Strange days' phaze daze

Yeah, these are some strange days that I'm living. So odd to be experiencing life for the first time apart from the world views I am so used to having. Everything seems so brand new to me now. Its not that life has changed... just my perspective. And I don't really have a solid new world view... so it feels like I'm just in a daze watching things. Watching myself even... I feel like I'm in some sort of temporary transitional phaze daze. Maybe a daze isn't the right word. Its more like a intermittent out of body experience. (maybe daze was a better word) I hear myself saying things that, as my Native American friend said to me recently, "just don't sound like [me]." I'm not saying bad or evil things (At least I don't think they are bad or evil)... just things that have never been heard from my mouth. EVER. Things that were once so black and white, just aren't anymore.

Read more about my daze...Its not the run of the mill work-grocerystore-diaper-changing situations that are strange at all, because nothing significant in my life has changed in that regard. But there have been several more serious situations where I found myself,... um... a bit without direction.

Last week a client of mine who I've known only casually over the past six months opened up to me that his marriage is on the rocks. We talked a bit and he explained that he works too much... and his wife won't forgive him for a previous infidelity of his in the marriage. I used to have all the answers for this type of guy. Or at least I thought I did. Well... I didn't think I had ALL the answers, but definitely the most important ones. The night he opened up to me, I was just kind of caught of guard. In the short time we spent together, I encouraged on the things that I hold to be True. I encouraged him to be a good father, to consider his kids and the effect that a divorce would have on them. I challenged him to weigh the importance of his work versus his family. And I offered him hope that if he and his wife wanted to make it work, there was a way to do that. He told me that he was thinking of going to some sort of marriage class at a local church. I told him I thought that was a good idea. I think he left encouraged, but I was kind of scratching my head. What can I say to this man that is honest and earnest besides expressing that I hope good things for him? In the past, all of my answers were in Christ.

Also recently, I heard that a friend of a friend of mine was changing the terms of their marriage to be an "open marriage." To be totally honest, I thought it was such a left-wing-hippy-Californian thing to do. In the past, I would have put the situation in the sin box in my head, and just, um... lovingly judged them from a distance. Maybe if we talked I would try to talk to them about Jesus and point them toward Him trying to show them that He loves them by my general nice and kind attitude toward their blatant disregard for what Everybody knows is right. But now, I don't know. For the first time ever I don't have a snug little box to categorize them in. And I was quite uneasy about my lack of position on their decision. Just on this trip I learned that in fact, the couple is not going to try an open marriage (but don't start celebrating quite yet)... instead they are divorcing. The wife, as it turns out, has decided to embrace her homosexuality. They have several children who will suffer the consequences of this divorce, which we all agree sucks. But what beyond that painfully obvious result?? Apart from the bible's teaching on the issue (which I don't put much stock in at the moment), what do I have to say to this woman who says she likes other women? Should I tell her that she just needs to stay married for the sake of the kids and have sex with her husband even though she doesn't desire him? Wouldn't that, more likely than not, just lead to lies and betrayal behind closed doors particularly if they don't believe in Jesus or the teachings of the Bible? And this woman is not ignorant to the Bible. She is the daughter of a man who has been in very real, heart felt ministry at his local church. For several years this woman followed Christ with everything she had.

On this trip down to LA this weekend, I met a guy my same age at a bowling alley. He and I got to talking and it turns out that he is a struggling young Christian turned from his partying ways. He just completed a year long recovery program that has helped him turn from drugs and alcohol. Two months back in to normal society, he is in the process of redefining his life as he attempts to live a clean and sober life dedicated to Christ. As he talked I felt this enormous sense of obligation to guide him down "the path"... but I didn't want to be a hypocrite. Soooo... I decided to be honest with. (gasp!) I told him that my life story to this point was nearly the exact opposite of him: pretty squeaky clean my whole life, but that now my faith was actually in a very demolished condition. I don't know if he didn't hear me or what because five minutes later he began asking me for advice about following Christ. I figured it wouldn't hurt to help the guy along in his pursuit of Truth so we ended up talking for about an hour or so and I shared with him what I knew about Christ's teachings on the subjects he inquired about. I think he was very encouraged. At least, he said that about ten thousand times... so... yeah, I guess he was. It was so weird. Here I was ministering to this guy like a pastor (like I have to many other people in days gone by), and yet I am not sure I believe any of it myself. I was sure to use words that preserved my integrity. I said stuff like, "If you believe Jesus is the Son of God and died for your sins... then you have to look at the verses that say X,Y, Z." ... And I did tell him right out of the chute where I stood... so I don't feel like I was dishonest with the guy. And he was genuinely encouraged, so thats good. He seems like a really great guy. I hope the best for him. But it was just ... weird. Like an out of body experience. I was sort of watching the whole dialogue from afar. I got back to the house after dropping him at off at home and told my wife I was doing my Just-In-Case-Work. (sick humor... so sue me.)

Sunday morning we went to church with a friend of my moms. She had been raised Catholic her whole life and because of that experience was horrified of the idea of a church service. For some reason though, she joined us. It was so bizarre for me to imagine that this middleclass woman, growing up in America, ... had never been to a protestant church before. She had never heard the Gospel (according to Evangelical America that is). It was so weird to be seeing all of this happen and not have that feeling inside of me that I would expect to have... a feeling of excitement that she might come to be a believer in Christ. Typically, I'd be psyched! But... for now, I just watch. Almost like I'm watching a movie unfold right before my eyes.

And then, towards the end of the Sunday service, the pastor says, "Can't stop drinking? Jesus can!" He was putting the exclamation mark to his point that Jesus lives inside of believers and gives us access to "unimaginable power" if we'd only have faith. At that moment, I thought of all the addicts in the church at large. I thought of men I know who have enormous faith in Christ, but can't control their sexual appetite. I thought of all the hurt within the Church... the people who try with all their might, but who never seem to overcome their challenges. Also, I thought of all the noble, kind, faithful men and women I've known who died tragic deaths, all the while clinging to the hope (faith in some cases) that they would be healed miraculously. And I know all the Christian answers to all of these complaints/accusations/frustrations. I know them well. But that morning at church, I did not feel like myself at all. I felt unlike anything I've ever felt in my whole life. I felt removed. Apart. Separated from. It didn't hurt. It was sad, but not painful.

Sad, weird, confusing. Strange days' phaze daze if I ever heard of one, thats for sure. But, ya know, I'm in no crazy hurry to pick up some sort of new world view just to have one. I feel pretty liberated at the moment, for better or for worse. And I certainly haven't found any better solution to life's many dilemmas than the one presented in the offer of Christ.

If only I could believe it to be True again! ...