A written confession

Thought I'd share the first time I put to paper the severity of my doubts. This was my first written confession of questioning Christ. I wrote it after talking with my father about the subject for several hours and I felt like I just wanted to clarify where I was at in my heart.

Pops,
Here is where I’m at:

24Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."
26A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" 27Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my
side. Stop doubting and believe."
28Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"
29Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed;
blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

My 100%-sold-out faith has died. It really has. I sensed it was dying quite a while ago as I began having doubts and questions that I could not find answers for. I’m not trying to say I deny that Christ is God. I just don’t know. I don’t have the firm faith I once had. I feel like Oprah. Not out saving souls… or preaching the gospel … I can’t deny that when I cry out, I’m sure I will cry out to Jesus.

It is obvious to me that God exists just by the sheer marvel of our universe. But beyond that, I feel like I have far too many questions to pretend that I know what THE ANSWER is.

What “killed” (at least for now) the faith that I once held so firmly?

1) Personal pain / injustice : From childhood stuff to New Hope stuff to friendship issues…
2) Global pain / injustice : Hurricanes, starving kids in Africa, wife beaters and child molesters
3) Intellect that I cannot push aside. Admittedly limited and finite, I cannot resolve major dilemmas I have with the “meat” type issues of scripture. As my emotional issues grew (items #1
and #2), I spent more and more time researching and reading hoping to find answers. I only found more questions and discovered that even the great thinkers of Church history had issues that could not be resolved. Somehow, however, they were able to find peace without final resolution. And so I’ve waited… and still am without peace.

I read an interesting quote in the book, “Disappointed with God”. Unfortunately, I lost the book and can’t recall the quote exactly… but in essence said something like:
“Any world view, no matter how firmly held, will eventually change given enough examples where it is proved wrong.”

I’m not saying my life pains, or global pains, or my intellect PROVE that the God of the bible doesn’t exist, but all those things tallied together sure do prove that I don’t have the answers!

I’ve said over and over again for the past 2 weeks something that dawned on me while reading through Wild at Heart for the third time. “The story just doesn’t make any sense to me any more…”

God appeared to Job, Paul, and Doubting Thomas. His appearance did not change their personal pains or global injustices, and they were not given all of the intellectual answers. His presence alone satisfied what their faith was lacking. I think that is what I need.

For whatever reason, God makes himself mysterious to us people. He doesn’t talk audibly, or show himself physically, or allow us to pin him down with reason. I don’t know why. But at this point, after plenty of hours studying, many hours praying in worship, and crying buckets of tears from how GUILTY I feel for losing my faith… I don’t know that its my effort that is lacking. Maybe I’m supposed to be in this place of disbelief? (Calvanism) … maybe I’m lacking in faith and will be held accountable for “wasted” time? (free will American churches) … or maybe ???

If God desires to reveal himself to me in such a way that causes me to trust in him despite my unresolved issues… I would absolutely love it. I really would ‘cause not having faith sucks. Until then… I think I’m just stuck.