Chapter 7f - Miroslav Walks

** Read Chapter 7a, Chapter 7b, Chapter 7c, Chapter 7d, and Chapter 7e first!**

As all of this church drama unfolded, my wife and I were co-leading a nearly two year long marriage class with another married couple, Jim and Jane. We had really developed a deep love for them and each of the other couples involved, and so we decided that we wouldn't leave NH until we were done. (You can read a little bit about the marriage class in one of my earlier posts.)

So how did it go when we left? Read more!It was sometime in September that my dad "confessed" in front of the congregation and was removed from his position in the church. As I shared in my last entry, I was very confused as to what was going on at that time and began investigating. But at the same time, we had this weekly marriage class going on at our house that we continued to be an intrigal part of. Though we were supposed to be leading the class with Jim and Jane, it had effectively turned in to us leading the class with the help of Jim. This was because Jane, his wife, had become pregnant and her body was not handling the pregnancy well. It was very tough for her and there were many times she could not leave the house for days on end. Jim did his best to be involved in the class, but Jane was just physically unable to join us 90% of the time.
So each night, Jim would come over to the house and pray with my wife and I for about fifteen to thirty minutes before the class started. It was during this time that we'd compare notes and develop our "plan of attack" for the night. I remember that just before the first meeting after my dad's "confession," Jim asked me where I stood with what had happened. He had seen my public frustration in earlier leader's meetings. I told him that things were complicated... but that my dad had admitted to a serious sin and that therefore the church was acting biblically in their public rebuke of him and in choosing to remove him. Jim challenged me to deny my my father and to pursue Truth. He related to me that he too had to deny much of his heritage in pursuing Christ... and though it was difficult, we are commanded to have no allegiance other than to Christ. We prayed, and talked about how we would field any questions from the students on the subject. I told him I'd support the leadership despite my misgivings about the situation. That night, the other couples asked me what I thought of everything. They were very much in shell shock (as we ALL were) at what had transpired. I assured them that the Bible commands for public rebuke when a leader falls in to sin and that my father was no exception. And that was that.
I don't remember the topic ever coming up again until my father left. At that point, Jim asked me what my plans were and I told him that we were planning on staying at the church at least through the marriage class, and after that... I wasn't sure. And that was the truth, because I STILL wasn't sure what the heck was going on. This was during the time that I was losing a lot of sleep wondering if my father was truly the man he had been painted to be. I wasn't sure of much... but I did know that I was commited to completing the marriage class.
At a certain point (it must have been soon after the last leader's meeting that I talked about in Chapter 7e), I realized that my wife and I were going to leave the church immediately after the completion of the marriage class. I remember telling Jim about our decision. We were on the way out to a men's event out at this way-out-of-the-way house that had a private man made lake and a cool little out building for parties & meetings. Jim and I were riding together to this thing and were talking about lots of stuff. He asked me if I had told anybody in our class about our plans to leave, and I told him,"No." I told him that it was our plan to finish out the marriage class, meet with the pastor, and then head out at which point they would figure things out. Jim told me that I should tell the other men in the class what my plans were so that they wouldn't be surprised by it all. I told him that I had refrained from talking about it because I didn't want to complicate things. He suggested I inform them I was leaving but to leave it fairly vague... not to get in to all the reasons. Fair enough, I figured. So, that night I told three of the guys what my plans were. They all said that they figured that was the case... and that was pretty much it. I actually remember the exact moment I told two of 'em. They were in tuning their guitars getting ready for worship. They just kind of nodded in understanding, said they understood, and went on back to singing worship songs. It was so not a big deal to anybody.

A short while later, my wife and I had an opportunity to meet with the head pastor. We had decided that since Jim knew, and now our students in the marriage class knew, we ought to have the conversation with the senior pastor. When we decided to set up a meeting, we had to wait a little while because he was away at a pastor's retreat/seminar at Rick Warren's Saddleback Church in SoCal. In anticipation of our meeting, I typed a two page letter outlining the problems that we saw with the church. My wife and I scheduled a meeting with our long time pastor and his wife and got together with them just after they returned from their trip.
I remember being very nervous going in to the meeting. This was a scary thing that was happening. I was seeing things in the leadership that troubled me deeply but leaving the church of my youth... that was HUGE. I was sure of my decision... but, at the same time, I wasn't. There was something that was still very troubling about it all. Even though I had publically accused them of being a "weak leadership" and had begun to see more clearly the twisted thinking that was in my long time church, there was still a part of me that was, um... scared and unsure of myself. A part of me was second-guessing my decision. But all that was about to change.
As soon as we sat down to talk, the pastor had a big smile on his face. He seemed genuinely happy and peaceful. I remember that I was pretty surprised. Surely he was just as burdoned as the rest of us were during those months... and he must have known that the meeting we called was to announce that we were leaving, but he seemed to be strangely removed. I assumed it was because he had just returned from a little quasi-vacation.
He and his wife prayed to get the meeting started. To be honest, I don't remember saying much in our time together. They kind of led the thing. I never even had an opportunity to read my letter or address any of the items on it. Instead, the pastor started out by asking us if we were leaving the church. We said yes and that I had several reasons why, many of them that had nothing at all to do with my father's situation. He didn't ask what the reasons were. Instead, he shared that he had just returned from this pastor's seminar at Saddleback and had a revalation of sorts. He wasn't claiming to have had some sort of supernatural miracle or that God talked to him in a dream or anything. He was just saying that he had come to a realization of some mistakes that had been made. He had talked things through with some other pastors there, shared the most recent events with them, and received counsel. And now he knew what the problem was.
Remember how I said that going in to the meeting I was 99% sure of myself... but that there was a part of me that second-guessed the decision? Well, that 1% went away as my pastor for 24 years told me that he was convinced the reason for all that had happened with my father and all the inner turmoil in leadership was because he had failed to "put his foot down earlier." The pastor said he needed more authority and less discussion. He said that he was sure he had made "too many concessions in an effort to have a colegial eldership." My wife and I were shocked! I remember holding hands with her through the meeting. I felt her grip tighten as the pastor outlined this new revoltion revalation. He went on to say that he had come to realize that as the senior pastor, he needed to take charge, lead the way, and and that he had failed to do so. He said that he needed men around him that supported his decisions, not fought with them. "If you aren't with me, then... there are plenty of other churches in town with empty pews."
The meeting continued and didn't get any prettier. Nobody raised their voices or anything like that; it was just an ugly meeting on so many levels. My wife and I were told that we were shrinking away from a test from God; the church drama was a spritual stepping stone that had been placed in front of us. If we backed away from this test (by leaving the church), we were told that we would never experience any meaningful spiritual growth. We wouldn't experience true friendship. We would wander the desert like Israel did after not going to battle when God called them. True fellowship would illude us. The discussion turned to other churches and we were told specifically that "its a desert out there... it really is."
And then, the curse that crossed the line.
We were told DIRECTLY, twice, that if we left, the pastor was very very concerned that we would end up like my wife's parents, who had just filed divorce papers the day before after a very painful marriage of over twenty years. I interrupted the pastor as he was about to reitterate his "fears" for the third time.
"Stop!" I said. "I'm telling you right now that if you say that again, we will get up and leave. Do not say that again. Do you understand?"
He was surprised at my assertiveness and said he didn't know what I was referring to. I reminded him that he was about to, for the third time, suggest that my wife and I were destined to the same difficult life and painful divorce as her parents were going through that very week. He said he hadn't said such a thing. His wife reminded him that he had and told him that he needed to back off.
Even now as I write this it gets my blood boiling. Here is a man who has known me and my wife our entire lives. He knew the painful details of my in-law's divorce. He knew my wife and I and our fears. I too come from a divorced family and he knew that. And here he was pulling what appeared to be some sort of power play / manipulation trick. It wasn't going to work with me and I wouldn't let him mess with my wife. But it pissed me off, thats for sure.
Thankfully, it also made it easy, and obvious, that it was time for us to go.
I don't remember what else was said in the meeting. I think I kind of put a damper on things but calling out the pastor for what he had said.
Looking back, I can't imagine that the pastor was purposefully being manipulative or hurtful. I just can't imagine that. I prefer to think that he was just doing his best to love us, maybe the only way he knows how. I believe he thinks he was doing the right thing in trying to "warn" us. Makes me sad to think of how screwed up it is to hear stuff like that coming from a senior pastor.

We didn't have a marriage class meeting the week after we met with the pastor. We had taken it off because there was only one more class left, the final evaluations. Plus, there was an all-church retreat that the students were encouraged to go to that weekend.
The following Tuesday at about 5:30pm, I got a call from one of the students trying to confirm the time and place of our meeting.
"Same time, same place," I told him. (Our house, 7:00pm)
"hmm... there is some conflicting information going around then. I was told by Jim it was at his house," said the student.
"Oh... well, you know, maybe Jim got confused or something. I'll give him a ring. Its at our house as usual..."
I didn't think much of it. Sometimes miscommunication happens, ya know? I hung up and dialed Jim who informed me that no, the meeting was at HIS house tonight and I was not invited.
"HUH?! What are you talking about man?"... I asked.
Jim told me that over the weekend at the all-church retreat the senior pastor had informed him that I was no longer to be allowed to teach the class because I was leaving the church.
I was shocked. "Are you serious?" I asked Jim.
"Yes," he said. "But can you bring over the gifts for the students so we can give them out tonight?"
I was just kind of numb. I told my wife what was going on and she was livid. I did my best to calm her down and told her that this was exactly the type of thing we needed (in addition to the crazy meeting with the pastor and his wife) to help make our decision to leave one that we never second guess. I grabbed the students' gifts and headed over to Jim's house to just be done with it. He came outside and thanked me. I asked Jim what he said when the pastor told him that I shouldn't be at the class anymore. Jim said that it was hard to say it, but that he agreed with the pastor.
"WHAT?! Are you serious? Why?!" I asked.
He went on to say that there were several things about me that really bothered him about the last several months: 1) I had changed my style of leadership, 2) I had told the students that I was leaving the church, and 3) I had been meeting with one of the students in a prayer group.
"???!?!?!??!?!! ... Um, what are you talking about? Why is this the first I've heard of any leadership style issues I have? And don't you remember that you are the one that recommended I tell the students that I was leaving?! Why is having a prayer group with a student in the class a bad thing? And if it was not appropriate for some reason why didn't you say something six months ago when I told you?! ... and why didn't you or the pastor call me to discuss this decision?"

All I got in response from Jim was "blah blah blah." No examples. Just vague accusations of being "different" lately. Jim confessed that the pastor had told him that it was inappropriate for me to tell the students I was leaving. I asked Jim if he told the pastor it was HIS idea. Jim said it wasn't important. Jim told me that the pastor also thought it was inappropriate that I had been praying with one of the members of our group. I asked Jim if he told the pastor that he had been fully aware of our prayer meeting and encouraged it. He said that wasn't important either.

I hopped in the car and headed home. I couldn't believe it. Jim had seen my wife and I pour everything we had, our entire hearts and souls, in to this marriage group. I had towed the line and picked up the slack when he couldn't carry his part of the load because of his ailing wife. And I had been suportive of the leadership at all of our meetings. And now this. Just absolute garbage. Thankfully, he and I were not particularly good friends or the pain would have been worse. We had seen battle together, and in that regard had been brought close but it wasn't like my best friend turned on me. Still, it was a taste of betrayal. And I didn't like it.

I returned home and told my wife everything. I decided to call the senior pastor who I discovered was irate with me and was not willing discuss ANYTHING with me. "I've made up my mind and the decision is final. We have nothing left to discuss. Goodbye." He said as he hung up on me.
SHOCK. Seriously. SHOCK. My wife, oh she was not happy at all.

Soon our phones began to ring. The students were calling us and they were very very upset at the news. They wanted to stage a protest. They told me they had all decided to boycott the meeting and come to my house instead. I told them not to. "Just go to the meeting and get it over with. Its the last class, ya know? We love you guys lots..."
After the meeting things did not improve. Six of the eight students (the other two had to get back to babysitters) came to our house in turmoil. They were crying and angry and curious about what the heck was going on. They informed us that the pastor had sent his son and daughter-in-law to "fill in" for us. They hadn't had any dealings with our class whatsoever. They hadn't seen us lead it. They didn't know anything about any of the marriages. They hadn't walked through all the issues... and yet they were brought in to help conduct the final evaluations meeting and to explain why my wife and I were not allowed to lead (they basically were the senior pastor's messengers). The students were shocked to hear the son and daughter-in-law of the pastor detail all the reasons that we were unfit to be leaders anymore. One of the students called it a "two hour long Miroslav and wife bashing session." Rumors and accusations against us were flying. One of the students asked if it was true that I "cursed out the pastor." ... ??? ... uh, no.
The evaluations hadn't been completed that night at the marriage class meeting, they spent the whole time trying to convince the bewildered class that removing us from the class was the right thing to do. My wife and I comforted the students, told them that we agreed it was completely wacky, but that we thought they should just go to class the next week to finish things up and be done with it all. They did.

Over the next several weeks, I had a couple of phone conversations with the pastor's son, who had been a long time friend. I told him that he had blindly followed "marching orders" from his father, the pastor. I told him he had no business getting involved in that situation. And if he felt like he did have a role to play, he should have called me ahead of time to make sure he was getting the straight scoop. Couldn't the meeting been put off a bit to make sure things were being handled properly? I told him it almost seemed like he had been used as a pawn in his father's fight against my dad. I didn't know that to be true for sure but it sure felt like that was what was going on. My dad has an argument with the senior pastor and leaves the church... then I announce I'm going to be leaving... and the pastor sends his son to usher me out. Just kind of weird, ya know? Why not be a man about it and go clean up your own mess rather than send your son to do it? Bah. Finally, I told the pastor's son that I lost my respect for him. He was sorry to hear that. Yeah, well... what can I say.
My wife also had a conversation with the daughter-in-law not too long after we left. My wife is so awesome. She took the Truth to this girl and rocked her world. She had no answer for any of the challenges my wife brought and instead deferred to the "I was following my husband" excuse. PUKE. Some of the questions my wife brought demanded an answer and that excuse didn't cut the mustard. The daughter-in-law said she'd look in to it and get back to my wife. She never did.

And thats the one-post version of how things went down as my wife and I left the church that was NewHope. Glad to be out of that mess, thats for dang sure!