A love affair

A poem for you to read if you like...There are these horrible moments that I endure...
When I watch you enjoy your love affair.
You wave it around so publicly,
like a banner for all to see.

You are defined, almost entirely,
by this love that's captured
your heart,
your body,
your very soul.

The smile on your face, so deep and true.
Your voice is oddly, calmly, boldly confident.
"Ain't no mountain too high, ain't no valley too low"
And all that goes along with it.

Circumstance? Ha!
How could mere circumstance stand up to this?
TrueLove trumps, ya know. Always.
I know.
I had it.
Once.

I watch you. The love so obvious in all you do.
My stomach turns in knots.
Its like I'm bleeding inside.
Like I'm dying.
Again.

I feel faint.
My legs are weak.
But its not only painful.
Its not that simple.
I wish it were.

Its like I'm being seduced...
Like being pulled back to a memory of an old lover.
It was real what we had, wasn't it?
It was so good.
But now, it is ... it is ... impossible.
And its so damn painful.

I want to get it back:
What I used to have; the thing you still do.
That which drives you, keeps you, owns you.
I too want to be owned, to be kept, to be driven.

Something inside of me screams out to me that I have a choice in this.
"I'll risk again. Its worth it!" I say to myself.
For a minute I pause and ponder what I'm about to do.
I hesitate.
I feel as though I'm worshiping only a memory.
Only a fond, wonderful memory of what I once had.
Or thought I had.
Who knows anymore.

Nevertheless, I pull my foot up off the ground.
I wobble, a little scared of what is to come.
I press on. This love... it was everything to me.
With the goal in mind and sight, I lean forward.

That love. I need it so very desperately.

As my weight shifts and builds in to momentum...
Hopes and dreams build.
Perhaps I have found the path once again!
Tears of joy begin to stream down my face.

And then, as I fall into the utter darkness of silence,
I remember.

Its not me that stopped returning the calls.