Sunday's Stirrings
Since childhood, time spent worshipping the Lord has been the most meaningful of all spiritual practices for me.
I grew up to the lullabies of my father's guitar playing, spent every Tuesday night at music practice with him at the church, and spent some time as a musician myself. I would spend time with my mom listening to artists of all types. I have always found a honest song of worship to be one of the most amazingly, encouraging, challenging, humbling, and fulfilling methods of communing with God ... The idea of being before the almighty God in praise, adoration, confession, ... and much more... It is quite a thing to behold.
And so each Sunday as I drag myself to church, I often times find myself thrown in a deep turmoil (what's new, huh?). On the one hand, as it stands currently... my reasoning, intellect, emotion, and body confirm in me that God is, at best, a maybe. On the other hand, there is this... Stirring ... that goes on inside of me.
The first couple of songs I can usually get through without much effect (positive or negative) to me. I'm sitting there deep in thought as the Sunday worship band passionately cries out to God and to the congregation. As the songs progress, however, they penetrate deep in to my heart, drawing out of me all of the issues that rage inside.
All at once, I want to stand up and raise my hand to God... crying out "SAVE ME GOD! for I am a woeful creature and need your salvation!" ... and at the same time, a force equally as strong, makes me want to stand up and shout, "What are we doing here? Why are we all pretending that having faith in Christ is to be "free" or "saved" or "healed," when after this service ends, its back to life as usual with usually nothing remaining from the sermon other than a feeling of guilt?.... Where the hell is this God that we cry out to?! ... and why are we pretending to KNOW so much about him when most of what we believe doesn't make any sense even to ourselves?!"
Good grief.
And so, I sit... perplexed.
Usually, I fold my hands over my face... huddled up thinking and praying (holding out hope upon hope that despite the insanity of it all that there is a loving God who hears my cry). Tears stream down my face. If I enter too far in to worship for the sake of the peace it affords me or the hope I place in it, I become a hypocrite to what is occurring in my heart. If I enter too far in to my criticism and do not bridle my thoughts, I become a judgmental jerk, passing judgment on everybody around me and the foolishness of their faith.
Could it be that the reason I find such peace and comfort in all this, that the inner lifting of my soul by what I've called before the Holy Spirit, could it be that I feel all of this because of the environment I was raised in (not JUST talking about beying a PK... but growing up in the good ol' USA)? Do I really feel all that different than the Native Americans did as they danced around the fire worshiping their gods? Or much different than the steadily growing number of the followers of Islam?
Or could it be that all of what I just wrote was hogwash? That Satan is alive and his minions pull at me and plot against me to tear me from THE TRUTH: The One True Father God who mysteriously, even impossibly, created me with both the free will to sin unto death while also predestined to a unique and loving personal salvation while unbelievers, the un-chosen, are cast in to Hell?
I don't know. Still.
And I'm not doing a good job with that whole "TOO SERIOUS" thing. bah.
I grew up to the lullabies of my father's guitar playing, spent every Tuesday night at music practice with him at the church, and spent some time as a musician myself. I would spend time with my mom listening to artists of all types. I have always found a honest song of worship to be one of the most amazingly, encouraging, challenging, humbling, and fulfilling methods of communing with God ... The idea of being before the almighty God in praise, adoration, confession, ... and much more... It is quite a thing to behold.
And so each Sunday as I drag myself to church, I often times find myself thrown in a deep turmoil (what's new, huh?). On the one hand, as it stands currently... my reasoning, intellect, emotion, and body confirm in me that God is, at best, a maybe. On the other hand, there is this... Stirring ... that goes on inside of me.
The first couple of songs I can usually get through without much effect (positive or negative) to me. I'm sitting there deep in thought as the Sunday worship band passionately cries out to God and to the congregation. As the songs progress, however, they penetrate deep in to my heart, drawing out of me all of the issues that rage inside.
All at once, I want to stand up and raise my hand to God... crying out "SAVE ME GOD! for I am a woeful creature and need your salvation!" ... and at the same time, a force equally as strong, makes me want to stand up and shout, "What are we doing here? Why are we all pretending that having faith in Christ is to be "free" or "saved" or "healed," when after this service ends, its back to life as usual with usually nothing remaining from the sermon other than a feeling of guilt?.... Where the hell is this God that we cry out to?! ... and why are we pretending to KNOW so much about him when most of what we believe doesn't make any sense even to ourselves?!"
Good grief.
And so, I sit... perplexed.
Usually, I fold my hands over my face... huddled up thinking and praying (holding out hope upon hope that despite the insanity of it all that there is a loving God who hears my cry). Tears stream down my face. If I enter too far in to worship for the sake of the peace it affords me or the hope I place in it, I become a hypocrite to what is occurring in my heart. If I enter too far in to my criticism and do not bridle my thoughts, I become a judgmental jerk, passing judgment on everybody around me and the foolishness of their faith.
Could it be that the reason I find such peace and comfort in all this, that the inner lifting of my soul by what I've called before the Holy Spirit, could it be that I feel all of this because of the environment I was raised in (not JUST talking about beying a PK... but growing up in the good ol' USA)? Do I really feel all that different than the Native Americans did as they danced around the fire worshiping their gods? Or much different than the steadily growing number of the followers of Islam?
Or could it be that all of what I just wrote was hogwash? That Satan is alive and his minions pull at me and plot against me to tear me from THE TRUTH: The One True Father God who mysteriously, even impossibly, created me with both the free will to sin unto death while also predestined to a unique and loving personal salvation while unbelievers, the un-chosen, are cast in to Hell?
I don't know. Still.
And I'm not doing a good job with that whole "TOO SERIOUS" thing. bah.
posted by Miroslav at 11:15 PM
5 Comments:
You sound ready to delve into the concept of "free will" and examine whether man's will is truly free, or if we have impressed an Western philosphy into where the Bible speaks of "choices".
One of the truths of the Gospel that I cannot comprehend is Our Father's desire to send His Son, then to witness His crucifixion, and then to watch His Son absorb the combined wrath and punishment of the sins of a people that are born with the inclination to exalt self and hate God. If I was God and I saw a race of beings kill my son, I would exterminate their entire race. We have no compassion on ants when we exterminate them - how much less we should be in God's eyes than ants. Yet, He considers us small and fragile creatures worthy of bringing Him glory and fame.
And, yes. Satan and his minions are at work. He never comes out and shouts commands, only whispers questions like, "God?"
I have examined the concept of Free Will and of God's Sovereignty.
One of my all time favorite quotes on the subject. I envy Charles Sturgeon's statement here... that he acknowledged the fact that there would never be reconciliation of the two concepts here on Earth, and yet found peace with his faith:
"The system of truth revealed in the Scriptures is not simply one straight line, but two; and no man will ever get a right view of the gospel until he knows how to look at the two lines at once. For instance, I read in one Book of the Bible, "The Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely." Yet I am taught, in another part of the same inspired Word, that "it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy." I see, in one place, God in providence presiding over all, and yet I see, and I cannot help seeing, that man acts as he pleases, and that God has left his actions, in a great measure, to his own free-will. Now, if I were to declare that man was so free to act that there was no control of God over his actions, I should be driven very near to atheism; and if, on the other hand, I should declare that God so over-rules all things that man is not free enough to be responsible, I should be driven at once into Antinomianism or fatalism. That God predestines, and yet that man is responsible, are two facts that few can see clearly. They are believed to be inconsistent and contradictory to each other. If, then, I find taught in one part of the Bible that everything is fore-ordained, that is true; and if I find, in another Scripture, that man is responsible for all his actions, that is true; and it is only my folly that leads me to imagine that these two truths can ever contradict each other. I do not believe they can ever be welded into one upon any earthly anvil, but they certainly shall be one in eternity. They are two lines that are so nearly parallel, that the human mind which pursues them farthest will never discover that they converge, but they do converge, and they will meet somewhere in eternity, close to the throne of God, whence all truth doth spring."
How I wish I was able to find rest in that statement.
Miroslav
It is puzzling. How can God not be ultimately responsible for evil if He's soveriegn? I don't know.
Considering your comments about your struggle to worship God on Sundays and then returning to "life as usual" with nothing remaining from Sunday except guilt, I think of Jesus' comments to the Samaritan woman, "They that worship God, must worship Him in spirit and in truth". Worship for me is more than stirring emotions through music shared at church. It's my responses to my heavenly Father who calls me His child. I worship God when I'm driving the car and view an indescribable sunset, when I hold my grandchild and embrace his love, when I face both the joys and sorrows of my job, when nothing makes sense and I open my Bible and God wraps me with comfort that no human can give.
In other words, worship for me is a relationship, interactions with my God who's proven His character over and over again. Though some would say the Bible's full of contradictions...I prefer to call them paradoxes. I accept that my God is who He claims to be...sovereign, holy, just, powerful, loving, etc.. However, when the atrocities of life seem to contradict the God I know and love, I believe that either one day we'll understand why or when we see Him face-to-face our questions won't matter.
Hebrews tells us "Without faith it is impossible to please God. For he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."
My prayer is that you will move past just seeking the answers to truly seeking Him...He will be faithful to His word!
Curly,
Thank you for your thoughts and your prayers for me.
I agree whole heartedly with your definition of worship and with the message of Hebrews that you shared. Spot on stuff there.
You wrote:
"However, when the atrocities of life seem to contradict the God I know and love, I believe that either one day we'll understand why or when we see Him face-to-face our questions won't matter." (emphasis mine)
This belief that you hold (one that is to be respected) is a product of your faith, and that is what is missing in my heart. This whole thing is a matter of faith, which the Bible says in Ephesians is a GIFT from God.
How odd it is how much burden we place on ourselves to ATTAIN this thing called faith, when we are told clearly it is something GIVEN to us! (which AGAIN goes back to the paradox of free will and God's sovereignty)
To the extent that I can judge my own heart, I can tell you that your prayer has been answered. Though for a time I sought ANSWERS to my intellectual dilemmas, I have come to the conclusion a while back that trying to fit God in to my pea brain ain't gonna' work too well. Instead, am endeavoring to pursue Truth while being honest with my doubts and questions all the while clinging to hope that God will soon reveal himself to me in a way that revitalizes my faith in Him.
Until then, I am finding myself to be fairly content with the admission that "I don't know."
Love to you,
Miroslav
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