For who I am...
Rough day today. This came pouring out. (11-15-2005)
For who I am…
Told from birth that I deserve death,
It is no wonder that I feel this way.
“It is by grace you have been saved!”
What is it that so threatens me that I need salvation?
“You have fallen short,” friend.
“Deny yourself! Deny, deny, deny.”
For so long I’ve tried to kill myself:
“More of Him, less of me.” And now I wonder why.
Am I so fearsome a beast that I need to be put to death?
Am I so purely a failed creation?
I long for a love that could love me entirely and completely,
A love that would not need to forgive me for being that which I am.
Does such a thing exist?
My heart sinks. I am alone.
A haunting self hatred, so deeply imbedded…
Noise that cannot be quieted…
Whispers of a faith dissolved.
“You are not good enough alone. You need to be forgiven.”
Does anyone care to know me for who I am?
…
And then?
…
Would they, could they, love what they would find?
posted by Miroslav at 10:25 PM
12 Comments:
It’s funny that you ask…
Does anyone care to know me for who I am?
…
And then?
…
Would they, could they, love what they would find?
From reading your other posts I can see that you have done a lot of introspection and you really don’t like what you see. Inside you feel ugly and you struggle. On the outside you are pretty well kept and you do a fairly good job at maintaining the image that you want to portray.
But inside …. Not only do you know you for all it’s imperfections, but you seem to enjoy nursing the idea that you are ‘sinful’.
I’m sorry – you’re wrong. (not about being sinful – about NURSING the attitude that poor me is sinful). Maybe what you are saying is the best example of what is wrong with religion today.
I hope I can explain…
I’m not saying that you are mistaken in your feelings. Absolutely not. You seem like you are extremely honest with yourself about what you see. That is a whole lot more then most people can deal with. It is a good starting position.
You are just looking in the wrong direction.
You see…
There is a God out there. One who is awesome and terrible. One who made the universe. One who made a tree to collect nourishment through its roots and breathe through its leaves. One who made bugs and spiders, floods and earthquakes. One who is beyond your understanding. One who basically could squash you like a bug if He choose.
Not only beyond your understanding – beyond the scope of the whole world’s understanding.
He is the god who created evil for the “day of evil” and wanted man to become like him by having to choose and choosing good over evil. He is the God who knew that man is too weak by themselves NOT TO CHOOSE EVIL and yet thought that FREE CHOICE and wonder behind that awesome freedom was worth the failures.
This God put on a man suit. He was equal to God and yet called his son because he was a new creature – God/Man. This God/man was called Jesus to those of us who know him.
Jesus knew that we needed help choosing good over evil and he willingly stepped in to provide a way that humans in all their frailty could approach this awesome God. Grace was personified.
The book of Romans tells us that while we were yet sinners Christ died for the ungodly.
Think on that for a little while….
So in answer to your question:
There is someone who knows you. He made you. He knows the inherent ugliness of your heart. He loves you so much that He died so that you could have an escape from yourself. But you have to give Him the opportunity. You have to look on him, not on your self or what He could do for you. Look to Him.
Anonymous,
First off... thank you for your input!
I think I hear what you are saying pretty well. I understand your position because I've defended the same for my whole life.
There may be a bit of a misunderstanding here. I think the message that I was trying to get across in my poetic writing was not that I am a bad person not worthy of love... but rather that I am now questioning wether or not I really DO need a savior to begin with. I am questioning the concept of falling short all together and am deeply desirous of a love that embraces me completely as I am. (though that may be entirely impossible... it is, afterall, just a poem, not an argument).
You are correct in identifying that I "feel ugly" at what I see inside of myself. The key word to me now is FEEL. What I used to focus on is how to be forgiven for the things I believed to be sinful in me... things that I thought needed to be killed. How did I arrive at that conclusion? I was told that those parts of me were bad... by the Bible, the church, and loved ones. Now I'm asking, "Am I really that bad? Why am I told that I'm such a horrid creature? Who is it that has determined me to be in such a desperate state that I need to be SAVED?"
You mention that it appears I'm "nursing the idea" that I'm sinful... but quite the contrary. What I'm saying (god help me), is that I am denying the the notion of sin itself! My self-hate is not so much a product of the fact that I don't like what I see... but rather a product of the "whispers of a faith dissolved." I actually think I could learn to like myself quite a bit if it weren't for the fact that virtually every person I know and love clings to the Christian teachings that I am a sinner deserving of death.
And so... I think maybe there is some misunderstaning in my position.
I am fully aware that Christ came for the sinners. That part of his message is very clear. The God of the Bible says he knows us fully (for he created us and knows our hearts) and that we have all fallen short of his glory and are therefore in need of salvation... a bridge for the great divide between his perfection and our imperfection that only His death could provide for.
You wrote:
"There is someone who knows you. He made you. He knows the inherent ugliness of your heart. He loves you so much that He died so that you could have an escape from yourself."
You summarize very well Christ's message. But you see... thats the whole point of my poem. I am sick of being told that my heart is inherently ugly. I tire of hearing that I need an escape from myself. I actually yearn to have the freedom to LIKE who I am. ALL OF ME. It is the self-hating teaching of the Bible that causes me angst. I've come to the realization that all my life, every action, every decision, has been couched in the ideology that all decisions made "in the flesh" are sinful and selfish... and only those things done "according to His will" are good and honorable.
It is precisely for the reasons you outlined that I feel the way I do today. It is the reason I am so desperate for a love that loves me AS I AM... a love that does not command me to kill myself, to deny myself, or become a new man.
I'm left with the same burning question: What about this man as I stand today? Is he lovable as he is?
Christ's answer is "No." He says I need to be RE-BORN. I must strive to kill my self to conform to the image of Him. I must decrease...
With that all said, I must mention that I agree with you on the concept of God. If He exists, he certainly has no obligation to fit in to my scope of reasoning or even my definitions of righteousness. It may be that we ARE all sinners in desperate need of the Christ. And if that is the case, please find help me find that truth again God!
But in the end ... it all comes down to faith... to belief. Do you believe the message of Christ? Do you place your trust in Him?
With my knowledge of Scripture, I cannot bring myself to believe that this Christian faith/belief process is as simple as raising one's hand or "choosing" Christ. And so, the good news is that I might be just where God wants me. And maybe, it is ENTIRELY up to Him. (Of course, the whole topic of what causes one to believe is one much too deep to tackle here.)
hmmm, thats a lot that I just wrote.
... ok... ping pong... back to you Anonymous.
Miroslav
ps.
thrilled to have the first dialogue started on my blog! THANK YOU! ; )
Oops... forgot to comment on something that I wanted to:
You wrote:
"He is the God who knew that man is too weak by themselves ... and yet thought that freedom was worth the failures."
That is a powerful statement which, if followed one or two steps farther down the line of reasoning, will explain away life's horrible tragedies (and even the commonplace death of an unbeliever) as a decision made by God that is colder in calculation than the United States deciding to drop the bomb on Hiroshima. Actually, God's plan, as you outline it, is quite crueler... for in it, God is willing to see the tortured eternal death of many, that few would live.
That is great news for the few, I suppose.
Let me also note here that your perspective is not out of line with what the Bible has to say on the topic according to many Reformed Thinkers. I am not disputing your Biblical stance here at all so much as I am disputing the message of the Bible.
Read something online today that struck true, particularly when faced with this type of information: (Supposedly a paraphrased statement by Josh McDowell, but I have no verification of that)
"My heart cannot worship what my mind cannot accept."
Miroslav
Hey Miroslav, thanks for the comments on my blog. I like your blog so far, and will be watching it.
Time for more of you, less of him. It's a hard thing to switch, but actually allows you to get to know yourself for once, instead of trying to figure out what he wants you to do/say/feel/think. It doesn't mean that you can't ever go back, either. If you're going to go back to it, you'll have to want to and feel comfortable with it both emotionally and intellectually, and you'll never know that if you don't step back and get to know yourself.
Miroslav,
When I answered your blog the other day I hadn’t read all your postings. I had misjudged your outlook from the few that I’d read. I’m sorry.
However, my point is still that you are looking in the wrong direction. Heather ann seemed to get it.
The point is:
It doesn’t matter that you are the coolest kid on the block. It doesn’t matter if you are the worst.
All your good works, your bad thoughts, your riches, your friends are
TOTALLY insignificant.
You see the very existence that we call earth has one purpose. That purpose is that the living God wanted to procreate. He wanted to have god children. Children that were like him in so many ways – but in other ways different than he is.
I’ve still haven’t read all your blogs – but it seems like you are a parent and maybe you can understand the feeling that drove God to such measures to grow a child.
God created an environment and a mechanism to reproduce……
I’m going to detour into a little biology here:
The life of a human egg is less than four days. I don’t know if an egg realizes that its life is only four days because that is all it knows. It may be the most wonderful egg in all of creation. The other eggs around may be jealous of its beauty and riches. But its life is still less than four days.
On occasion an egg acts differently than the rest. It opens itself up to a part of the Father. It becomes fertilized. At this point the egg is no longer an egg. It is a new creature. Its lifespan is no longer four days. If it thought about it – it may long to be back at the place where it was an egg, but I don’t think so. I think that it is too busy working to become a child.
God created an environment and a mechanism to reproduce….
He created a world to live in and he created potential god children (eggs). Most of us live our puny lives during our few years on earth and don’t know any better. We may THINK that we are wonderful. We may FEEL ugly. But when taken into context we are totally insignificant to the stated goal of God…..
That is to reproduce children of God.
Until…..
We open our lives to Him. We turn our thoughts and steps toward him. At that point a new creature is made. One that is no longer concerned with his old eggness, but has a new goal – that of becoming like his parent – or godlike.
ONLY a new creature whose heart , mind and soul are directed towards GOD, the father can understand that pull – not to be come less like the old self – but to become more and more like the Father. You can only become a new creature by accepting Christ as the Savior and Lord of your life.
Period.
(but not the end of the story – its just a beginning….)
Heather Ann - thanks for visiting and watching my journey from afar! : ) Did you see that your quote is "featured" on my blog at the bottom there?
Anonymous -
a) I think you missed completely the point Heather Ann was making.
b) This "god-children" talk sounds like Mormon theology to me. Yes?
Miroslav
You said, "I am sick of being told that my heart is inherently ugly. I tire of hearing that I need an escape from myself. I actually yearn to have the freedom to LIKE who I am. ALL OF ME. It is the self-hating teaching of the Bible that causes me angst. I've come to the realization that all my life, every action, every decision, has been couched in the ideology that all decisions made "in the flesh" are sinful and selfish... and only those things done "according to His will" are good and honorable."
Now, please explain what is the "all" of you that you want loved? Are you referring to mere personality or perhaps something that might be considered by the Bible to be a sinful lifestyle?
You are not a fool. You are not a heathen who never opened a Bible in their life. You are the son of a pastor who shared with you the Scriptures from youth.
What I'm getting at is this: Did Christ die for you based on your righteousness? Did He not die to absorb the just wrath of the Father in your place, based solely on His uncondition election from before the creation of the world, before you were born, in order that you might be eventually (but through God's power, surely) transformed into the likeness, righteousness, holiness and character of the Son of God.
Stop this pity party, and stop going to whatever church keeps focusing on it. Get your damned eyes off yourself and your supposed self-righteousness and remember the Lord who loves you entirely and completely, knowing full well that you would rebel and rebel again.
First off, remember that this particular post was a POEM revealing cries from my heart in a moment in time.
Secondly, because of that, I have no real obligation or desire to defend any emotions or desires that I've expressed. You may think it foolish to be so completely open with my thoughts, but I personally prefer honest foolishness than hidden hypocrisy.
With those two things stated, I will reply to you for the sake of clarification, though (repeating myself here) not for sake of defense.
If you re-read my original poem and the subsequent reply comments, you will notice that I intentionally keep from putting up any particular ARGUMENT against God. My responses were to help "anonymous" more clearly understand what my poem was trying to express.
To answer your question, when I wrote this poem, I was deeply wishing to be loved ENTIRELY. Pro's & Con's, Personality & Imperfections. That includes my sometimes selfish, overly ambitious, often addictive, and sensuous side too! (All of which are clearly identified as sinful in the Bible.) Also posted earlier is the admission on my par that this may be a logically impossible desire. But it exists nonetheless.
I am glad that you do not think me a fool (at least for now).
Not sure what pity party you are referring to. My lack of faith or this poem? You don't have to read any future poem entries if they rub you the wrong way. And according to your theology, my faith is not a choice of my own anyhow so... not sure what to do there.
And I can assure you that this has NOTHING to do with the church I'm a part of currently.
You wrote:
"Get your damned eyes off yourself and your supposed self-righteousness and remember the Lord who loves you entirely and completely, knowing full well that you would rebel and rebel again."
Tryin' to,
Miroslav
Woo-hoo! Now we’re cookin’ with the commentary! Good stuff in here, almost too much to find time to read.
Hey, all spiritual aspects aside, want some intellectual reasons as to why you SHOULD believe YOU are evil enough to need salvation? We are reading one of the very books on your reading list (fancy that!), Unspeakable by Os Guinness. Just finished the first half of chapter 13, entitled, THE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS ME, under Question 5, ”Isn’t There Something We Can Do?” Guinness goes through his reasons why he thinks out of all ideologies, the Judeo-Christian has had the most impact against evil – the main one being that a person of Judeo-Christian belief sees the evil within HIMSELF. Guinness contrasts Judaism and Christianity with other ways of dealing with evil, ways that proponents don’t claim to be evil themselves -- mainly dualism (there are evil people and there are good people) and utopianism (if we can just get all the outside factors right, evil will cease to exist). He proposes startling revelations on what has happened and what will happen when dualism and utopianism are embraced.
I am astounded that there is Truth in knowing Christ, and there is truth in following His ways. It never ceases to amaze me how following His ways tends to make things work out intellectually, socially, economically, politically – even for those who know Him not. With the subject at hand, there is the question of knowing whether or not you are a man in need of a Savior – for your personal sanity and relationship with God (and as the kids said, whether or not they get to see you in Heaven!). On the flip side, you knowing whether or not you are a man with evil in his heart affects your personal fight against evil and the well-being of our world at large.
Anyway, let us know what you think of Chapter 13.
Sister Deb
P.S. I think Anonymous did understand what Heather Ann was saying…how could anyone have missed that? It seemed to me he was getting at the fact that you are looking at yourself too much – whether self-worship or self-abasement (or anywhere in between given the emotion of the day), there’s too much SELF goin’ on!
One of your commentor's posts caused Hubby to start the catchy tune…”more of me and less of Him and more of me and less of Him, and more of me, and more of me, oh Mir-o-slav…”
P.P.S. Hubby and I really like the fact that you are being honest about all this. Can't say we like all the conclusions you are drawing, but it is really nice to know you are speaking off the cuff and not pretending to be something you are not. Love the "doubt is the midwife of faith" quote. May the Lord use your doubt to bring you to a new birth, a new glorious life you cannot even imagine. May He pour Himself upon us all.
Hey Miroslav...
You are one of the finest men I know, but because I know you I am aware of a least a couple of things you would appreciate a pardon from your embracing and participation in.
If you only needed forgiveness for a handful of sins, (not living in a perfect way...even to "your own" standards) and it was offered, would you not gladly receive the offer?
-dangerous man
Uh oh... gather your children and cover your ears... the Dangerous Man has made an appearance! :D
Dangerous Man,
First off, thank you for your generous and kind words.
To address your thoughts and questions...
Yes, I was a porn addict and a liar for a long time. And there are still parts of me that desire to be everything but Biblical in the way I live my life. And yes, there is no denying that I beg forgiveness from those that I hurt by my selfishness both in the past and presently.
Part of my poem challenges the thought process that goes so far as to say that I deserve eternal hellfire for my failures. But another part of the poem, the most powerful part of it and the part that seems to have drawn the most attention, begs for an impossible love that requires no change or repentance on my part. A crying out from my sould to accept me fully "For who I am..."
I have to once again pull out my Artistic License (card carrying, btw). My poem is not an argument, it is an expression. A such all of my comments here have been an attempt at clarifing my expression, not defending it. And so it is again now.
If I'm to approach my definition of complete love as not needing to be excused for any part of who I am or what I do, it is obvious that it cannot hold up under logical scrutiny. Particularly if you are using Judeo-Christian values as a starting point. The only way this expression could begin to make any logical sense is from a Buddhist approach of complete selflessness and disconnect, an ideology I am not able to embrace.
As to your question about accepting a free gift of salvation, yes I would gladly accept such a gift if it was in deed free. But the gift outlined in the Bible it is not completely free... the "cost" is faith. And I don't know that such a faith can be simply chosen or acted upon without divine help.
And that is where I am found now... offered a gift that I don't know that I have the ability to accept, for the story and offer itself make no sense to me.
*** ***
Mama to 3 Soaring Arrows,
LOL at the song your hubby was singing. That bastard... I can't wait to see him next. I'm going to kick him in the crotch.
I still think "Anonymous" was clueless as to Heather Ann's point. She wrote very clearly, "Time for more of you, less of him." and "you'll never know that if you don't step back and get to know yourself" ... she was encouraging me to LIVE the song your Hubby was singing (the jerk).
Thank you for your encouraging words. The quote on doubt and faith is certainly encouraging, no? And it paints such a great picture... the horrible pain and miracle of child bearth... with Doubt there as the mid-wife... and faith being born out of it all. Very cool indeed.
I'm jealous that you are to Chapter 13 already. I'm hot on your tails at Chapter 12. Maybe you should spend a little less time reading that hog-wash and a little more time reading my wonderfully insightful blog! ; )
Miroslav
Ah, if only jumping in to the proverbial ball pit was my heart's wicked desire. hehe...
I mean, what if I wanted to jump in while loaded up on smack or something? then what?
(no reply needed)
Miroslav
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