Sunday, November 06, 2005

Tortured Vagabond

Late one night... (Friday, September 23rd, 2005 to be precise)... I found myself feeling quite alone and desperate. I grabbed a pen and this came out.

Tortured Vagabond

There is no doubt that the seasons have run their course. Many times over again, I’m sure.
I look around and hardly recognize a thing, though I am not far from where I have always been.
All in sight has changed… but only as a tree changes its leaves in the fall.
At the core, it is at is ever has been and ever will be.
More than anything, it is my vision that is no longer the same.

How many seasons have passed? How many years have gone by? I can’t remember now.
It seems like yesterday. And like ages ago. Just as each day seems to last an eternity but the weeks vanish in the blink of an eye.

I am in a dark place. Alone and lost. Cynical and hard hearted. But it was not always this way.

There was a time when I was on a path. Or what appeared to be one at the time. I had a map and a direction to be headed in. The northern star lead my every step.
Not only was my destination defined, but it always felt nearby. Not farther away than another day’s journey.
I was not alone. My childhood friends and a family surrounded me. I counted my traveling companions faithful and true.

And here I am now. Alone, wet, sore, aching. Covered in dirt.

Some days, too tired to face my brokenness, I wipe off the day’s dirt and grime and do my best to remember what its like to have someplace to be headed.
I’m able to fool most people, maybe even myself for a moment… for I had a place to be going for such a long time that it is not hard to act like I’m still headed there now.
Other days I revel in my vagabond state. I wear my traveling bag for all to see, daring them to question me.
“Who are you to question me? On what basis do you judge my wanderings?”

Don’t they know that I was one of them, only an eternity ago?

In the loud chaos that is my mind and heart, I am jealous that the others know so surely where they are going. For I was once as they are now: assured and confident.
I knew my path… even helped others to find theirs.
Where did my assurance go? How was it lost?

I would retrace my every step since the beginning to find that which is gone.
For though, in the eyes of others, it may still shine as bright as ever before, the northern star has faded into the darkness of night in my eyes…

Alone I search, and cry,
and ache, and die inside.

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