Chapter 5 - Lies & Marriage
No need to double-check. There are no earlier posted chapters. I'm STARTING with Chapter 5 because who I am today is really a product of so much... I can't pretend that my twentieth birthday is really Chapter 1. But that's where I've decided to start.
Read on if you dare...
So, there I was: 20yrs old with one year of marriage under my belt. (Married June 21st 1997) And already, we were off to a rocky start. Andy why? Well, if I'm being honest, it was because of a long standing, hidden addiction to pornography that I was unwilling to let go of, and was even more scared of admitting to. I knew a LOT of people, had grown up with them, had prayed with them, read the Bible with them... but nobody was privy to my ongoing habit of looking at porn. And, my marriage suffered because of that hidden part of my life.
Although I wanted to share my failures, I was too scared. Scared of the judgements of others... scared of the labels. Scared of hurting my wife, or letting down my family. After all, I am a PK (Pastor's Kid). And I had always been the good kid... not the black sheep type... quite the opposite really. Looking back, I realize that I had not extended my faith to this part of my life. I kind of cut it off in some way, keeping it seperate from what I believe in my heart and spoke as Truth. In one minute I would say with complete sincerity that I believe God parted the Red Sea, and the next moment I would look at porn and hide it from others... unwilling to trust that part of my life to him. Pretty odd, really.
Anyhow (now seeing that this blog could get really long if I go in to EVERYTHING), my wife and I had our fair share of fights and such and so we joined a marriage class being offered at our church. The marriage class, called the "Agonia", was written and taught by our head pastor, a man that my father shared pastoral duties with and had helped to start this mid-sized non-denominational church. So, we joined... my wife hoping to work out some kinks in our relationship, me hoping to get the courage to confess my "dark side." Sadly, I never did find the courage to confess my failures during our nearly two years of this intense marriage class. (And when I say intense... I mean it! Past students often refer to it as a marriage Boot Class!)
It wasn't until November of 2001 that I attended a Men's Retreat that my father-in-law was leading. I was joined by a friend of mine who I had just begun exploring a friendship with. My father-in-law had recently reunited with my mother-in-law after a period of seperation after years of a very difficult marriage. The subject for the trip? : "PEOPLE CAN CHANGE." My father-in-law shared with the group a conversation he had recently had with an old friend of his . The old friend had stated something to the effect that people don't really change all that much. My father-in-law, citing his own life as example of a major change in life direction, pulled story after story out from the Bible of examples that pointed toward redemption and genuine change. It was a moving retreat, one full of hope of renewal and change. On the last night of the trip, he walked the group through some verses, had a time of worship and encouraged the group to return to our cabins with our co-retreaters and spend some time in prayer and sharing. 'Twas at that meeting that I was so moved to confess to my friend, my father-in-law, and God what I had hidden for so long. And I returned to confess to my poor wife who was at once destroyed by the confession. And though I was scared for such a long time at the response and reprocussions of such a confession... I ultimately learned that I had been missing out on a deep, deep level of love and trust in my marriage and other relationships because of my unwillingness to be honest. At the time, I was sure that my confession had been prodded along when I was moved by a supernatural force. "The Holy Spirit moved on my heart!," I would say. "God strengthened me."
Looking back now, I'm not too sure. For as it turns out... my father-in-law never was quite able to find the ability or power or will or strength to change some parts of him that are pretty darn critical to a successful marriage and walking in harmony with what the Bible teaches. And though not completely his doing, we can now see that his marriage has disolved, and the struggles that he has carried as a child... he still carries to this day. This is not a knock on him. But rather, a personal example of the difficulty that the Christian paradigm presents. For either he has failed in some way (that is to say his state of un-changedness or "sin" is his fault, his doing somehow) OR it is by God's choice. Or, maybe we just really don't understand god too well at all. Or maybe there isn't one.
And what of me? And my experience at the retreat? Was it a supernatural move of God? I don't know. Looking back, I wonder if it wasn't much more than a psychological and emotional reaction to the catastrophe of 9/11 coupled with a faith in the God of the Bible. For on 9/11, all Americans were forced to evaluate what they love... what drives them. Who did you call on 9/11 as you watched the planes crashed. Who did you think of? Which of us didn't say on the days following the attacks... "Thats it! From this point on, I'm going to do a lot more of THIS" or "I'm finally going to stop doing THAT" or "I'm going to work less and spend more time with the family"? Isn't it fairly reasonable to imagine that with my years of belief in Christ and the God of the Bible, after the years of guilt, and out of my love for my wife and desire to live an honest life coupled with an environment condusive to confession... that I just confessed and started out on a new path? Could it be that there was actually no supernatural powers involved at all? Of course, to follow my thought process here, you have to first grasp that faith is something entirely different than truth or substance. Faith in and of itself is only that... And at this time, my faith was solid and real.
All this is to say that at the time, and for several years following the confession, I had pointed to my experience at the retreat as an example of God's mercy and forgiveness and salvation extended to me. Now, I don't know that it is true. (scary saying this type of stuff, even more scary WRITING it!) (* looks up to make sure lightning is not en route *) I just don't know...
A great example that has come up in a couple of recent conversations is this analogy (I'm sure I read this somewhere at some point, but I have no idea where):
C.S. Lewis wrote on a similair subject (far more eliquently), in a discussion comparing a scientific approach vs. a faith based approach to a ray of light shining in through a window in a dark cabin. The scientis will see all the dust particles, rays of light, and other parts that make up the ray of light and leave it at that. The faith based approach, while not ignoring these same facts, will not presume that the knowledge of the parts does anything to take away from the Creator of it all. Their faith leaves room for facts and science, it is not shaken by scientific information.
Anyhow, we will call that the end to Chapter 5, though I could type for another 5 pages I'm sure trying to tackle some of the subjects here.
Read on if you dare...
So, there I was: 20yrs old with one year of marriage under my belt. (Married June 21st 1997) And already, we were off to a rocky start. Andy why? Well, if I'm being honest, it was because of a long standing, hidden addiction to pornography that I was unwilling to let go of, and was even more scared of admitting to. I knew a LOT of people, had grown up with them, had prayed with them, read the Bible with them... but nobody was privy to my ongoing habit of looking at porn. And, my marriage suffered because of that hidden part of my life.Although I wanted to share my failures, I was too scared. Scared of the judgements of others... scared of the labels. Scared of hurting my wife, or letting down my family. After all, I am a PK (Pastor's Kid). And I had always been the good kid... not the black sheep type... quite the opposite really. Looking back, I realize that I had not extended my faith to this part of my life. I kind of cut it off in some way, keeping it seperate from what I believe in my heart and spoke as Truth. In one minute I would say with complete sincerity that I believe God parted the Red Sea, and the next moment I would look at porn and hide it from others... unwilling to trust that part of my life to him. Pretty odd, really.
Anyhow (now seeing that this blog could get really long if I go in to EVERYTHING), my wife and I had our fair share of fights and such and so we joined a marriage class being offered at our church. The marriage class, called the "Agonia", was written and taught by our head pastor, a man that my father shared pastoral duties with and had helped to start this mid-sized non-denominational church. So, we joined... my wife hoping to work out some kinks in our relationship, me hoping to get the courage to confess my "dark side." Sadly, I never did find the courage to confess my failures during our nearly two years of this intense marriage class. (And when I say intense... I mean it! Past students often refer to it as a marriage Boot Class!)
It wasn't until November of 2001 that I attended a Men's Retreat that my father-in-law was leading. I was joined by a friend of mine who I had just begun exploring a friendship with. My father-in-law had recently reunited with my mother-in-law after a period of seperation after years of a very difficult marriage. The subject for the trip? : "PEOPLE CAN CHANGE." My father-in-law shared with the group a conversation he had recently had with an old friend of his . The old friend had stated something to the effect that people don't really change all that much. My father-in-law, citing his own life as example of a major change in life direction, pulled story after story out from the Bible of examples that pointed toward redemption and genuine change. It was a moving retreat, one full of hope of renewal and change. On the last night of the trip, he walked the group through some verses, had a time of worship and encouraged the group to return to our cabins with our co-retreaters and spend some time in prayer and sharing. 'Twas at that meeting that I was so moved to confess to my friend, my father-in-law, and God what I had hidden for so long. And I returned to confess to my poor wife who was at once destroyed by the confession. And though I was scared for such a long time at the response and reprocussions of such a confession... I ultimately learned that I had been missing out on a deep, deep level of love and trust in my marriage and other relationships because of my unwillingness to be honest. At the time, I was sure that my confession had been prodded along when I was moved by a supernatural force. "The Holy Spirit moved on my heart!," I would say. "God strengthened me."
Looking back now, I'm not too sure. For as it turns out... my father-in-law never was quite able to find the ability or power or will or strength to change some parts of him that are pretty darn critical to a successful marriage and walking in harmony with what the Bible teaches. And though not completely his doing, we can now see that his marriage has disolved, and the struggles that he has carried as a child... he still carries to this day. This is not a knock on him. But rather, a personal example of the difficulty that the Christian paradigm presents. For either he has failed in some way (that is to say his state of un-changedness or "sin" is his fault, his doing somehow) OR it is by God's choice. Or, maybe we just really don't understand god too well at all. Or maybe there isn't one.
And what of me? And my experience at the retreat? Was it a supernatural move of God? I don't know. Looking back, I wonder if it wasn't much more than a psychological and emotional reaction to the catastrophe of 9/11 coupled with a faith in the God of the Bible. For on 9/11, all Americans were forced to evaluate what they love... what drives them. Who did you call on 9/11 as you watched the planes crashed. Who did you think of? Which of us didn't say on the days following the attacks... "Thats it! From this point on, I'm going to do a lot more of THIS" or "I'm finally going to stop doing THAT" or "I'm going to work less and spend more time with the family"? Isn't it fairly reasonable to imagine that with my years of belief in Christ and the God of the Bible, after the years of guilt, and out of my love for my wife and desire to live an honest life coupled with an environment condusive to confession... that I just confessed and started out on a new path? Could it be that there was actually no supernatural powers involved at all? Of course, to follow my thought process here, you have to first grasp that faith is something entirely different than truth or substance. Faith in and of itself is only that... And at this time, my faith was solid and real.
All this is to say that at the time, and for several years following the confession, I had pointed to my experience at the retreat as an example of God's mercy and forgiveness and salvation extended to me. Now, I don't know that it is true. (scary saying this type of stuff, even more scary WRITING it!) (* looks up to make sure lightning is not en route *) I just don't know...
A great example that has come up in a couple of recent conversations is this analogy (I'm sure I read this somewhere at some point, but I have no idea where):
A skeptic finds himself caught up in a house on fire. Near the end of his life due to age anyhow, he poses a challenge to God, "God, if you are really there, save me from this fire." Not long after, his wife comes running in pleading with him to leave. Silently, the skeptic remains sitting. Next, a neighbor runs in yelling and screaming... warning of impending doom. Again, the skeptic does not move a muscle. This is his time to figure it all out. Finally, as the fire begins to engulf the house completely, a fireman kicks open the back door, runs upstairs, grabs the skeptic and carries him outside. The skeptic shakes his head slowly... acknowledging to himself the truth he has finally proven.Now, Christians and agnostics/athiests alike will read this story and agree that the conclusion is obvious. However, both will offer a completely different final analysis of the situation. The Christian will offer that God saved the man by using a created vessle, other people. The agnostic/athiest will, having been equally convinced by the story, point to it as evidence that no god exists; for it took the man's wife to plead with him, a neighbor to yell at him, and finally a fireman to rescue him... and where was god in all this? (And I would add... "What about the three other people that ended up dying in the fire?")
C.S. Lewis wrote on a similair subject (far more eliquently), in a discussion comparing a scientific approach vs. a faith based approach to a ray of light shining in through a window in a dark cabin. The scientis will see all the dust particles, rays of light, and other parts that make up the ray of light and leave it at that. The faith based approach, while not ignoring these same facts, will not presume that the knowledge of the parts does anything to take away from the Creator of it all. Their faith leaves room for facts and science, it is not shaken by scientific information.
Anyhow, we will call that the end to Chapter 5, though I could type for another 5 pages I'm sure trying to tackle some of the subjects here.
posted by Miroslav at 7:14 PM
6 Comments:
I can see why you might be caused to doubt because of the failures of Christians who do not seem to change. I see that my own failure to truly overcome pornography but dive into it again and again has probably contributed to it. For that, I am sorry. I see now clearly that my refusal to renounce sin but repeatly embrace it has not slandered my name but the name of Christ.
I am sorry that my sin has contributed to your doubt.
My good friend,
PLEASE do not take upon yourself the responsibility of the state that I find myself in currently. You have been a faithful friend, honest, and true in every way. You have taught me much about the goodness of Christ and the Scriptures and I sincerely enjoy every one of our conversations together. You are a good man and I love the soft heart and openess that you bring to our friendship.
Please do not feel that your name has been slandered, at least in my book. And I will even be so bold as to say that if we are to judge Christ's name by the "changedness" of his followers... His name is pretty much already MUD, entirely and completely apart from anything you might bring to the table. Plenty of Christians have pretty much taken care of that well ahead of our time and continue to do horrid things even now. (Though judging the church is surely not a reasonable measuring stick to use if He truly IS the Almighty God.)
Much love to you and your family. My wife and I both really enjoyed hangin' with you guys.
Miroslav
C.S. Lewis of course came to faith from the opposite side. That is while you were reared in a church that perhaps emphasized feeling, and while a child you perhaps learned to feel and sense the presence of Christ.
Lewis,on the other hand,had a remote history (though he did indeed have a great grandfather who had been a reverend)from Christianity. He did struggle with girls and sexual behavior that was wild. But his history was remote in the sense that he was very well educated, and had not the feeling.
So he approached God from a knowledge basis, but in the end decided that he had to trust.
Do you see what I mean when I am saying that is sort of the opposite spectrum from you? I think you are questioning and gaining your world views now, rather than at first.
Would you agree with that?
Pat
Mr. D,
Thank you for your input! TRULY appreciated!
Yes, I agree that I was given the tools to be able to trust God emotionally and spiritually early on in life. But I don't know that my knowledge suffered as a result. Not sure if that is an implication from your comment.
I gained strong world views through my emotional and spiritual trust in Christ which propelled me to gain more knowledge of the Scriptures and Christian theology to support, challenge, and change said views. So yeah, it appears that our journey (mine vs that of C.S. Lewis) is very much the opposite.
Unfortunately, though my heart still desires to trust God and I've pursed education of the Bible and understanding of God's ways, I'm now left with a faith that could only be called "shaky" on a good day. I've gone my whole life questioning my faith and accepting the answers that Christ (and the Bible) give. Now, I don't have faith in those answers.
I agree that I am now questioning my world views and beliefs IN THEIR ENTIRETY for the first time in my adult life. Before my questions where always asked with an underlying faith in Christ and the Bible supporting my search for Truth. So this is a whole new ballgame for me now.
More thoughts from you on this path please!
Miroslav
You're so dear to my heart friend, and your family is absolutely the beauty of Gods enduring love to me. I've been speachless for weeks regarding some written things, and my heart has wept for you, and my spirit has turned.I finally feel the strength to read all that's written, and may Elohim impart the grace and wisdom to my weak heart to say all I desire to say, to love you the best I know how, with truth, and with grace that I need to learn so much more of, without discouraging you from the unconditional love that is found only in Christ Jesus.
SWF,
Thanks for taking the step to start participating in this crazy blog of mine!
I appreciate your encouraging words. You just put a ton of posts up all at once, so I don't know that I'll respond to each and every one THIS TIME, ... but know that in the future I will, k?
Much luv.
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