Chapter 7e - A Fog of Confusion
** Be sure to read Chapter 7a, Chapter 7b, Chapter 7c, and Chapter 7d first! **
So, with all THAT said... My dad had left our church.
My wife and I were very confused and were left in a difficult situation: on the one hand, we wanted to leave the church ASAP, if nothing more than to stand with my father. Plus, I sensed that something was fishy with the whole public apology and rebuke thing. On the other hand, we were still leading the marriage class and had about three months left to go in it. We loved (and still love) every one of the students in the class deeply. And despite all that I knew about my dad and the church drama that had just played out, I was not sure about enough of the facts to leave immediately. In the end, we decided that we would stay at New Hope for at least the completion of the marriage class. Neither my wife nor I could imagine abandoning the students in our group having come so far together. And so, we stayed.
But what about that "fog"? Read more...As I mentioned, I was very unsure about an awful lot of things. Nothing was adding up in my mind. Where were all these accusations coming from against my dad? Were they true? I wish I could say that I didn't buy it for a minute. But much longer than a minute was spent wrestling with the question. I thought deep. I lost sleep. I cried. I prayed. I talked my wife's ear off. Rinsed, washed, and repeated. Ultimately, my question set me out on an investigative mission to uncover the truth of what the heck was going on.
The number one difficulty in trying to discover the truth in all of this was that my father himself stood in front of the church taking full responsibility for it all. I really didn't know what to do with that, particularly that now my dad had changed his tune. Was he a liar? That’s what we were told. Was he just too arrogant to actually swallow his own medicine? We were also told that by the elders. Maybe because he is my father, or maybe because I watched him love so unselfishly on so many people for so many years, or maybe because I watched the whole church shake down from a fairly close perspective, I just would not accept my father's confession nor the continued accusations against him from the leadership. A deep-seated pride that needed a scathing public rebuke and removal from office?! My dad? No...
But there was something that bothered me far worse than my father's confession. It confused and baffled me. It troubled me deeply. This thing compelled me to question my father's integrity and character...: The testimony of his friends. You see, as I began to investigate what in the heck happened that caused my dad to leave our church, an interesting thing became apparent. My father's friends had bought in to and then helped fuel the story that he was the problem. They agreed that he was tremendously arrogant and prideful. I won't speculate as to why, other than to say that now, in hindsight, it is obvious to me (and to them) that they were also victims of the broken leadership that existed at the church. The church had become so in-grown, full of gossip, and convinced that its own judgments were the Truth (note the capitol "T")... that my father's friends buckled under the pressures surrounding them. Without outlining every failure or false testimony that was given against my dad by his core group of close friends, let me simply say that the friendship was betrayed seriously and publicly. My dad's friends spoke in full support of the accusations that were being made against him, although they had never addressed the issue of pride with my father to his face in the nearly thirty years before. Nor could they give him an example when he asked them about the issue later. Still, they tearfully confessed to the larger leadership community of the church the truth of the pride that ruled my father. They agreed that he was in a deep state of sin and agreed that the church was acting in his best interest. Troubling things for my ears to hear, particularly considering the fact that I too was a part of this troubled church. I too bought in to many of the subtly cultish belief systems that were so pervasive in the church. If his friends say that it is so... it must be. (I should take a moment to point out here that these same friends of my father have long since gone and apologized to him for their misrepresentations and mistakes that they made along the way. He has forgiven them.)
I pressed on in my investigation, troubled. I began to think that maybe there was truth in the allegations against my dad.
But all that changed one night. During one particular conversation with one of my father's friends, in a meeting between me and my wife and he and his, it became abundantly clear to all of us that the entire case against my father had been built on shaky ground. Sparing you the gory details, I'll instead give the one sentence version: Simple important question asked, political answer given.
Have you ever been investigating something... trying to figure it out... only to get so very close to the truth that all of the issues get so clear so quickly that it’s a little scary and overwhelming? It is particularly scary your previously held views are turned inside out and upside down. Recently, a friend of mine shared his own experience about coming to the realization that he and I share about this old church of ours (though through a very different process). He said that he remembers the exact conversation when this occurred for him. He said it was as if he had "come within reach of the Holy Grail." Things began to be clear to him, they began to make sense. The fog began to lift. He didn't actually get to grab hold of the entire Truth of the matter at that moment, but he was so very near to it that he knew he was on the right path.
That’s really the best way to describe the event that happened that night with me and my wife and the friend of my father and his wife. My wife and I left that meeting not having all the answers... but we knew what the right path was.
You have to understand that from the eyes of the innocent average-joe New Hope congregant, my dad had sinned greatly by allowing his heart to be overrun with pride and arrogance, was caught as he tried to take over the church, genuine repented and apologized publically, and finally was overtaken again by pride and arrogance which lead him to leave the church once and for all. In so doing, they felt betrayed my father, which only fueled their willingness to accept the accusations against him. "If he REALLY loved us," I would come to hear from many people, "he would have stayed." And as time passed, people began to remember each argument they had with my dad over the years. "I always remember how he would preach about how often he was jogging for excercise, it was like he was bragging," I heard one person share to a friend as evidence of his pride. "He was always so gung-ho about his ideas...," another would say.
My memory with exact dates is foggy, but I think that the time between when my father left and when my wife and I left was about six months. During that time, I remember that many meetings were held at church about my dad leaving. They were horrible difficult and sad meetings. Meetings full of confusion. And I'm not saying that from my perspective as a disgruntled son four years later... if you ask just about anybody that was at the meetings, they'd tell you the same thing. Two meetings stick out to me in particular. One was just shortly after my dad had left, and the other was just before my wife and I left.
I think that the first meeting was held within a couple of weeks after my father's departure. It was in the Fireside Room. Not a whole church affair, only the lay-leadership of the church and my father's family. I'd guess about forty people or so. Lots of tears were flowing as the leadership asked the eldership board (the four remaining) what was going on. Where had my dad gone? And why?
We were all told by the senior pastor and the elders that my father had left, unable to live with the humiliating circumstances surrounding his removal from office. His ego couldn't bear it. We were told that he seemed to have a moment of remorse and repentance for his pride (as evidenced by his public apology), but now it was apparent that the dragon of pride had once again reared its ugly head again and overtaken him, causing him to value his own opinions over those of the eldership as a whole. I don't know who it was, but somebody asked what grounds he thought he had to take over the church. Another person said that they had heard something about a letter (the EPL) that my father had drafted. The eldership stated very plainly and calmly that they had decided not to share the letter with the congregation or anybody for that matter, for the protection of my father. Some arguments began to surface from people who would not accept that answer. They wanted to know what was at the bottom of all this. It was at this point that I spoke up. "Senior pastor, why don't you share the contents of the letter in an edited version that would allow all of us to know what’s going on and to have peace in the matter? This is obviously something that’s pretty important as evidenced by the tears and hurt that is in the room today." Again, the answer was given that in order to protect my dad, the EPL would not be read. ("What?!...," I thought to myself. "What is in this letter?! And didn't Tommy agree with most of it? How could it be damaging to my dad?") ... before I had a chance to say anything else, the other good friend of my father stood up and began to talk, and cry (and this is a man who just does not cry often). He tearfully told us all that he had been told what was in the letter, and that we should believe the leadership when they say it is in the best interest of my father to not have it shared publicly. At this point people became worried and began to wonder out loud what my dad had done. They wanted to know if he had confessed to some sort of ugly moral sin that they should be concerned about. The leadership assured us all that no infidelity had occurred, or abuse of any kind, it wasn't anything like that. How assuring...
I left the meeting pissed. It was just horrible. And so confusing. What in the world was my dad's friend tearfully testifying to in there? Was there something I didn't know about that happened? There was this odd cloud of confusion over it all. Everything was so blurry and messy. I didn't know what to say or do or think about it.
The other meeting that I specifically remember was towards the end, just before we left. My wife and I had already determined that things were somewhat screwy but this meeting served as the icing on the cake, it sealed the deal for us (well, at least for me it did). The meeting was held in the portable buildings, again with the lay-leaders of the church and the elders. As the meeting started, one thing was made very clear. There were to be no questions asked at this leaders meeting. (yes, that’s right, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.) The meeting was being held, we were told, to announce that the elders had decided that we were "moving on" as a church body from what had happened lately. Far too much time had been spent on my father's departure. The church's lay-leaders needed to accept the fact that he was gone and trust the eldership's decisions. From this point on, the elders would not entertain any further questions about it. We were told that there comes a time that we are required to simply trust those in authority... and that time had come.
...(insert night time sounds and crickets chirping).... A bizarre silence. Then there was audible, albeit muffled, crying in the room. The lay-leaders were obviously still very troubled and confused about what had happened and what was going on. A faint female voice in the back spoke, I turned to see it was one of the few elderly women we had in our church (seventies?). She was one of very few elder mother figures in our church, the type that spoke very seldom but when she did it was with love and wisdom. Before she could get more than a couple of words out, she was sharply interrupted by one of the elders... he reminded her that there were no questions allowed. I had seen enough. I spoke up fairly loudly, "This is WEAK leadership. Look around you guys. Nobody seems very ready to move on. Furthermore, how can you just TELL somebody to do that?" ... the flood gates kind of broke open at that point as others began to chime in that it was quite ridiculous for them to try to shush us all, to demand that we follow their authority, and to just "move on." There were also some others that spoke up in defense of the elders, telling us all that every army needs a captain and that sometimes we have to follow the captains orders even if we don't agree with them. Scary words.
After the meeting, I was softly rebuked by one of the elders for saying what I said so boldly. I think I gave him a political apology ("Yeah, sorry... I'm sure I could have said that better") or something like that. I left that meeting pissed too. But this time, I was NOT confused at all.
When we decided we would leave the church, we didn't announce it to anybody. We just agreed that after our marriage class, we would hit the road. Of course, things didn't quite go as smoothly as we hoped they would.
** Continue the story with Chapter 7f **
So, with all THAT said... My dad had left our church.
My wife and I were very confused and were left in a difficult situation: on the one hand, we wanted to leave the church ASAP, if nothing more than to stand with my father. Plus, I sensed that something was fishy with the whole public apology and rebuke thing. On the other hand, we were still leading the marriage class and had about three months left to go in it. We loved (and still love) every one of the students in the class deeply. And despite all that I knew about my dad and the church drama that had just played out, I was not sure about enough of the facts to leave immediately. In the end, we decided that we would stay at New Hope for at least the completion of the marriage class. Neither my wife nor I could imagine abandoning the students in our group having come so far together. And so, we stayed.
But what about that "fog"? Read more...As I mentioned, I was very unsure about an awful lot of things. Nothing was adding up in my mind. Where were all these accusations coming from against my dad? Were they true? I wish I could say that I didn't buy it for a minute. But much longer than a minute was spent wrestling with the question. I thought deep. I lost sleep. I cried. I prayed. I talked my wife's ear off. Rinsed, washed, and repeated. Ultimately, my question set me out on an investigative mission to uncover the truth of what the heck was going on.
The number one difficulty in trying to discover the truth in all of this was that my father himself stood in front of the church taking full responsibility for it all. I really didn't know what to do with that, particularly that now my dad had changed his tune. Was he a liar? That’s what we were told. Was he just too arrogant to actually swallow his own medicine? We were also told that by the elders. Maybe because he is my father, or maybe because I watched him love so unselfishly on so many people for so many years, or maybe because I watched the whole church shake down from a fairly close perspective, I just would not accept my father's confession nor the continued accusations against him from the leadership. A deep-seated pride that needed a scathing public rebuke and removal from office?! My dad? No...
But there was something that bothered me far worse than my father's confession. It confused and baffled me. It troubled me deeply. This thing compelled me to question my father's integrity and character...: The testimony of his friends. You see, as I began to investigate what in the heck happened that caused my dad to leave our church, an interesting thing became apparent. My father's friends had bought in to and then helped fuel the story that he was the problem. They agreed that he was tremendously arrogant and prideful. I won't speculate as to why, other than to say that now, in hindsight, it is obvious to me (and to them) that they were also victims of the broken leadership that existed at the church. The church had become so in-grown, full of gossip, and convinced that its own judgments were the Truth (note the capitol "T")... that my father's friends buckled under the pressures surrounding them. Without outlining every failure or false testimony that was given against my dad by his core group of close friends, let me simply say that the friendship was betrayed seriously and publicly. My dad's friends spoke in full support of the accusations that were being made against him, although they had never addressed the issue of pride with my father to his face in the nearly thirty years before. Nor could they give him an example when he asked them about the issue later. Still, they tearfully confessed to the larger leadership community of the church the truth of the pride that ruled my father. They agreed that he was in a deep state of sin and agreed that the church was acting in his best interest. Troubling things for my ears to hear, particularly considering the fact that I too was a part of this troubled church. I too bought in to many of the subtly cultish belief systems that were so pervasive in the church. If his friends say that it is so... it must be. (I should take a moment to point out here that these same friends of my father have long since gone and apologized to him for their misrepresentations and mistakes that they made along the way. He has forgiven them.)
I pressed on in my investigation, troubled. I began to think that maybe there was truth in the allegations against my dad.
But all that changed one night. During one particular conversation with one of my father's friends, in a meeting between me and my wife and he and his, it became abundantly clear to all of us that the entire case against my father had been built on shaky ground. Sparing you the gory details, I'll instead give the one sentence version: Simple important question asked, political answer given.
Have you ever been investigating something... trying to figure it out... only to get so very close to the truth that all of the issues get so clear so quickly that it’s a little scary and overwhelming? It is particularly scary your previously held views are turned inside out and upside down. Recently, a friend of mine shared his own experience about coming to the realization that he and I share about this old church of ours (though through a very different process). He said that he remembers the exact conversation when this occurred for him. He said it was as if he had "come within reach of the Holy Grail." Things began to be clear to him, they began to make sense. The fog began to lift. He didn't actually get to grab hold of the entire Truth of the matter at that moment, but he was so very near to it that he knew he was on the right path.
That’s really the best way to describe the event that happened that night with me and my wife and the friend of my father and his wife. My wife and I left that meeting not having all the answers... but we knew what the right path was.
You have to understand that from the eyes of the innocent average-joe New Hope congregant, my dad had sinned greatly by allowing his heart to be overrun with pride and arrogance, was caught as he tried to take over the church, genuine repented and apologized publically, and finally was overtaken again by pride and arrogance which lead him to leave the church once and for all. In so doing, they felt betrayed my father, which only fueled their willingness to accept the accusations against him. "If he REALLY loved us," I would come to hear from many people, "he would have stayed." And as time passed, people began to remember each argument they had with my dad over the years. "I always remember how he would preach about how often he was jogging for excercise, it was like he was bragging," I heard one person share to a friend as evidence of his pride. "He was always so gung-ho about his ideas...," another would say.
My memory with exact dates is foggy, but I think that the time between when my father left and when my wife and I left was about six months. During that time, I remember that many meetings were held at church about my dad leaving. They were horrible difficult and sad meetings. Meetings full of confusion. And I'm not saying that from my perspective as a disgruntled son four years later... if you ask just about anybody that was at the meetings, they'd tell you the same thing. Two meetings stick out to me in particular. One was just shortly after my dad had left, and the other was just before my wife and I left.
I think that the first meeting was held within a couple of weeks after my father's departure. It was in the Fireside Room. Not a whole church affair, only the lay-leadership of the church and my father's family. I'd guess about forty people or so. Lots of tears were flowing as the leadership asked the eldership board (the four remaining) what was going on. Where had my dad gone? And why?
We were all told by the senior pastor and the elders that my father had left, unable to live with the humiliating circumstances surrounding his removal from office. His ego couldn't bear it. We were told that he seemed to have a moment of remorse and repentance for his pride (as evidenced by his public apology), but now it was apparent that the dragon of pride had once again reared its ugly head again and overtaken him, causing him to value his own opinions over those of the eldership as a whole. I don't know who it was, but somebody asked what grounds he thought he had to take over the church. Another person said that they had heard something about a letter (the EPL) that my father had drafted. The eldership stated very plainly and calmly that they had decided not to share the letter with the congregation or anybody for that matter, for the protection of my father. Some arguments began to surface from people who would not accept that answer. They wanted to know what was at the bottom of all this. It was at this point that I spoke up. "Senior pastor, why don't you share the contents of the letter in an edited version that would allow all of us to know what’s going on and to have peace in the matter? This is obviously something that’s pretty important as evidenced by the tears and hurt that is in the room today." Again, the answer was given that in order to protect my dad, the EPL would not be read. ("What?!...," I thought to myself. "What is in this letter?! And didn't Tommy agree with most of it? How could it be damaging to my dad?") ... before I had a chance to say anything else, the other good friend of my father stood up and began to talk, and cry (and this is a man who just does not cry often). He tearfully told us all that he had been told what was in the letter, and that we should believe the leadership when they say it is in the best interest of my father to not have it shared publicly. At this point people became worried and began to wonder out loud what my dad had done. They wanted to know if he had confessed to some sort of ugly moral sin that they should be concerned about. The leadership assured us all that no infidelity had occurred, or abuse of any kind, it wasn't anything like that. How assuring...
I left the meeting pissed. It was just horrible. And so confusing. What in the world was my dad's friend tearfully testifying to in there? Was there something I didn't know about that happened? There was this odd cloud of confusion over it all. Everything was so blurry and messy. I didn't know what to say or do or think about it.
The other meeting that I specifically remember was towards the end, just before we left. My wife and I had already determined that things were somewhat screwy but this meeting served as the icing on the cake, it sealed the deal for us (well, at least for me it did). The meeting was held in the portable buildings, again with the lay-leaders of the church and the elders. As the meeting started, one thing was made very clear. There were to be no questions asked at this leaders meeting. (yes, that’s right, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.) The meeting was being held, we were told, to announce that the elders had decided that we were "moving on" as a church body from what had happened lately. Far too much time had been spent on my father's departure. The church's lay-leaders needed to accept the fact that he was gone and trust the eldership's decisions. From this point on, the elders would not entertain any further questions about it. We were told that there comes a time that we are required to simply trust those in authority... and that time had come.
...(insert night time sounds and crickets chirping).... A bizarre silence. Then there was audible, albeit muffled, crying in the room. The lay-leaders were obviously still very troubled and confused about what had happened and what was going on. A faint female voice in the back spoke, I turned to see it was one of the few elderly women we had in our church (seventies?). She was one of very few elder mother figures in our church, the type that spoke very seldom but when she did it was with love and wisdom. Before she could get more than a couple of words out, she was sharply interrupted by one of the elders... he reminded her that there were no questions allowed. I had seen enough. I spoke up fairly loudly, "This is WEAK leadership. Look around you guys. Nobody seems very ready to move on. Furthermore, how can you just TELL somebody to do that?" ... the flood gates kind of broke open at that point as others began to chime in that it was quite ridiculous for them to try to shush us all, to demand that we follow their authority, and to just "move on." There were also some others that spoke up in defense of the elders, telling us all that every army needs a captain and that sometimes we have to follow the captains orders even if we don't agree with them. Scary words.
After the meeting, I was softly rebuked by one of the elders for saying what I said so boldly. I think I gave him a political apology ("Yeah, sorry... I'm sure I could have said that better") or something like that. I left that meeting pissed too. But this time, I was NOT confused at all.
When we decided we would leave the church, we didn't announce it to anybody. We just agreed that after our marriage class, we would hit the road. Of course, things didn't quite go as smoothly as we hoped they would.
** Continue the story with Chapter 7f **
posted by Miroslav at 10:50 PM
9 Comments:
Mitroslav uses a wording new to me.
I never encountered before.
//A deep seeded pride//
A trip to the American Heritage Dictionary confirmed I was not wrong all these years.
Thank Google!
http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/deep.html
I read this latest chapter, finally.
What a saga!
Ah, the church experience!
Sinners - They let you down every time. In that respect, I can say with confidence, "You can depend on me."
You said: Have you ever been investigating something... trying to figure it out... only to get so very close to the truth that all of the issues get so clear so quickly that it’s a little scary and overwhelming?
That is a great description of what happened to us when we left the church. We had some concerns over theological/sociological issues, and I had an ominous feeling, but we were very unsure of what our course of action should be…until we met with the pastors over our concerns (one was on vacation, so we only met with 2). It seemed like a GREAT meeting – they gave us a loving, kind response. Your dad seemed hurt, they both seemed surprised, but they gave us hugs and didn’t freak out or anything. Within days of our meeting with pastors (a meeting with pastors that we had KEPT very private, purposely not telling all of our friends our concerns because we had seen how much trouble one could get in for “spreading dissension”) bits and pieces of our outline of concerns (we had brought a piece of paper to the meeting to help us systematically explain where our thought process was coming from) had been copied and distributed among the “in” crowd! People were approaching us and demanding answers to, “How could YOU make such horrible ACCUSATIONS against our pastors?” We were absolutely baffled. This, along with several other crazy weird things that took place (I wrote and deleted a few of those crazy weird stories -- I think I may need my own blog to work through all those yucky memories!) suddenly brought us to a place of such clarity that we were overwhelmed and scared. We had started the process wondering whether or not we should leave the church. Not too far into the process, the “veil” was lifted and we saw some pretty scary things, and we became a lot more sure that leaving was the answer. Many friends faulted us for this change in position, saying, “You said you didn’t know what you were doing, that you were looking for an answer, now you say you are pretty sure you have the answer, isn’t that lying?” Doesn’t this sound familiar, though not nearly as dramatic as your dad’s recent story?
You spoke of the leaders not reading the EPL and not explaining your dad’s side of the story – even though it made things so much more confusing and made people wonder just what kind of sin could he be up to, anyway. This happened with us, with much less magnitude! We told the pastors that we would like to keep our “future leaving” on the down-low and finish out the school year with our beloved teens, but they wouldn’t have that. Their reaction (and rumors) felt like they were saying if we thought the church was being in any way similar to the “c” word, well, we’d better just pack up and head on out now. The words they used with us were somewhat kinder and gentler – no journal here now to look for an exact quote. Leadership had decided to call a meeting to announce that we were leaving, and we ourselves were not invited to attend this meeting. Your dad was one of the main speakers at this meeting – and you were there, along with teens, parents, and youth leaders. From what we have gathered, the kids were told that we were leaving, that the pastors didn’t agree with our reasons, that they couldn’t tell the kids our reasons, and that the kids didn’t need to worry, because even though we were leaving them, the leadership in the room was there to stay – because they REALLY cared for these kids, as opposed to us, I guess. When you left that meeting, you said you thought the leadership did a pretty good job handling the situation.
We had showed up at church that morning, knowing the meeting we were not invited to would be happening right after the service. I’m not sure how I made it though, except that God carried me. One of the songs that morning was “It Is Well With My Soul.” I was reminded that when all else fails, my salvation in Christ, His love for me, is sure – and this lifted me up into the arms of God where I could rest.
One important point, your apt description in a previous blog about “Doomed Repetition” is more true than I think we can imagine. The same story has been repeated over and over, with varying degrees of severity, and with different settings and different characters. I have heard many stories of DIFFERENT elders doing the SAME actions throughout the years that I simply must believe it is a power greater than them in action. I do not believe that this power is the devil (thought surely he delights in us tearing ourselves down and saving him the work) – I believe it is the power of BELIEF, or the power of worldview. These men have a deep, deep set of beliefs entrenched inside their souls, and they see the world through this worldview, bringing about choices and actions that seem logical and even good to them. I put most of the blame on a belief system rather than on individuals. Are individuals still responsible for their actions? Clearly. But knowing that their convictions lead them to act in such ways fills me with sympathy rather than bitterness.
"I watched him love so unselfishly on so many people for so many years"--yep, as I'd cont'd in that era of our lives, and do continue to say: That's his character, his testimony. A multitude of selfless works, even when he's overstretched or tired, doesn't matter; he and his wife have freely availed themselves over and over again to meet the needs of God's children, redeemed and unredeemed.
D. Porta,
Nice catch. I HATE when people use sayings incorrectly. The one that annoys me most frequently is, "I could have been more angry!" when they mean to say, "I couldn't have been more angry!" ....
I've corrected it now, so everybody will probably scratch their heads wondering what in the heck we are talking about.
I like your comment at the end there, made me smile.
Mama to 3 Soaring Arrows,
THANK YOU for sharing your story. Yes, the similarities are sad. GREAT LINE, Agreed 100% and then some....So true...:
"But knowing that their convictions lead them to act in such ways fills me with sympathy rather than bitterness."
Auntie Lamb,
Yup yup.
I would prface this comment with the fact that indeed your father gave of himself again and again and was incredibly caring to so many people, my family included. I take issue with a couple of things though.
The other pastors/ elders also had in many ways given beyond measure. But the good we do does not negate the areas of our lives that God wants to change. I say this because your father had himself participated in many of the decissions of the eldership that really harmed people and the congregation that they were supposed to be watching over. Case in point, Mama to three Soaring Arrows story. He was a key player in that mess. I know that he realizes this now, but it took it touching his own home as you pointed out before his eyes were really opened and he was willing to take a stand. I believe that is what some of his close friends saw in him that was hard to pin down in specifics. Not only did he stand by and do nothing at times when he disagree, but in fact he often participated in a legalistic, harsh kind of discipline.
I beleive I left something out on my last comment.
I have spoken to your father and his wife and he has apologized for the things that he participated in that were harmful to my family and others in the body of Christ. I only brought this up because the story sounded a bit one-sided to me. I have completely forgiven your father and am excited to experience God's amazing forgiveness both for myself and for others. I do believe that the other players in the leadership have not stood up and taken responsibility for their sina dn therefore I am not able to enter into the same kind of relationship even though I have forgiven them.
George,
Scary how similar it all is. My next chapter will tell of OUR leaving the church. It should come as no surprise that it sounds very much like your story and Mama to 3 Soaring Arrows'.
Woman of Faith,
Girl... you came so close to a virtual can of W.A. bein' opened! I had this big ol' gnarly response ready to throw at ya but right before I posted it I saw your additional comment. Here is the toned down, nicer version. :) (embarassed to remember that you know how rough my emails can get!)
You say that you "take issue with a couple of things." And then you mention that "the good we do does not negate the areas of our lives that God wants to change." - Nothing that I've written suggests anything to the contrary.
You also wrote, " I only brought this up because the story sounded a bit one-sided to me." -
I don't think my writing is one-sided at all or that I've sugar coated it. I stated very clearly earlier in Chapter 7b: "And as a matter of fact, my father bears some responsibility for the [horrendous mistakes made], for he too fell into many of the same mistakes of an overzealous leadership." & "But now the failures of the leadership had come knocking on his OWN door, and so he became uncomfortably and personally aware of these failures in a brand new way."
My father DID make every one of the mistakes you listed. And it DID take the touching of his own home for him to wake up to it. In that regard, in as much as he became like THEY CONTINUE TO BE, he failed as a leader.
Using the great example you brought up (one I refer to often), my father did hurt Mama to 3 Soaring Arrows. But not more than two months after he left NH, he went to Mama to 3 Soaring Arrows and her husband and asked for forgiveness. It was granted. He also repented to several other people that he knew he specifically hurt by his actions and inactions as a leader. I can't imagine it is easy to apologize to somebody whom you have excommunicated, can you?. How does THAT conversation start?
You wrote:
"I believe that is what some of his close friends saw in him that was hard to pin down in specifics." - No. They were just dead wrong. They know that and thats why they have since apologized. They have aplogized to my father and have asked his forgiveness because what they said about him was FALSE and unfair. Obviously all of us deal with pride, I'm not suggesting my father is any different. But the idea that arrogance was a vicious, lurking part of his character... which is what was said publicly by his friends... was simply false. His friends were not saying, as suggested by your writing, that my father was arrogant in that he had become like the leadership and that his arrogance was only penetrated by pain to his own home. No, they were chalking everything up against his character and were siding WITH the leadership against him. They screwed up.
That is why Tommy, after all of this, holds my father in "very high esteem" for what he did... he blazed a trail out of the mess called NH, unwittingly laying the groundwork for others to see the truth as well. Without his friends, without any support around him, ... my father blazed a trail of escape. I do not believe it any stretch of the imagination to say that had he not taken these bold steps, we would still be trapped in the fog of confusion that many others are to this day. Intending good, wanting to love, and looking to God... many that remain there, particularly the leadership, are confused.
It does my heart well to know that you have forgiven my father for his mistakes and failures as a leader. Thank you for that.
good thing that I responded quickly! I must say that I don't disagree with your assessment here at all, I guess that it was not as clear as what you have just commented. Also, I am not defending his friends position but giving an explanation as to why it was easy to buy the lies , hook, line and sinker, so to speak. I suppose I cannot speak for others here but for myself it was part of my journey to first, buying into the deception and then being able to understand that we are all fallible and that humility is our only way to unity and peace with one another. Because I did not see humility on display in the remaining leadership it allowed me to find my way out of the fog, as you so aptly put it.
I can also agree that if your father had not forged a path many of us would still be in confusion.
"good thing that I responded quickly!" - LOL!
Love ya much, even when life has us buttin' heads every now and again! :)
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