at this. Take us to this destination." ... (what a woman)... I didn't recognize the address on the map but I figured out how to get there pretty quickly (even found a shortcut! yes, a REAL shortcut for all of you who think that all men get lost and don't ask for directions.) The rain was coming down every now and again, and the wind was blowing pretty good. But neither of us cared. We were both grinning from ear to ear, both equally excited about what was ahead. I had no clue but was looking for one. I saw a big sign: "Cirque du Sole" ... "Aha! Thats where you are taking me, huh babe? Awesome." ... she flashed a devilish grin, "Nope." ... I thought I had caught her. She is normally a really horrible liar. Yeah, I knew it. We were going to the circu.... What the.... Up ahead I saw a crowd gathered by the classic Golden Gate Theatre. Yes thats with a "tre" at the end, its THAT old. And what did I see was playing?! Billy.Freakin'.Crystal. WOW. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. Thats like, amazing. Not just cool. Not just thoughtful. Getting tickets to see Billy Crytal was just ... WOW. As soon as my head stopped spinning from amazement and excitement, I slowed down long enough to read the huge sign above the entrance: Billy Crystal's 700 Sundays. I had never heard of this show and I was still excited. I figured we would see a great stand up comedy act by one of comedy's best ever. Turns out 700 Sundays is nothing like a stand up comedy act. It was a moving, dramatic, one-man cast production. Of course it was funny. But it was so much more than that. Great review here if you are interested. The show was a matinee; the second to last performance of the San Francisco tour stop. The show was perfect. It had both of us sniffling and holding back the tears and at other times laughing until it hurt. It was maaahhhvelous. Simply mahvelous. (Thats how theatre going people give compliments about a show.)

After the show we strolled back to the hotel and just hung out in the room drifting off to sleep until about 8:30pm when it was time to head downstairs to a night of feasting. Janice had set up reservations at Asia De Cuba, the famous restaurant housed within the hotel. It was AMAZING. We started our meal with some amazing Potstickers cooked two ways. Three of them were steamed and served in a bowl of a wonderful ginger soy sauce. And three of them were fried with another version of the same sauce drizzled over the top. Yum. Next came a second appetizer: grilled chicken skewered on to lemongrass chutes. It was served with some great bbq grilled pineapple (normally I HATE the stuff, but this was so fresh and perfectly ripe it was awesome). ... Along with the appetizers we grubbed on some bamboo wrapped sticky rice. Our entree came a little while later; a marinated cut of skirtsteak. Oh man, this food was to die for, I'm telling you. All the while I was just marveling at my wife. How thoughtful she was in planning all of this. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. Janice and I asked for the dessert menu after our main course. But not long after, our waiter surprised us with two glasses of dessert wine. My mom had called in and gave both of us a treat! Thanks Mom! I downed the wine... only to find our waiter return with a HUGE plate of dessert. This thing would have been too much for six people, let alone two. We did our best to eat it and made some good headway. (of course, I probably gained six pounds in doing so... ) Thanks again Momma!

As we ate our dinner, we started chatting with the couple next to us. They were in their late 50's. A cute Iranian couple. We talked about everything from business (he was a property manager), to kids (she kept telling Janice not to leave our kids with babysitters EVER), and politics (I just HAD to ask their opinion on the Iranian president, who they hate by the way). It was pretty enjoyable. Ultimately, we asked the husband to take a photo of us. We just about bust a gut when we watched him point the camera and click the button only to have the flash go off in his face! He had it backwards! Hilarious. All four of us just about died of laughter. Oh yeah... this picture is definately a KEEPER.

After dinner, we debated going out in to the city, but both of us had been fighting off sickness for the past several weeks and it sounded better to just go to bed and enjoy our time away from the kids. We slept in until 10am the next morning and came downstairs to enjoy a wonderful breakfast that Janice had purchased ahead of time with the hotel package she bought. What a woman!

Afterwards we hit the streets for about an hour or so walking through Union Square. We stopped and listened to some activists who where using a megaphone and flyers to spread the word that immigrants have rights too. I felt bad for them... it was raining and hardly anybody was sticking around to listen to them. I figured that was the least I could do. Plus, I have some pretty strong opinions regarding the importance of upholding our borders. So Janice humored me and we stopped and listened. The more they talked though, the more fired up I got. They were all for legalizing the thousands of illegal immigrants here in the US because they had rights damn it. "We pay taxes... are those illegal too?" they shouted. I soooo wanted to start talking with them about it all. I mean sure, its a great idea to legalize those who are already here. But what then? How about five years later? Legalzie the next wave? And then what does that say to the people who are trying to work through the system to get in? Janice said, "Heck no I'm not translating for you. I don't want them to think that I agree with your crazy beliefs about the border!" ... gotta love a woman like that, ya know? I assured her she could tell whoever we talked to that she disagreed with everything I had to say. But the opportunity never presented itself. Poor activists could hardly keep their signs from blowing over, let alone try to have a discussion about thing, 'cause the wind and rain was coming down so hard. "Maybe there is a God afterall" I thought to myself. hehe... kidding. We grabbed a flyer waived goodbye, and called immigration. hehe... LOL. Ok, man I must be getting tired. I'm seriously laughing at my own blogging. Thats sad.

Anyhow. What next...

Janice and I shared some great conversation that morning as we drove back home. It was another one of those heart to heart moments that are both gut wrenching and relationship building. We laughed and cried together the whole way home. I popped in a CD that I had made a while back that has some love songs on it. I told her I was dedicating a song to her. I started crying like a little baby about half way through as I held hands with my wife. What a woman. What a friend.

Right Down the Line - Gerry Rafferty
You know I need your love,
You got that hold over me
Long as I got your love, You know that I'll never leave
When I wanted you to share my life, I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you, woman,
right down the line

I know how much I lean on you,
Only you can see
Changes that I've been true, Have left there mark on me
You've been as constant as the northern star, The brightest light that shines
It's been you, woman, right down the line

I just wanna say this is my way
Of telling you everything, I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of telling you that everyday, I'm loving you so much more

Cause you believed in me through my darkest night
Put something better inside of me,
You brought me into the light
Threw away all those crazy dreams, I put them all behind
And it was you, woman, right down the line

I just wanna say this is my way
Of telling you everything, I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of telling you that everyday, I'm loving you so much more

If I should doubt myself, If I'm losing ground
I wont turn to someone else, They'd only let me down
When I wanted you to share my life, I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you, woman, right down the line

Thanks for everything babe. You gave me the best birthday present I've ever received. And you loved me in a new and wonderful way that I've never been loved before. You are an amazing person and I'm happy to share this thing called life with you!

28

I so made it to 28. Awesome.

Truth With Luv

For as much as Christians claim that they want things to be "in the light"... I've sure received no small amount of flack for writing Chapter 7.

Sounds interesting... Read more!Today I had a short conversation with a long time friend about some of the happenings with my father and the whole church fiasco. He was encouraging me to be careful about painting people out to be devilish. I agreed with him that I need to be careful, but that I was just stating the facts. I didn't think that I was painting anybody to be some sort of horrible person. I certainly do NOT think that of anybody that was involved in any of it. As a matter of fact, I believe that they acted out love... they were trying to do the right thing. To this day there are times that I am overcome with sadness for the people that are still "under the fog." A couple of people I actually really miss having as friends. I've written my blog in such a way that assumes that the reader knows that I am acting, thinking, and interpretting everything in love. I assume that the folks still at NH are acting out of love also. I really do. I just think that they are wrong and confused. (Which, by the way, the probably think of me! :D) You know... it is very possible to make the wrong decision with the right intentions. And thats what I think they have done / are doing.

A relative of mine challenged me over lunch about my decision to blog all of the details of the whole ordeal... he wasn't sure it was edifying to the Church or that my blog would "make God smile." Besides the fact that I'm not too concerned with either of those at the moment given the status of my faith, I feel that even if my faith was strong, I have pretty good grounds on which to air my grievences. Is there a biblical command that abusive leadership must be preserved? In a cult like church culture, the teachings in the Bible regarding the protection of the leadership is often times lorded over the congregants to keep short comings from ever being brought out to see the light of day. Unfortunately, this enables the broken leadership to label an individual (or very small group) as the problem, dismiss them... and move on. The congregants are acting out of love, but by keeping their mouths shut to the chaos that exists, they allow it to fester and continue.

Let me clarify here and now OFFICIALLY, that I do truly love the men and women still at NH. Yes... even Mr. HeadPastor, those that continue to judge me and my family, and those that abuse their positions of authority. These people were pillars in my life... and I care for them deeply dispite the pain they produce. I don't think I have it in me to turn my heart cold to them as people.

With that said, what I have written here in my blog in Chapter 7 is true. It is, to the best of my memory, what I witnessed as we walked through a very trying and difficult season of life. Many people we love acted like real jerks during that season. Thats just the truth. It doesn't mean that they are completely idiots, or losers, or destined to hell because of it. It doesn't mean I hate them or carry bitterness towards them. It just means that they acted like jerks. Nothing more, nothing less.

Way cool.

Ok... I have to stop soon so I don't become one of those wanna-be-cool-blogs that consists only of links to other people's really-genuinely-cool blogs.

This one is cool enough to be added to my "Things that make me smile..." list. (Which by the way has changed a little recently. Ever since I've picked up blogging, my video game passion has died. No funeral services will be held.)

* PostSecret *

Impressive.

Poor little thing

My precious daughter is sick. Fever of 104. So sad.

Looking at the bright side of things... she is a CUDDLE MACHINE when she is sick. It is so stinking cute. I feel a tad guilty but I kind of like it when she is sick because she cuddles about a million times more than when she if feeling 100%. Hmmm, another plus is that I have an excuse to stay up 'til 2:31am blogging.

Ugh. Tired now. Stay in bed and cuddle yourself to bed child. Daddy's gotta work in the mornin'!

Chapter 7f - Miroslav Walks

** Read Chapter 7a, Chapter 7b, Chapter 7c, Chapter 7d, and Chapter 7e first!**

As all of this church drama unfolded, my wife and I were co-leading a nearly two year long marriage class with another married couple, Jim and Jane. We had really developed a deep love for them and each of the other couples involved, and so we decided that we wouldn't leave NH until we were done. (You can read a little bit about the marriage class in one of my earlier posts.)

So how did it go when we left? Read more!It was sometime in September that my dad "confessed" in front of the congregation and was removed from his position in the church. As I shared in my last entry, I was very confused as to what was going on at that time and began investigating. But at the same time, we had this weekly marriage class going on at our house that we continued to be an intrigal part of. Though we were supposed to be leading the class with Jim and Jane, it had effectively turned in to us leading the class with the help of Jim. This was because Jane, his wife, had become pregnant and her body was not handling the pregnancy well. It was very tough for her and there were many times she could not leave the house for days on end. Jim did his best to be involved in the class, but Jane was just physically unable to join us 90% of the time.
So each night, Jim would come over to the house and pray with my wife and I for about fifteen to thirty minutes before the class started. It was during this time that we'd compare notes and develop our "plan of attack" for the night. I remember that just before the first meeting after my dad's "confession," Jim asked me where I stood with what had happened. He had seen my public frustration in earlier leader's meetings. I told him that things were complicated... but that my dad had admitted to a serious sin and that therefore the church was acting biblically in their public rebuke of him and in choosing to remove him. Jim challenged me to deny my my father and to pursue Truth. He related to me that he too had to deny much of his heritage in pursuing Christ... and though it was difficult, we are commanded to have no allegiance other than to Christ. We prayed, and talked about how we would field any questions from the students on the subject. I told him I'd support the leadership despite my misgivings about the situation. That night, the other couples asked me what I thought of everything. They were very much in shell shock (as we ALL were) at what had transpired. I assured them that the Bible commands for public rebuke when a leader falls in to sin and that my father was no exception. And that was that.
I don't remember the topic ever coming up again until my father left. At that point, Jim asked me what my plans were and I told him that we were planning on staying at the church at least through the marriage class, and after that... I wasn't sure. And that was the truth, because I STILL wasn't sure what the heck was going on. This was during the time that I was losing a lot of sleep wondering if my father was truly the man he had been painted to be. I wasn't sure of much... but I did know that I was commited to completing the marriage class.
At a certain point (it must have been soon after the last leader's meeting that I talked about in Chapter 7e), I realized that my wife and I were going to leave the church immediately after the completion of the marriage class. I remember telling Jim about our decision. We were on the way out to a men's event out at this way-out-of-the-way house that had a private man made lake and a cool little out building for parties & meetings. Jim and I were riding together to this thing and were talking about lots of stuff. He asked me if I had told anybody in our class about our plans to leave, and I told him,"No." I told him that it was our plan to finish out the marriage class, meet with the pastor, and then head out at which point they would figure things out. Jim told me that I should tell the other men in the class what my plans were so that they wouldn't be surprised by it all. I told him that I had refrained from talking about it because I didn't want to complicate things. He suggested I inform them I was leaving but to leave it fairly vague... not to get in to all the reasons. Fair enough, I figured. So, that night I told three of the guys what my plans were. They all said that they figured that was the case... and that was pretty much it. I actually remember the exact moment I told two of 'em. They were in tuning their guitars getting ready for worship. They just kind of nodded in understanding, said they understood, and went on back to singing worship songs. It was so not a big deal to anybody.

A short while later, my wife and I had an opportunity to meet with the head pastor. We had decided that since Jim knew, and now our students in the marriage class knew, we ought to have the conversation with the senior pastor. When we decided to set up a meeting, we had to wait a little while because he was away at a pastor's retreat/seminar at Rick Warren's Saddleback Church in SoCal. In anticipation of our meeting, I typed a two page letter outlining the problems that we saw with the church. My wife and I scheduled a meeting with our long time pastor and his wife and got together with them just after they returned from their trip.
I remember being very nervous going in to the meeting. This was a scary thing that was happening. I was seeing things in the leadership that troubled me deeply but leaving the church of my youth... that was HUGE. I was sure of my decision... but, at the same time, I wasn't. There was something that was still very troubling about it all. Even though I had publically accused them of being a "weak leadership" and had begun to see more clearly the twisted thinking that was in my long time church, there was still a part of me that was, um... scared and unsure of myself. A part of me was second-guessing my decision. But all that was about to change.
As soon as we sat down to talk, the pastor had a big smile on his face. He seemed genuinely happy and peaceful. I remember that I was pretty surprised. Surely he was just as burdoned as the rest of us were during those months... and he must have known that the meeting we called was to announce that we were leaving, but he seemed to be strangely removed. I assumed it was because he had just returned from a little quasi-vacation.
He and his wife prayed to get the meeting started. To be honest, I don't remember saying much in our time together. They kind of led the thing. I never even had an opportunity to read my letter or address any of the items on it. Instead, the pastor started out by asking us if we were leaving the church. We said yes and that I had several reasons why, many of them that had nothing at all to do with my father's situation. He didn't ask what the reasons were. Instead, he shared that he had just returned from this pastor's seminar at Saddleback and had a revalation of sorts. He wasn't claiming to have had some sort of supernatural miracle or that God talked to him in a dream or anything. He was just saying that he had come to a realization of some mistakes that had been made. He had talked things through with some other pastors there, shared the most recent events with them, and received counsel. And now he knew what the problem was.
Remember how I said that going in to the meeting I was 99% sure of myself... but that there was a part of me that second-guessed the decision? Well, that 1% went away as my pastor for 24 years told me that he was convinced the reason for all that had happened with my father and all the inner turmoil in leadership was because he had failed to "put his foot down earlier." The pastor said he needed more authority and less discussion. He said that he was sure he had made "too many concessions in an effort to have a colegial eldership." My wife and I were shocked! I remember holding hands with her through the meeting. I felt her grip tighten as the pastor outlined this new revoltion revalation. He went on to say that he had come to realize that as the senior pastor, he needed to take charge, lead the way, and and that he had failed to do so. He said that he needed men around him that supported his decisions, not fought with them. "If you aren't with me, then... there are plenty of other churches in town with empty pews."
The meeting continued and didn't get any prettier. Nobody raised their voices or anything like that; it was just an ugly meeting on so many levels. My wife and I were told that we were shrinking away from a test from God; the church drama was a spritual stepping stone that had been placed in front of us. If we backed away from this test (by leaving the church), we were told that we would never experience any meaningful spiritual growth. We wouldn't experience true friendship. We would wander the desert like Israel did after not going to battle when God called them. True fellowship would illude us. The discussion turned to other churches and we were told specifically that "its a desert out there... it really is."
And then, the curse that crossed the line.
We were told DIRECTLY, twice, that if we left, the pastor was very very concerned that we would end up like my wife's parents, who had just filed divorce papers the day before after a very painful marriage of over twenty years. I interrupted the pastor as he was about to reitterate his "fears" for the third time.
"Stop!" I said. "I'm telling you right now that if you say that again, we will get up and leave. Do not say that again. Do you understand?"
He was surprised at my assertiveness and said he didn't know what I was referring to. I reminded him that he was about to, for the third time, suggest that my wife and I were destined to the same difficult life and painful divorce as her parents were going through that very week. He said he hadn't said such a thing. His wife reminded him that he had and told him that he needed to back off.
Even now as I write this it gets my blood boiling. Here is a man who has known me and my wife our entire lives. He knew the painful details of my in-law's divorce. He knew my wife and I and our fears. I too come from a divorced family and he knew that. And here he was pulling what appeared to be some sort of power play / manipulation trick. It wasn't going to work with me and I wouldn't let him mess with my wife. But it pissed me off, thats for sure.
Thankfully, it also made it easy, and obvious, that it was time for us to go.
I don't remember what else was said in the meeting. I think I kind of put a damper on things but calling out the pastor for what he had said.
Looking back, I can't imagine that the pastor was purposefully being manipulative or hurtful. I just can't imagine that. I prefer to think that he was just doing his best to love us, maybe the only way he knows how. I believe he thinks he was doing the right thing in trying to "warn" us. Makes me sad to think of how screwed up it is to hear stuff like that coming from a senior pastor.

We didn't have a marriage class meeting the week after we met with the pastor. We had taken it off because there was only one more class left, the final evaluations. Plus, there was an all-church retreat that the students were encouraged to go to that weekend.
The following Tuesday at about 5:30pm, I got a call from one of the students trying to confirm the time and place of our meeting.
"Same time, same place," I told him. (Our house, 7:00pm)
"hmm... there is some conflicting information going around then. I was told by Jim it was at his house," said the student.
"Oh... well, you know, maybe Jim got confused or something. I'll give him a ring. Its at our house as usual..."
I didn't think much of it. Sometimes miscommunication happens, ya know? I hung up and dialed Jim who informed me that no, the meeting was at HIS house tonight and I was not invited.
"HUH?! What are you talking about man?"... I asked.
Jim told me that over the weekend at the all-church retreat the senior pastor had informed him that I was no longer to be allowed to teach the class because I was leaving the church.
I was shocked. "Are you serious?" I asked Jim.
"Yes," he said. "But can you bring over the gifts for the students so we can give them out tonight?"
I was just kind of numb. I told my wife what was going on and she was livid. I did my best to calm her down and told her that this was exactly the type of thing we needed (in addition to the crazy meeting with the pastor and his wife) to help make our decision to leave one that we never second guess. I grabbed the students' gifts and headed over to Jim's house to just be done with it. He came outside and thanked me. I asked Jim what he said when the pastor told him that I shouldn't be at the class anymore. Jim said that it was hard to say it, but that he agreed with the pastor.
"WHAT?! Are you serious? Why?!" I asked.
He went on to say that there were several things about me that really bothered him about the last several months: 1) I had changed my style of leadership, 2) I had told the students that I was leaving the church, and 3) I had been meeting with one of the students in a prayer group.
"???!?!?!??!?!! ... Um, what are you talking about? Why is this the first I've heard of any leadership style issues I have? And don't you remember that you are the one that recommended I tell the students that I was leaving?! Why is having a prayer group with a student in the class a bad thing? And if it was not appropriate for some reason why didn't you say something six months ago when I told you?! ... and why didn't you or the pastor call me to discuss this decision?"

All I got in response from Jim was "blah blah blah." No examples. Just vague accusations of being "different" lately. Jim confessed that the pastor had told him that it was inappropriate for me to tell the students I was leaving. I asked Jim if he told the pastor it was HIS idea. Jim said it wasn't important. Jim told me that the pastor also thought it was inappropriate that I had been praying with one of the members of our group. I asked Jim if he told the pastor that he had been fully aware of our prayer meeting and encouraged it. He said that wasn't important either.

I hopped in the car and headed home. I couldn't believe it. Jim had seen my wife and I pour everything we had, our entire hearts and souls, in to this marriage group. I had towed the line and picked up the slack when he couldn't carry his part of the load because of his ailing wife. And I had been suportive of the leadership at all of our meetings. And now this. Just absolute garbage. Thankfully, he and I were not particularly good friends or the pain would have been worse. We had seen battle together, and in that regard had been brought close but it wasn't like my best friend turned on me. Still, it was a taste of betrayal. And I didn't like it.

I returned home and told my wife everything. I decided to call the senior pastor who I discovered was irate with me and was not willing discuss ANYTHING with me. "I've made up my mind and the decision is final. We have nothing left to discuss. Goodbye." He said as he hung up on me.
SHOCK. Seriously. SHOCK. My wife, oh she was not happy at all.

Soon our phones began to ring. The students were calling us and they were very very upset at the news. They wanted to stage a protest. They told me they had all decided to boycott the meeting and come to my house instead. I told them not to. "Just go to the meeting and get it over with. Its the last class, ya know? We love you guys lots..."
After the meeting things did not improve. Six of the eight students (the other two had to get back to babysitters) came to our house in turmoil. They were crying and angry and curious about what the heck was going on. They informed us that the pastor had sent his son and daughter-in-law to "fill in" for us. They hadn't had any dealings with our class whatsoever. They hadn't seen us lead it. They didn't know anything about any of the marriages. They hadn't walked through all the issues... and yet they were brought in to help conduct the final evaluations meeting and to explain why my wife and I were not allowed to lead (they basically were the senior pastor's messengers). The students were shocked to hear the son and daughter-in-law of the pastor detail all the reasons that we were unfit to be leaders anymore. One of the students called it a "two hour long Miroslav and wife bashing session." Rumors and accusations against us were flying. One of the students asked if it was true that I "cursed out the pastor." ... ??? ... uh, no.
The evaluations hadn't been completed that night at the marriage class meeting, they spent the whole time trying to convince the bewildered class that removing us from the class was the right thing to do. My wife and I comforted the students, told them that we agreed it was completely wacky, but that we thought they should just go to class the next week to finish things up and be done with it all. They did.

Over the next several weeks, I had a couple of phone conversations with the pastor's son, who had been a long time friend. I told him that he had blindly followed "marching orders" from his father, the pastor. I told him he had no business getting involved in that situation. And if he felt like he did have a role to play, he should have called me ahead of time to make sure he was getting the straight scoop. Couldn't the meeting been put off a bit to make sure things were being handled properly? I told him it almost seemed like he had been used as a pawn in his father's fight against my dad. I didn't know that to be true for sure but it sure felt like that was what was going on. My dad has an argument with the senior pastor and leaves the church... then I announce I'm going to be leaving... and the pastor sends his son to usher me out. Just kind of weird, ya know? Why not be a man about it and go clean up your own mess rather than send your son to do it? Bah. Finally, I told the pastor's son that I lost my respect for him. He was sorry to hear that. Yeah, well... what can I say.
My wife also had a conversation with the daughter-in-law not too long after we left. My wife is so awesome. She took the Truth to this girl and rocked her world. She had no answer for any of the challenges my wife brought and instead deferred to the "I was following my husband" excuse. PUKE. Some of the questions my wife brought demanded an answer and that excuse didn't cut the mustard. The daughter-in-law said she'd look in to it and get back to my wife. She never did.

And thats the one-post version of how things went down as my wife and I left the church that was NewHope. Glad to be out of that mess, thats for dang sure!

Rare political post

I'm considering rolling out to Washington D.C. in March to take part in a demonstration that advocates the U.S. taking a more hands-on confrontative stance with Iran. You may or may not be aware of the fact that this Iran's president has recently called for the utter destruction of Israel AND (just in case Israel's destruction doesn't bother you too much) the United States. And no... he didn't allude to these things, or suggest it in some hidden way. He shouted it from the rooftops and took part in a freakin' terrorist type march holding signs that stated his position very clearly while masked men with automatic weapons shot in to the air all around him. This guy is a nutcase. CNN article here tells of his recent blabbering about the Holocaust being only a myth. I swear this guy will be a modern day Arab Hitler if he is allowed to be.

Anyhow, just saw that now Bush is more fully admitting and taking blame for the faulty intelligence that caused the U.S. to attack Iraq. I'm wondering how that will those mistakes affect the new, very real threat of Iran. If the U.S. steps up to the plate and tries to intervene, will our country rise up against the idea of going to war again while pointing back to the mistakes made in the Iraqi war? If so, we could be in some big big trouble.

Iran continues to move forward on their nuke program, and recently completed a huge arms deal with the Soviets. Sheesh, its crazy thinking of where our world could be when my children hit the arms-bearing-age.

Two great quotes

"Most of the things we decide are not what we know to be the best. We say yes, merely beause we are driven into a corner and must say something." - Frank Crane, Essays (stole this one from some crazy chick's blog) So stinking true. But you know what? Screw that. I'm going to do my best to stop saying something just because I'm driven in to a corner. And if I MUST say something, I'm going to be comfortable with the answer, "I don't know." At least until I do know, or have a reasonable confidence in my position and answer.

"Weird life glasses I have on right now. They give me headaches." - Miroslav, in email to Mama to 3 Soaring Arrows. For the first time ever I think I actually said that it appears to me that what the Bible clearly teaches on a subject (Luke 6:27-36, Romans 12:20-21) seems ridiculously disingenuous, cruel, and hypocritical. Scary words from my mouth to be sure, but thats what I be thinkin'. Straight up. And yes, the new glasses are giving me headaches and making me dizzy from time to time.

No disrespect intended to Mr.D

Doh! I just realized that I left my ol' bloggin buddy without a response from a comment he made a while ago. Sorry Mr. D! Here is what I think about things...

Back talkin' to Mr.D! Read it here!
You wrote a lot of great stuff, but you lost me on the first sentence of your question, "What if God started the works of the world going in one direction, but man and Satan started it going in another?" ... See, thats just it. God created man and the Earth (and presumably Satan). And God cast Satan here, no? And God created man with only so much ability to resist temptation. In my mind (my new mind anyhow), I don't see how those facts add up. Either God has definitions of goodness and fairness that are different than my own, ... no, I'll go further... they are nearly opposite my own. OR God has created a box that he cannot get out of in the name of Love. This second suggestion has far too many problems with it for me. First and foremost is that the Bible shows very clearly that He DOES escape the box on occasion, ... at will even. He intervenes when He wants and how He wants.

All my intellectual problems with Christianity start right at the beginning. Original Sin type issues.

I did find what you wrote about JFK, Huxley, and C.S. Lewis all dying on the same day pretty interesting. Never knew about that.

a blogod

Yup... I'm becoming one. First photos and entries from my cell phone, then Expandable Post Summaries, now Music. Soon, I'm quitting my day job. (BTW, much thanks to this here place for helping me out on the Expandable Post Summaries...)

Oh, and on the topic of quitting my day job; I've come to realize pretty clearly that I find an enormous amount of satisfaction from critical thinking, writing, and counseling/encouraging others. (I have no clue as to if I used the semicolon correctly there or not, never did figure that thing out quite right.) Today I mailed off to the colleges I once attended for a copy of my transcripts. I'm gonna see what it would take for me to become a professional therapist. From what I remember, it takes a heck of a lot here in Cali. I think its much easier to become a licensed Christian counselor... but I'm kind of short on one of the prerequisites for that too at the moment. DOH!

Have I mentioned how awesome my wife is? ... just in case its been a while...

MY WIFE IS WAY AWESOME.

Strange days' phaze daze

Yeah, these are some strange days that I'm living. So odd to be experiencing life for the first time apart from the world views I am so used to having. Everything seems so brand new to me now. Its not that life has changed... just my perspective. And I don't really have a solid new world view... so it feels like I'm just in a daze watching things. Watching myself even... I feel like I'm in some sort of temporary transitional phaze daze. Maybe a daze isn't the right word. Its more like a intermittent out of body experience. (maybe daze was a better word) I hear myself saying things that, as my Native American friend said to me recently, "just don't sound like [me]." I'm not saying bad or evil things (At least I don't think they are bad or evil)... just things that have never been heard from my mouth. EVER. Things that were once so black and white, just aren't anymore.

Read more about my daze...Its not the run of the mill work-grocerystore-diaper-changing situations that are strange at all, because nothing significant in my life has changed in that regard. But there have been several more serious situations where I found myself,... um... a bit without direction.

Last week a client of mine who I've known only casually over the past six months opened up to me that his marriage is on the rocks. We talked a bit and he explained that he works too much... and his wife won't forgive him for a previous infidelity of his in the marriage. I used to have all the answers for this type of guy. Or at least I thought I did. Well... I didn't think I had ALL the answers, but definitely the most important ones. The night he opened up to me, I was just kind of caught of guard. In the short time we spent together, I encouraged on the things that I hold to be True. I encouraged him to be a good father, to consider his kids and the effect that a divorce would have on them. I challenged him to weigh the importance of his work versus his family. And I offered him hope that if he and his wife wanted to make it work, there was a way to do that. He told me that he was thinking of going to some sort of marriage class at a local church. I told him I thought that was a good idea. I think he left encouraged, but I was kind of scratching my head. What can I say to this man that is honest and earnest besides expressing that I hope good things for him? In the past, all of my answers were in Christ.

Also recently, I heard that a friend of a friend of mine was changing the terms of their marriage to be an "open marriage." To be totally honest, I thought it was such a left-wing-hippy-Californian thing to do. In the past, I would have put the situation in the sin box in my head, and just, um... lovingly judged them from a distance. Maybe if we talked I would try to talk to them about Jesus and point them toward Him trying to show them that He loves them by my general nice and kind attitude toward their blatant disregard for what Everybody knows is right. But now, I don't know. For the first time ever I don't have a snug little box to categorize them in. And I was quite uneasy about my lack of position on their decision. Just on this trip I learned that in fact, the couple is not going to try an open marriage (but don't start celebrating quite yet)... instead they are divorcing. The wife, as it turns out, has decided to embrace her homosexuality. They have several children who will suffer the consequences of this divorce, which we all agree sucks. But what beyond that painfully obvious result?? Apart from the bible's teaching on the issue (which I don't put much stock in at the moment), what do I have to say to this woman who says she likes other women? Should I tell her that she just needs to stay married for the sake of the kids and have sex with her husband even though she doesn't desire him? Wouldn't that, more likely than not, just lead to lies and betrayal behind closed doors particularly if they don't believe in Jesus or the teachings of the Bible? And this woman is not ignorant to the Bible. She is the daughter of a man who has been in very real, heart felt ministry at his local church. For several years this woman followed Christ with everything she had.

On this trip down to LA this weekend, I met a guy my same age at a bowling alley. He and I got to talking and it turns out that he is a struggling young Christian turned from his partying ways. He just completed a year long recovery program that has helped him turn from drugs and alcohol. Two months back in to normal society, he is in the process of redefining his life as he attempts to live a clean and sober life dedicated to Christ. As he talked I felt this enormous sense of obligation to guide him down "the path"... but I didn't want to be a hypocrite. Soooo... I decided to be honest with. (gasp!) I told him that my life story to this point was nearly the exact opposite of him: pretty squeaky clean my whole life, but that now my faith was actually in a very demolished condition. I don't know if he didn't hear me or what because five minutes later he began asking me for advice about following Christ. I figured it wouldn't hurt to help the guy along in his pursuit of Truth so we ended up talking for about an hour or so and I shared with him what I knew about Christ's teachings on the subjects he inquired about. I think he was very encouraged. At least, he said that about ten thousand times... so... yeah, I guess he was. It was so weird. Here I was ministering to this guy like a pastor (like I have to many other people in days gone by), and yet I am not sure I believe any of it myself. I was sure to use words that preserved my integrity. I said stuff like, "If you believe Jesus is the Son of God and died for your sins... then you have to look at the verses that say X,Y, Z." ... And I did tell him right out of the chute where I stood... so I don't feel like I was dishonest with the guy. And he was genuinely encouraged, so thats good. He seems like a really great guy. I hope the best for him. But it was just ... weird. Like an out of body experience. I was sort of watching the whole dialogue from afar. I got back to the house after dropping him at off at home and told my wife I was doing my Just-In-Case-Work. (sick humor... so sue me.)

Sunday morning we went to church with a friend of my moms. She had been raised Catholic her whole life and because of that experience was horrified of the idea of a church service. For some reason though, she joined us. It was so bizarre for me to imagine that this middleclass woman, growing up in America, ... had never been to a protestant church before. She had never heard the Gospel (according to Evangelical America that is). It was so weird to be seeing all of this happen and not have that feeling inside of me that I would expect to have... a feeling of excitement that she might come to be a believer in Christ. Typically, I'd be psyched! But... for now, I just watch. Almost like I'm watching a movie unfold right before my eyes.

And then, towards the end of the Sunday service, the pastor says, "Can't stop drinking? Jesus can!" He was putting the exclamation mark to his point that Jesus lives inside of believers and gives us access to "unimaginable power" if we'd only have faith. At that moment, I thought of all the addicts in the church at large. I thought of men I know who have enormous faith in Christ, but can't control their sexual appetite. I thought of all the hurt within the Church... the people who try with all their might, but who never seem to overcome their challenges. Also, I thought of all the noble, kind, faithful men and women I've known who died tragic deaths, all the while clinging to the hope (faith in some cases) that they would be healed miraculously. And I know all the Christian answers to all of these complaints/accusations/frustrations. I know them well. But that morning at church, I did not feel like myself at all. I felt unlike anything I've ever felt in my whole life. I felt removed. Apart. Separated from. It didn't hurt. It was sad, but not painful.

Sad, weird, confusing. Strange days' phaze daze if I ever heard of one, thats for sure. But, ya know, I'm in no crazy hurry to pick up some sort of new world view just to have one. I feel pretty liberated at the moment, for better or for worse. And I certainly haven't found any better solution to life's many dilemmas than the one presented in the offer of Christ.

If only I could believe it to be True again! ...

'member when?

(click above picture with sound on while reading this entry for full effect)

I took my little girl for a walk while we were in the OC over the weekend. My wonderful wife was tuckered out and took a nap with my son. I had to take the Little Miss Noisy out so they could sleep.

Read more...The sun was shining and the air was crisp and cool. As we walked hand in hand, my daughter took great joy stomping on every leaf she could find. Her eyes widened at the sight of a pretty flower. She started laughing as she played with a seashell. This care free exploration carried on for at least thirty minutes or so... It reminded me of the wonderful simplicity of childhood. In my mind I was taken back to my own boyhood memories.
I remember days that were defined by naps and candy... weeks that were shaped by allowance and BMX bike rides in the neighborhood. Chuck E. Cheese was really something back then, a paradise... well, maybe not paradise, but AT LEAST a million times better than anything else I had to do. McGuyver was so cool. And I even looked forward to watching Murder She Wrote with my grandparents while eating popcorn with fake butter-salt (not butter AND salt, it was mixed all in one... how cool!). Arcades. Remember how cool arcades were? Hacksaw Jim Duggin... ooh.. and The Rainbow Connection, now THAT was a deep song. Man, Life Was Good.
Back then there was a wonderful mystery about everything. Every joke I heard pure genius, every game I played was exciting and new... every single thing I experienced was completely and totally unique.

Anyhow, as my daughter and I strolled down the street together, I gathered everything that sparked a memory for me.

Pinecone thingamajigs...I have memories of gathering these pinecone things, picking out the red seeds, and hucking the empty pinecone-grenades at imaginary enemies. So much fun. No purpose to it. No guilt afterwards. Just pure fun.
The leaves... remind me of living on "28th St between H&I." That has such a nice ring to my ears when I hear somebody say that. Its where my dad and mom lived before they divorced... and where I lived with my dad and brother afterwards. That is the house that I think of as Home. So many leaves would drop to the ground during Fall. I think I will love the crunch-crunch sound of dry leaves forever.
Sticks... and yellow flowers... so common to where I grew up. Sticks had a role in just about any boyhood adventure of mine. So handy those things. Need a gun? Grab a stick. Need to bunny-hop sumpthin on the trusty BMX? Grab a stick. Need to build a fort? Grab a stick. And the flowers? Well, they expose my softer, feminine side (that one was just for you Steve). I remember playing with the girls in the soccer fields after school and them teaching me how to make bracelets and necklaces by pinching a hole in the stems and connecting each flower to the next.
Seashells... takes me back to all the memories I have with my mom. Trips to the beach. Living in Pacific Palisades. Big-wig-hot-shot parties that she catered. Hanging out with all of her friends in Santa Monica. The whole lot of 'em were pot-headed, drunk, volleyball playin' pagans. And it was a wonderful experience. They all loved me to death. Such an odd, but wonderful, childhood... from the downtown streets of 28th St... to hanging out on the Santa Monica Pier with celebrities.

All these things were so pure. But thats not to say that everything was good in my childhood. I scraped a knee here and there, had my heel chopped off in the spokes of a bike, was humiliated and forever scarred by a 3-D dinasour project gone bad at school, and my parents DID get a divorce. But ... even with all that said... I look back on it with fondness and thankfulness.

Mom and Dad, thanks for all that you did to love, protect, and encourage me as a kid. I love you both more than words can say.

Lost four years of my life

A friend of mine suggested that I make sure to stop by Tommy's Hamburgers while in Orange County visiting my mom.

Read about our experience...
The wife and I stroll in with the kids, order a burger for each of us, chili-cheese fries sounded good too, and a couple of chocolate shakes. Just after I pay the guy, I see somebody else's order come up. Looked like a cat had puked on the burger. I'm not exaggerating. My stomach clinched when I saw it. I yelled to the guy behind the counter, "Can you make one of those LIGHT on the chili please?" (I was thinking that the wife wouldn't be able to stomach it.) Out come our burgers saturated with this cat-puke-lookin-chili. I shove the one that is "light" to my wife telling her I wasn't sure if she'd like it or not. My thoughtfulness was appreciated... she looked at me with her TwooWuv look. :D

Anyhow, we dig in to the burger... both of us just waiting to throw the stuff away and head out the door to find an In 'n' Out Burger... but lo' and behold... it tasted good! A couple of bites later and my wife asked if she could trade burgers and take the one with more chili on it!

Miroslav's Review:
Food Taste: 9 (yummm....)
Ambiance: 3 (think one notch below Weinershnitzel)
Service: 5 (at least he spoke English)
Gut Check: 1 (A friend told us Tommy's was a place she used to frequent when she was a heavy drinker. The burgers are good for cleanin' ya' out, which is great for getting over a hangover. Lets just say she knew what she was doing back then. The upside is that I don't need to do that colon cleanser thing I had been researching...)
Health Factor: -4 (I picked the number four because thats the number of years I estimate were taking off of our lives from the grease that oozed its way to the top of the burger and chili and has since been taken in to my arteries.)

Here is what was left on our plates when we were done. Like how that chili looks? Yum.

Keepin' it real.

Sticking to the subject of personal hygene...

I think the last five times I've showered or bathed, I get out and towel off only to realize I didn't wash my stinky armpits. Back in I go. So frustrating, ya know? I think that I'm thinking too hard while in the shower or something. Need to concentrate more at the task at hand.

Finally cleaned my teeth this morning though. Sonicare is THE BOMB after four days of yellowmouth.

Tooth Sweater

Is it just me that has significat teeth brushing fallout when traveling to visit family? I swear I have 100% Raw Unprocessed American Cotton sweaters covering each of my little teethies right now. I've only brushed once this whole four night trip, and that was with my finger. Yuck, I know. But what am I suppose to do? Dig through the entire toiletry bag to find my toothbrush? Too much work I say.

Quick Thoughts on Bertrand Russell

I just finished a fairly good sized collection of essays by Bertrand Russell, "generally recognized as one of the founders of analytic philosophy and most important logicians of the twentieth century."

Care to know my impressions?I found the read to be enjoyable in that it was intellectually stimulating. In fact, I will even go as far as to say it was quite a pleasure to read Russell. Many times I found myself cracking a grin at the raw angst he has towards religion as a whole. I found that much (though not nearly all) of Russell's frustration (and intellectual ammunition) came from the Church's condemnation of birth control and the pain that has been inflicted on women and children as a result. I wonder what Russell would make of today's issues of abortion and homosexuality? Many of his arguments carry over fairly well without much adjustment needed.

With that said and at the risk of sounding disrespectful to a man who did have a great mind, I have to say that I have somehow come to categorize at least some of what I read by Bertrand Russell in the same category as a Jerry Seinfeld act: insightful, almost convincingly... but ultimately nothing more than an amusement. There were times that he put so much stock in human intellect and science that I just couldn't take the argument seriously. But of course that is coming from me, a man living in the post-modern world.

Here are some of the quotes that I found to be of most interest:

"Christianity, I will admit, does less harm than it used to do; but that is because it is less fervently believed. Perhaps, in time, the same change will come over Communism; and if it does, that creed will lose much of what now makes it obnoxious."

"Most moralists have been so obsessed by sex that they have laid much too little emphasis on other more socially useful kinds of ethically commendable conduct."

"I do not believe that a decay of dogmatic belief can do anything but good. What the world needs is not dogma but an attitude of scientific inquiry combined with a belief that the torture of millions is not desirable, whether inflicted by Stalin or by a Deity imagined in the likeness of the believer."

"Dr. Barnes tells us that man 'knows right and wrong.' But, in fact, as anthropology shows, men's views of right and wrong have varied to such an extent that no single item has been permanent. We cannot say, therefore, that man knows right and wrong, but only that some men do. Which men? Nietzsche argued in favor of an ethic profoundly different from Christ's, and some powerful governments have accepted his teaching. If knowledge of right and wrong is to be an argument for immortality, we must first settle whether to believe Christ or Nietzsche, and then argue that Christians are immortal, but Hitler and Mussolini are not, or vice versa. The decision will obviously be made on the battlefield, not in the study. Those who have the best poison gas will have the ethic of the future and will therefore be the immortal ones." .... maybe I'm just sick, but that made me actually laugh out loud when I read it.

"I for a long time accepted the argument of the First Cause, until one day, at the age of eighteen, I read John Stuart Mill's Autobiography, and I there found this sentance: "My father taught me that the question, 'Who made me?' cannot be answered, since it immediately suggest the further question 'Who made God?'" That very simple sentance showed me, as I still think, the fallace in the argument of the First Cause. If everything must have a cause, then God must have a cause. If there can be anything without a cause, it may just as well be the world as God, so that there cannot be any validity in that argument. It is exactly of the same nature as the Hindu's view, that the world rested upon an elephant and the elephant rested upon a turtoise; and when they said, 'How about the turtoise?' the Indian said, 'Suppose we change the subject.' The argument is really no better than that." ... only a smirk out of me here

"If a theology is thought necessary to virtue and if candid inquirers see no reason to think the theology true, the authorities will set to work to discourage candid inquiry. In former centuries they did so by burning the inquirers at the stake. ... in Western countries the authorities have perfected somewhat milder forms of persuasion. Of these, schools are perhaps the most important: the young must be preserved from hearing the arguments in favor of the opinions which the authorities dislike, and those who nevertheless persist in showing an inquiring disposition will incur social displeasure and, if possible, be made to feel morally reprehensible. In this way, any system of morals which has a theologicalbasis becomes one of the tools by which the holders of power preserve their authority and impair the intellectual vigor of the young." ... boy, I have to say I see some truth in this stuff...