Chapter 7c - Things Get Messy
** Be sure to read Chapter 7a and Chapter 7b first! **
And so my father was: with the EPL in his hand and a warning from Tommy. And this warning came from Tommy despite the fact that the Tommy believed the EPL was true, accurate, and written in love. Tommy did not disputed any of the claims in the EPL... and yet he did not think that was the point. He was far more concerned about how the other elders would PERCEIVE the accusations than anything else. At the time, Tommy felt that my father should explore other methods that he felt would be more effective in dealing with the issues that plagued the leadership. (Since then Tommy has changed his mind and come to the realization that the method had absolutely nothing to do with the outcome. For since my dad's efforts failed, many methods have been attempted by many other people, including Tommy himself. And all ended with the similar result. In a phone conversation several years later, Tommy would confess to me that criticizing my dad "was a bit like criticizing a 5'2" guy trying to stop Shaq from dunking. It really wouldn't matter how well he tried to play Defense... Shaq is going to dunk the ball.")
So anyhow, back to the story. Read more...
At that time, there were five elders... which included the three full-time paid pastors (the senior pastor, the gossiping pastor, and my father) and two unpaid elders (one of which was Tommy, my father's friend of thirty years). The meeting was to happen in the later part of the evening on a Sunday.
I remember talking to my dad about the upcoming meeting just prior to him heading out. I asked him how he was feeling. His response? "Hopeful, my boy, very hopeful."
I didn't hear anything back from him that night.
The next day I saw him in the morning and he looked absolutely horrible. And if you know my dad, he is really not the type of guy that ever looks like he is down. Even if he was dyin', he would be mindful of the guy who has it worse than him and that would make him grateful and would keep his head up. But on this day, he was just DOWN. I remember it was almost scary to see. I asked him how the meeting went. "Absolutely horrible. Worse than I could have ever imagined.... I don't know my boy... I don't know. It was just... awful. There was a rage that took over when *senior pastor* heard what I had to say. I've seen it before... and it was awful." We saw each other only in passing... he was driving off and didn't have much time to talk.
Later in the day, I got a call letting me know that an emergency family meeting had been called... we were meeting at my dads around 6ish. Apparently, my dad had left a copy of the EPL with each of the elders and now small clips from it had been taken (out of context) and had hit the fax machines/emails of various leaders of ministry within the church. My dad only found out about all this because he started fielding calls inquiring about the truth of the claim that he he had made an effort to take over the church! My step-mom was outraged at these accusations and had been receiving calls from her family asking that a family meeting be held. Once my dad heard this, he finally accepted the fact that a family meeting was needed. And once he had done that and word of our family's meeting travelled, the family began fielding calls telling them not to go to the meeting! It was like war had been declared against my dad... he had become Public Enemy #1.
Out of love and respect, my father had kept all of the issues that he had on his mind 100% confidential... he had told nobody outside of the elders and his wife. He had gone to them directly, with bold accusations to be sure, and shot straight from the heart. And now, news was travelling around the congregation that he had tried to take over the church. He was both brokenhearted and outraged, and at the prodding of his family was now willing to set the story straight with his family before further lies were spread. He intended to tell his story and read the EPL to the family to allow them to judge for themselves.
I remember clearly walking down the street with my newly born baby boy in tow. My wife was alongside me. We entered the house and there was such a strange feeling in the air. Nervous aunt and uncles paced. There had to be around fifteen to twenty of us there. Whispers filled the air... "Is it true?" "What have YOU heard?" "I got a call from so and so who said..." ... Others sat silently waiting to see what would happen next. I saw my dad's friend Tommy drive up and I greeted him at the door, surprised to see him there. He looked equally horrible as my dad. His eyes were full of tears and he told me that he was determined to stop my dad from holding the meeting. He searched the house for my father, and found him... we all waited ... and waited... and waited. About 15 minutes later, my father met us in the living room, head hung low. Tears dripping. An unusual and unbecoming aura of shock and bewilderment surrounded him. His whole body seemed to scream, "I can't believe this is happening..." And he began to speak.
He told of the reason for our meeting, that lies were being spread about him. Lies that said that he was trying to take over the church. He assured us he had no desire to do so. He told about how he had held his tongue for so long, keeping these issues hidden from his loved ones out of respect for the leadership of the church. But now, he was holding this meeting because he and my step-mom wanted us, their family, to hear the truth straight from the horse's mouth.
And out came the EPL... he held it firmly in his hands, prepared to read it. Tommy sat one room away, tormented ... hoping and praying that the EPL would NOT be read.
And then, another twist.
My mouth opened, and I spoke.
"Dad, if you don't mind me interrupting... I understand that you have an offense against one of the elders. Is that true?"
"Well, yes...," he said.
"In the Bible it tells us how to deal with accusations and conflict, specifically with elders: that you must have witnesses, and that you must follow a specific process outlined in the book of Matthew. I know you have already confronted the elders, but have you gone back a second time with witnesses as described there? And is there a second party who can testify to your accusations?"
"Yeah, I have witnesses, and I've addressed some of these issues several times with the elders. This isn't anything totally new. Its gone on for a long time. Several years ago, this same type of stuff happened and has happened again and again since," he replied.
"But have you ever gone to the next step and brought others in to witness the discussion and the step after to turn it to the church for a decision? For if you haven't, I cannot sit here and listen to these accusations... me and my family will have to stand up and leave."
And of course, I knew he hadn't.
Others began to chime in that they agreed with me. Some mentioned how much they loved my dad and step-mom and they were seriously saddened by this mess (even though they were ignorant to what was going on) ... they expressed love and care for them. My dad tucked the EPL away content to not read it for the time being as the family assured him that they knew he was not plotting a church takeover. What he needed to do was to go back... go back and take whatever steps need to be taken to fix this thing.
"But you will need to pray for me" my father said. "I have absolutely no faith in those men and refuse to bring my wife into the room with them. They are vicious and it gets so warped and twisted."
My step-mom spoke up and said she had grown up in a house with lots of yelling, and that she was more than willing to confront the eldership.
At any rate, he had to conceed, for I had him by the proverbial Biblical Balls.
What the hell was I doing forcing my dad back in to that mess? I have no clue. Well, thats not true... At the time, I thought it was a pretty noble thing to do to stand up to my own dad for the sake of what was said in the Bible. And hey, maybe it could have turned out really well if he went back in and found a leadership that was willing to deal with the accusations brought up. But that is not quite how things would play out.
The next morning, my father was a broken man. He had wanted to walk away from it all peacefully, then was told by me and Tommy to be honest about what was going on, then had the meeting with the elders (which I haven't even started to talk about yet but lets just say that my dad was ripped a new one!), then had rumors spread that he was taking over the church, then held a family meeting to clear it all up, only to be desperately pleaded with and admonished by his friend Tommy not to proceed, and to top it all had his own son (me) tell him to go back and try again or he'd walk out on the meeting! What a crazy whirlwind of events! The weight and confusion of it all became unbearable... yes, even this man of faith, this man of a man who is my father can break. And he did.
It is my belief that my father was turned inside out and upside down at this point. He had just become painfully aware that the church he had poured his whole life into had a failed leadership. He wanted to walk away, but was forced to confrontation. And then, it all blew up in his face where everywhere he turned he was being told it was his fault. I believe that something inside of him just broke. He began to buy in to the story that it was all his failures and fault at this point and figured that he was missing something.
To be honest, I did not see or talk to my dad the morning after the family meeting. But from what I recall hearing, he met with the senior pastor the next day, whereby my father apologized for saying he would leave the church. My father told the senior pastor that he wanted to give a further effort to work everything out.. the friendships and ministry efforts were just too long-standing to give up on, there were more options to pursure biblically to do things the right way. And so my dad turned himself over to the senior pastor, asking for direction and willingness to go along with whatever the pastor suggested. The meeting was a heart to heart conversation shared between friends of over thirty years. They wept together at the meeting, and left with a shared hope for the future. It was my father's hope and expectation that the next over the next several weeks, each of the accusations brought to the table would be prayed about and addressed... one by one, as truth was sought out. If need be, witnesses would be brought and outside councel sought in an effort to seek truth, peace, and reconciliation.
However, my father's expectations and hopes for the future were much different than those of the other elders because the next day, the senior pastor called my dad and told him that the elders had met and were demanding my father's immediate resignation. They also would hold a public rebuke to be held on the very next Sunday in front of the entire congregation. Furthermore, it was required that the public rebuke include a statement read by my father taking responsibilty for the recent turmoil. The senior pastor feared that unless the words came directly from my father's mouth, nobody would buy the story and would instead become suspicious as to the recent commotion felt from the leadership. My father was also told that a "restoration program" would later be developed by the elders that he would also have to particpate in.
As I learned about this public rebuke and statement that was to be drafted, I began to wonder what the heck was going on. Things were not making sense at all. And everything was moving at lightning speed. Why was all of this happening within one week's time? And why was it all so hidden? It kind of reminded me of how government cover-ups are portrayed in the movies: Quick... decisive... unwaivering in their story... just wanting to give a quick definative answer for the masses and move on.
Looking back, I now know that it was a mixture of confusion and faith that my father agreed to the "discipline." Walking by faith he trusted that the path laid out by the elders would be a good one. Analyzing my dad's decision to go along with everything, I can now say without reservation that it was a mistake for him to back down from the fight that was before him. However, I also say with equal strength that my father was not acting out of arrogance or that he was a liar (as he was later accused of). No, quite the opposite. In a way that can only be understood by those that have experienced spiritual abuse, my father's act of denying his own convictions and trying to accept the blame for it all was actually a result of his love of the church, humility, and confusion. He was becoming a victim of the broken leadership he had participated in and then sought to confront. Not too unlike a whistle-blower in the corporate world...
In order to come up with an agreeable statement to read in front of the church, my dad agreed to meet with the fifth elder, John (who I have not talked about to this point). Later in the week, my dad drafted the original statement and met with John to review it. They wrestled back and forth with the statement over coffee trying to find words agreeable to both the elders and my father. John wanted my father to mention nothing of his accusations against the eldership, but to focus solely on his "failures" (The key failure was arrogantly thinking that he had insight to failures in the leadership... ooh... how horrible a thought!).
What had started as my father rebuking the leadership of the church had now come full circle. It was now my father who was being made to publicly repent for bringing the accusations in the first place.
One night, my wife and I headed over to my dad's house to see how they were doing. As we walked upstairs and started chatting with my dad and step-mom in their room, something seemed... off. If I can return to the analogy of a government cover-up, I would say that my dad seemed to be in the part of the key eyewitness who had been masterfully painted in to a corner by the government in order to keep things under wraps. He seemed... scared. Overpowered. Confused. (Very odd things to see in my father for he surely is a man among men, a strong and confident person. He is the type who holds his head high even when the chips are down and all hope seems to be lost.) And somehow mixed in to all of this, I also saw in his face doubt that maybe he had not had things right in the first place. Maybe he WAS wrong. Could all of these people he had called friends and worked with for so many years really be wrong? No... that couldn't be possible! You have to remember, the church culture of New Hope was such that there were no cosmic exceptions. If nine people in a room saw the matter as white, and you call it black... you were wrong, period, end of story. And remember, my father had allowed this type of cultic mentality to continue by not always putting up a fight when he witnessed horrible leadership decisions being made. He had even particpated and fed this church culture by some of his own actions and decisions. And now all these things had caught up to him and he was collapsing under the weight of it all.
Being the ultra-compassionate son that I am... what do you think I said as I saw my father in this broken state heading towards public rebuke and humiliation?
"Dad, it seems like you are taking the easy way out..."
(ouch.)
"The EASY WAY??! You think its the easy way to take the fall for all of this? To get up in front of four hundred people and say that its my fault? You are nuts," he said.
"I just think you need to get in there and keep duking it out with them and fight for what is right. What are you even saying sorry for?"
"Get out of here... you are crazy... its late and we need to get to sleep," my father said as he shook his head, shocked ... almost amused at my accusation towards him. How could I be telling him he was taking the easy way out?
I did not have the conviction to press him any further, because at this point, it was all becoming very blurry to me. My father was going to be publicly rebuked? For WHAT? Was there some part to the story I was missing? Even if there wasn't more to the story, seeds had begun to be planted in my own heart that yes ... my father must be wrong. After all, if all these other people saw it so clearly, he MUST be wrong. For that is how we lived and breathed and judged such things in the church for so long. I saw nobody standing with him besides my step-mom. Wasn't that proof enough that he was out of line?
And so... worse than a sheep to the slaughter, my dad began the walk towards public defamation. And I say worse, because it is not by its own power that a sheep is killed. My father, however, would lose nearly all he held dear through his own words spoken in front of a church eager to blame somebody for the confusion and angst that was beginning to be felt by this bomb that had been dropped within the leadership.
It was an odd Sunday. More than odd really. We had visitors... people who had left the church months ago, some years ago... had somehow heard of this public rebuking that was to occur, and they made a special trip. Yes, it was a packed house... standing-room only.
** Continue the story with Chapter 7d **
And so my father was: with the EPL in his hand and a warning from Tommy. And this warning came from Tommy despite the fact that the Tommy believed the EPL was true, accurate, and written in love. Tommy did not disputed any of the claims in the EPL... and yet he did not think that was the point. He was far more concerned about how the other elders would PERCEIVE the accusations than anything else. At the time, Tommy felt that my father should explore other methods that he felt would be more effective in dealing with the issues that plagued the leadership. (Since then Tommy has changed his mind and come to the realization that the method had absolutely nothing to do with the outcome. For since my dad's efforts failed, many methods have been attempted by many other people, including Tommy himself. And all ended with the similar result. In a phone conversation several years later, Tommy would confess to me that criticizing my dad "was a bit like criticizing a 5'2" guy trying to stop Shaq from dunking. It really wouldn't matter how well he tried to play Defense... Shaq is going to dunk the ball.")
So anyhow, back to the story. Read more...
At that time, there were five elders... which included the three full-time paid pastors (the senior pastor, the gossiping pastor, and my father) and two unpaid elders (one of which was Tommy, my father's friend of thirty years). The meeting was to happen in the later part of the evening on a Sunday.
I remember talking to my dad about the upcoming meeting just prior to him heading out. I asked him how he was feeling. His response? "Hopeful, my boy, very hopeful."
I didn't hear anything back from him that night.
The next day I saw him in the morning and he looked absolutely horrible. And if you know my dad, he is really not the type of guy that ever looks like he is down. Even if he was dyin', he would be mindful of the guy who has it worse than him and that would make him grateful and would keep his head up. But on this day, he was just DOWN. I remember it was almost scary to see. I asked him how the meeting went. "Absolutely horrible. Worse than I could have ever imagined.... I don't know my boy... I don't know. It was just... awful. There was a rage that took over when *senior pastor* heard what I had to say. I've seen it before... and it was awful." We saw each other only in passing... he was driving off and didn't have much time to talk.
Later in the day, I got a call letting me know that an emergency family meeting had been called... we were meeting at my dads around 6ish. Apparently, my dad had left a copy of the EPL with each of the elders and now small clips from it had been taken (out of context) and had hit the fax machines/emails of various leaders of ministry within the church. My dad only found out about all this because he started fielding calls inquiring about the truth of the claim that he he had made an effort to take over the church! My step-mom was outraged at these accusations and had been receiving calls from her family asking that a family meeting be held. Once my dad heard this, he finally accepted the fact that a family meeting was needed. And once he had done that and word of our family's meeting travelled, the family began fielding calls telling them not to go to the meeting! It was like war had been declared against my dad... he had become Public Enemy #1.
Out of love and respect, my father had kept all of the issues that he had on his mind 100% confidential... he had told nobody outside of the elders and his wife. He had gone to them directly, with bold accusations to be sure, and shot straight from the heart. And now, news was travelling around the congregation that he had tried to take over the church. He was both brokenhearted and outraged, and at the prodding of his family was now willing to set the story straight with his family before further lies were spread. He intended to tell his story and read the EPL to the family to allow them to judge for themselves.
I remember clearly walking down the street with my newly born baby boy in tow. My wife was alongside me. We entered the house and there was such a strange feeling in the air. Nervous aunt and uncles paced. There had to be around fifteen to twenty of us there. Whispers filled the air... "Is it true?" "What have YOU heard?" "I got a call from so and so who said..." ... Others sat silently waiting to see what would happen next. I saw my dad's friend Tommy drive up and I greeted him at the door, surprised to see him there. He looked equally horrible as my dad. His eyes were full of tears and he told me that he was determined to stop my dad from holding the meeting. He searched the house for my father, and found him... we all waited ... and waited... and waited. About 15 minutes later, my father met us in the living room, head hung low. Tears dripping. An unusual and unbecoming aura of shock and bewilderment surrounded him. His whole body seemed to scream, "I can't believe this is happening..." And he began to speak.
He told of the reason for our meeting, that lies were being spread about him. Lies that said that he was trying to take over the church. He assured us he had no desire to do so. He told about how he had held his tongue for so long, keeping these issues hidden from his loved ones out of respect for the leadership of the church. But now, he was holding this meeting because he and my step-mom wanted us, their family, to hear the truth straight from the horse's mouth.
And out came the EPL... he held it firmly in his hands, prepared to read it. Tommy sat one room away, tormented ... hoping and praying that the EPL would NOT be read.
And then, another twist.
My mouth opened, and I spoke.
"Dad, if you don't mind me interrupting... I understand that you have an offense against one of the elders. Is that true?"
"Well, yes...," he said.
"In the Bible it tells us how to deal with accusations and conflict, specifically with elders: that you must have witnesses, and that you must follow a specific process outlined in the book of Matthew. I know you have already confronted the elders, but have you gone back a second time with witnesses as described there? And is there a second party who can testify to your accusations?"
"Yeah, I have witnesses, and I've addressed some of these issues several times with the elders. This isn't anything totally new. Its gone on for a long time. Several years ago, this same type of stuff happened and has happened again and again since," he replied.
"But have you ever gone to the next step and brought others in to witness the discussion and the step after to turn it to the church for a decision? For if you haven't, I cannot sit here and listen to these accusations... me and my family will have to stand up and leave."
And of course, I knew he hadn't.
Others began to chime in that they agreed with me. Some mentioned how much they loved my dad and step-mom and they were seriously saddened by this mess (even though they were ignorant to what was going on) ... they expressed love and care for them. My dad tucked the EPL away content to not read it for the time being as the family assured him that they knew he was not plotting a church takeover. What he needed to do was to go back... go back and take whatever steps need to be taken to fix this thing.
"But you will need to pray for me" my father said. "I have absolutely no faith in those men and refuse to bring my wife into the room with them. They are vicious and it gets so warped and twisted."
My step-mom spoke up and said she had grown up in a house with lots of yelling, and that she was more than willing to confront the eldership.
At any rate, he had to conceed, for I had him by the proverbial Biblical Balls.
What the hell was I doing forcing my dad back in to that mess? I have no clue. Well, thats not true... At the time, I thought it was a pretty noble thing to do to stand up to my own dad for the sake of what was said in the Bible. And hey, maybe it could have turned out really well if he went back in and found a leadership that was willing to deal with the accusations brought up. But that is not quite how things would play out.
The next morning, my father was a broken man. He had wanted to walk away from it all peacefully, then was told by me and Tommy to be honest about what was going on, then had the meeting with the elders (which I haven't even started to talk about yet but lets just say that my dad was ripped a new one!), then had rumors spread that he was taking over the church, then held a family meeting to clear it all up, only to be desperately pleaded with and admonished by his friend Tommy not to proceed, and to top it all had his own son (me) tell him to go back and try again or he'd walk out on the meeting! What a crazy whirlwind of events! The weight and confusion of it all became unbearable... yes, even this man of faith, this man of a man who is my father can break. And he did.
It is my belief that my father was turned inside out and upside down at this point. He had just become painfully aware that the church he had poured his whole life into had a failed leadership. He wanted to walk away, but was forced to confrontation. And then, it all blew up in his face where everywhere he turned he was being told it was his fault. I believe that something inside of him just broke. He began to buy in to the story that it was all his failures and fault at this point and figured that he was missing something.
To be honest, I did not see or talk to my dad the morning after the family meeting. But from what I recall hearing, he met with the senior pastor the next day, whereby my father apologized for saying he would leave the church. My father told the senior pastor that he wanted to give a further effort to work everything out.. the friendships and ministry efforts were just too long-standing to give up on, there were more options to pursure biblically to do things the right way. And so my dad turned himself over to the senior pastor, asking for direction and willingness to go along with whatever the pastor suggested. The meeting was a heart to heart conversation shared between friends of over thirty years. They wept together at the meeting, and left with a shared hope for the future. It was my father's hope and expectation that the next over the next several weeks, each of the accusations brought to the table would be prayed about and addressed... one by one, as truth was sought out. If need be, witnesses would be brought and outside councel sought in an effort to seek truth, peace, and reconciliation.
However, my father's expectations and hopes for the future were much different than those of the other elders because the next day, the senior pastor called my dad and told him that the elders had met and were demanding my father's immediate resignation. They also would hold a public rebuke to be held on the very next Sunday in front of the entire congregation. Furthermore, it was required that the public rebuke include a statement read by my father taking responsibilty for the recent turmoil. The senior pastor feared that unless the words came directly from my father's mouth, nobody would buy the story and would instead become suspicious as to the recent commotion felt from the leadership. My father was also told that a "restoration program" would later be developed by the elders that he would also have to particpate in.
As I learned about this public rebuke and statement that was to be drafted, I began to wonder what the heck was going on. Things were not making sense at all. And everything was moving at lightning speed. Why was all of this happening within one week's time? And why was it all so hidden? It kind of reminded me of how government cover-ups are portrayed in the movies: Quick... decisive... unwaivering in their story... just wanting to give a quick definative answer for the masses and move on.
Looking back, I now know that it was a mixture of confusion and faith that my father agreed to the "discipline." Walking by faith he trusted that the path laid out by the elders would be a good one. Analyzing my dad's decision to go along with everything, I can now say without reservation that it was a mistake for him to back down from the fight that was before him. However, I also say with equal strength that my father was not acting out of arrogance or that he was a liar (as he was later accused of). No, quite the opposite. In a way that can only be understood by those that have experienced spiritual abuse, my father's act of denying his own convictions and trying to accept the blame for it all was actually a result of his love of the church, humility, and confusion. He was becoming a victim of the broken leadership he had participated in and then sought to confront. Not too unlike a whistle-blower in the corporate world...
In order to come up with an agreeable statement to read in front of the church, my dad agreed to meet with the fifth elder, John (who I have not talked about to this point). Later in the week, my dad drafted the original statement and met with John to review it. They wrestled back and forth with the statement over coffee trying to find words agreeable to both the elders and my father. John wanted my father to mention nothing of his accusations against the eldership, but to focus solely on his "failures" (The key failure was arrogantly thinking that he had insight to failures in the leadership... ooh... how horrible a thought!).
What had started as my father rebuking the leadership of the church had now come full circle. It was now my father who was being made to publicly repent for bringing the accusations in the first place.
One night, my wife and I headed over to my dad's house to see how they were doing. As we walked upstairs and started chatting with my dad and step-mom in their room, something seemed... off. If I can return to the analogy of a government cover-up, I would say that my dad seemed to be in the part of the key eyewitness who had been masterfully painted in to a corner by the government in order to keep things under wraps. He seemed... scared. Overpowered. Confused. (Very odd things to see in my father for he surely is a man among men, a strong and confident person. He is the type who holds his head high even when the chips are down and all hope seems to be lost.) And somehow mixed in to all of this, I also saw in his face doubt that maybe he had not had things right in the first place. Maybe he WAS wrong. Could all of these people he had called friends and worked with for so many years really be wrong? No... that couldn't be possible! You have to remember, the church culture of New Hope was such that there were no cosmic exceptions. If nine people in a room saw the matter as white, and you call it black... you were wrong, period, end of story. And remember, my father had allowed this type of cultic mentality to continue by not always putting up a fight when he witnessed horrible leadership decisions being made. He had even particpated and fed this church culture by some of his own actions and decisions. And now all these things had caught up to him and he was collapsing under the weight of it all.
Being the ultra-compassionate son that I am... what do you think I said as I saw my father in this broken state heading towards public rebuke and humiliation?
"Dad, it seems like you are taking the easy way out..."
(ouch.)
"The EASY WAY??! You think its the easy way to take the fall for all of this? To get up in front of four hundred people and say that its my fault? You are nuts," he said.
"I just think you need to get in there and keep duking it out with them and fight for what is right. What are you even saying sorry for?"
"Get out of here... you are crazy... its late and we need to get to sleep," my father said as he shook his head, shocked ... almost amused at my accusation towards him. How could I be telling him he was taking the easy way out?
I did not have the conviction to press him any further, because at this point, it was all becoming very blurry to me. My father was going to be publicly rebuked? For WHAT? Was there some part to the story I was missing? Even if there wasn't more to the story, seeds had begun to be planted in my own heart that yes ... my father must be wrong. After all, if all these other people saw it so clearly, he MUST be wrong. For that is how we lived and breathed and judged such things in the church for so long. I saw nobody standing with him besides my step-mom. Wasn't that proof enough that he was out of line?
And so... worse than a sheep to the slaughter, my dad began the walk towards public defamation. And I say worse, because it is not by its own power that a sheep is killed. My father, however, would lose nearly all he held dear through his own words spoken in front of a church eager to blame somebody for the confusion and angst that was beginning to be felt by this bomb that had been dropped within the leadership.
It was an odd Sunday. More than odd really. We had visitors... people who had left the church months ago, some years ago... had somehow heard of this public rebuking that was to occur, and they made a special trip. Yes, it was a packed house... standing-room only.
** Continue the story with Chapter 7d **
posted by Miroslav at 11:44 PM
7 Comments:
Miroslav-
When I split from my church it was the first church I had ever left. The senior pastor covered his sin well, and afterward I found out that there was only one man who believed in me. The rest bought the lies that he fed them, and they got the consequences of the pastor’s sin as he killed the church one by one over the next two years. At the end of the two years, the board did come back and apologize to me- but two years?
In the middle of the process I wrote a 17 page reasoned debate for the necessity of my behavior. The pain of writing that paper was immense, and I think of it when I read your narrative on the church. One difference for me was that early in my Christian life, my mentor and pastor warned me to expect pain from those I was close to, and not from strangers. Another difference is what happened afterward; I had the conviction of God that I was essentially right, and the certainty of the Spirit that things would work out. During those two years I walked powerfully with God- or should I invert that and say He powerfully carried me? At any rate I moved to certainty and it seems as if you moved to uncertainty. I wonder what the difference is.
Pat
Khazad-dum Survivor,
What the heck is Khazad-dum??! *(Miroslav googles... and laughs loudly at what he finds!)
Mr. D,
Couple of thoughts...
First off, you have to understand that this is not primarily my tale (up to this point). What you've read so far is really a telling of my father's story from my perspective.
Secondly, I not sure what your point is on sharing the advice your mentor gave you other than maybe you were suggesting I was naive to think I was "safe" in this church of mine. I would agree with that thought whole heartedly! I'd even go further to say that because my parents divorced when I was young, I probably put even MORE stock in the relationships at the church for it became my new family. So yes, I was definately wide open for hurt and disappointment and this all caught me entirely off-guard, even though it was not the first time somebody close to me had hurt me.
As to your last comment/question: Since leaving the church, my father has walked with the same level of conviction and faith that he has for as long as I've called him Dad. He has published a worship record and is constantly invited to preach and lead worship at churches all over California. He also continues to serve in his new church and reaches out to the ghetto community around him. So, I am confident that he is doing just fine faith wise. Also, his resolve and conviction regarding the issues that surrounded him leaving our church have only been strengthened and reinforced as he's felt comforted by God, though he tries to stay out of any of the the ongoing battle as much as possible. As time has gone by, he has watched the church fall apart and other people continue to be hurt by the broken leadership that he wanted so desperately to change. He has since received numerous apologies from most of the leaders who were around when he left.
I will take this opportunity though to point to two things that may be different in your two stories. One is that our church was highly authoritative and disciplinary. You will read more details in the next chapter but just to give you an idea, he is still, in their eyes, a "Marked Man" under church discipline. They still, as recent as the past month or two, hold meetings about him. And none of the elders of the church would meet face to face with my father to hear his side of the story because they have been warned that he is a "Dangerous Man" able to manipulate their minds! The second difference I see is that my father did share in some of the guilt of the leadership by 1) not standing against it sooner, and 2) making mistakes of his own similar to theirs that hurt people. Taking those two things in to mind, I would imagine that as difficult as your church seperation was, it was probably a cleaner cut (since you didn't share in the leaderships failures nor did you tell the whole church you were the problem and later back off the statement) and it was probably easier to walk away from (because I'm guessing your church probably did not follow you to all the churches you went to and "warn" your new pastors about you or boycott ministry events that you participated in.) I am making some assumptions here, I apologize if I'm off.
As far as I am concerned, my resolve and conviction regarding the church issues are as strong as ever. But my faith, well... you know where that is at the moment.
You asked about the difference in result after the seperation from the church... and I am assuming you are asking about the difference between you and I because I see primarily similarities between your story and my fathers (from what little I know about your story that is).
I can really only speak to my own faith and how all of this affected me.
One thing that I find curious (because it is really the core issue of my faith challenge) is that you wrote about your faith being strengthened: "or should I invert that and say He powerfully carried me?" Maybe rather than looking into why my faith is lacking, maybe I should invert it and say that God appears to have taken away the faith that He once gave me and leave it at that. (uh oh, Miroslav opens yet another can of worms...)
But if I am to try to give you some input as to how I think that this church thing affected me I'd like to point you to a previous blog entry I made entitled "A written confession" posted 11-14-2005. One of my points in that blog entry (and here) is that although I cannot deny that the church implosion had an effect on me, I really don't point to that event as the REASON for me doubting my faith. It certainly was the TRIGGER that got everything rolling. It set off a chain of events that have lead me to where I am now, but really, the event is pretty far removed from my core trouble with the message of Christ (God's Sovereignty and our "Free Will").
One thing I'm not clear on. You wrote: "Another difference is what happened afterward; I had the conviction of God that I was essentially right, and the certainty of the Spirit that things would work out." I too had that certainty, at least until my faith in God went away. But I'm wondering if you are suggesting that because my faith is shaken, it may be a result of the fact that I (and/or my father) were not "right?" (just an honest question here trying to clarify)
Chow for now!
Miroslav,
The last comment kind of pricks me to the heart, and I want to answer it quickly to disavow your thinking that I do not agree with your father.
He was completely right in what he did, and the only thing I might wish for is that he had done it earlier. I understand clearly from what you wrote the reasons that he did not go earlier, and I am very happy to hear you say good things about his present walk with God.
I watched the effects of the church on my daughter and her husband, and particularly when they tried to pull away- I have no doubt that what they were doing had turned to evil.
Which is, as you guessed,the point of my telling you my tale. I did not remember any specifics, but I knew you were coming out of that culture, and were still very young. I marvel at God's raising it as an issue in my mind and relating it to you before I had read your latest post, but again we could chalk that up to a lucky guess if we did not want to see his hand, couldn't we?
Mr. D
A couple of points on some things you said.
Secondly, I not sure what your point is on sharing the advice your mentor gave you other than maybe you were suggesting I was naive to think I was "safe" in this church of mine
Naïve would not be my choice of words here; rather I would choose the word typical. I think most Christians assume they are safest around other Christians, their friends and their family. I mentioned it because it stuck with me through the years long after the Pastor who mentored me had passed on. I tasted the fruits of his warning and did rue the day I found their truth.
And none of the elders of the church would meet face to face with my father to hear his side of the story because they have been warned that he is a "Dangerous Man" able to manipulate their minds!
One key sign of sin in the church is blindness and a preference for continued blindness. It is the sign of a developing problem, and a very unhealthy thing for a church to do. Also, except for the vacation thing you tell about in your next post, it still sounds like a “we win you lose” scenario. Very arrogant and hurtful. I do hurt a little with your father, more because I have been unjustly on the end of the sword.
One thing I'm not clear on. You wrote: "Another difference is what happened afterward; I had the conviction of God that I was essentially right, and the certainty of the Spirit that things would work out." I too had that certainty, at least until my faith in God went away. But I'm wondering if you are suggesting that because my faith is shaken, it may be a result of the fact that I (and/or my father) were not "right?" (just an honest question here trying to clarify)
I already posted on this, but there are a few observations I would like to make about church splits. Churches split over everything, even what color to paint their walls. And splits are immensely painful by definition. I did suggest that your faith was shaken by this, and you know your heart and history much better than me. Still, I think it was an “major earthquake” (or trigger) experience to you as evidenced by your need to talk about it still.
As chairman of the board, I choose to leave and effectively mute myself, but on a personal level I wanted very much to talk. Thank God my wife listened to me and came to see things though she was uncertain at first. Those first few months were the toughest because it seemed like it was very much God and me. As the months progressed I did find more voice with some who were unexpected listeners, and ultimately did get to present my 17 page paper to the deacons. Even that was to no avail, but I had the assurance of the Spirit that it would indeed fail. Still I gave it my best shot. I was concerned for the church and did not want to author the split I did see coming.
My current church has a favorite song which I utterly despise. I think the title is “Let the Walls Come Down”. I often find myself praying that that will never happen. Our hearts are evil and corrupt, beyond self-redemption. If the walls come down, the ugliness necessarily is exposed, and the consequences of our sins can easily come upon us. I think that splits often involve “the walls coming down” in areas where they would have been better off staying up.
Isn’t that true of your former church? I know it was true with my daughter and the things she described in trying to leave, and leave on good terms with everyone. I want to be clear here. If we push too hard to make all the barriers come down, the unrighteousness and wickedness has to surface. Arrogance of knowing the right course is assumed and thrust upon us. Individuals are not allowed their own conscious; all is melded into one- and usually that means the dominant one makes all others submit. I know that my church does not think of that when they sing. Instead they think they will be able to more strongly encourage one another for righteousness. The opposite can and does happen.
I leave with a final thought. It sounds like your father was used somewhat to act as a prophet to his church. Prophets, we are told, are without honor in their own country. I, too, felt used like a prophet, for one of the prophet’s jobs was to tell people they were in sin and that never seems to be a well received message. But before your last two posts, I found myself wondering where he was, what he was feeling in all of this. I wasn’t going to pry, but hoped you would tell. But the reason I tell you this is that I would expect God to provide a safe haven for his spokesman. Isn’t that what he did?
Mr. D
Mr. D,
Thank you for your clarification on the one question I had at the end there. :D
I hope that other readers will dig deep enough to understand your thoughts on the whole walls coming down thing. I had to read it several times before it got through my thick head what you were saying (and maybe I still did not grasp it correctly).
If I understand you correctly, you are saying that sometimes its best to be willing to part company with other believers (or live together) without knocking down all the "walls"... we don't have any particular call or reason to dig and dig and dig into one another's heart's convictions. Sometimes, some level of "superficiality" (probably a really horrible word to use here) is beneficial, for if/when our walls are knocked down, we tend to vigorously defend the convictions are held inside. When that happens, "Arrogance of knowing the right course is assumed and thrust upon us"... skermishing lines are formed... and full out war rages, with the most common victim being the minority, but ultimately all of our individual conscious.
Do I correctly understand your statement there?
Talk of prophets and such are probably not a good topic for me with where my faith stands at the moment. :D But I will say that yes, my dad did find an amazingly deep new home for his heart shortly after he left in the company of a "new" set of friends, some of whom he had built friendships with nearly thirty years earlier! My father DEFINATELY counts that as one of MANY of God's provisions for him during that time.
Lastly, I do not deny that this church implosion has had a profound affect on everybody who was involved. Some more than others, depending on their proximity to it all. It goes to a deeper level than a "simple" church split though (if there is such a thing... hehe...). For in this church that we left, there existed a measure of spiritual abuse and cultic behavior/culture. Any study you read that looks at people who leave a spiritually abusive situation will confirm that its affects are deep and profound. I have no qualms with recognizing that.
Miroslav,
As always I am amazed by your perspecuity! I worried about the walls thing, and reworded it a couple of times. Although I think you got the basics, I would not use the word superficial. I think we have to be something more than that with one another, but less than totally open.
And why would you avoid the use of prophet? I guess that it is a double word of inconvenience. One it connotes faith since it is a spiritual term. Two it connotes fiery confrontation, which is a definite no-no in our society. Actually I think that part of the problem with our society is our lack of anyone telling us that we are wrong. The solipsism our society indulges in is also apparent in our churches.
Lastly I was avoiding the cult definition though I agree totally with you, as I think of those who are still affected- to them it is probably an enormously hurtful message and probably drives them away from what you are trying to say.
Mr. D
Mr. D,
Yeah, I knew the word superficial was off.
re: avoiding prophet... I only did so because the word necessitates faith and since I'm sorely lacking in that department right now I did not want to further complicate matters by throwing that whole thing in to the mix. (which, by the way, is the reason reference to God is completely absent in my story about our church's collapse other than the occasional, "he felt from God this" type of statement.) When I was strong in my faith, I had no problem with the idea of a prophet though! I always loved a good confrontation. :D
I agree with you completely on the cult word and its possible affects to those that are still in the mix over there. But this is my blog and is not really a message to "them" (though I'm confident that soon enough "they" will read it). But even if I was speaking with one of them, I don't think my use of the word cult would have much affect on anybody (it wouldn't be the first time they heard it).
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