TrueLife
"I wish I could be as honest as you; but my family might not like it."
~ Anonymous, 2006
My first response, "What does your family liking it have to do with the matter? Do you want them to like YOU, or false projection that you give them of who you think you should be? How sad if you content yourself with the latter. And let us suppose that an honest self assessment is given. Suppose you don't like what you see. Then you must lie to yourself too. Is honesty to be sacrificed so easily? To what end?"
Set aside thirty minutes to read the rest, then click here!I am reminded of a great term I read about in "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns (an AWESOME book by the way). In his book, Burns talks about a trap that is easy to fall in to: living the Should-y Life. (Say it out loud. The Should-y Life. Enjoy how similar the word 'Should-y' sounds to something else.)
So what is the Should-y Life?
"I should provide for my household financially." Seems like an innocent statement, doesn't it? But let me tell you how much I loathe the word 'should'. How it can so easily and invisibly become a torturous burden, too heavy for a person to bare! A man is working 50 or 60hrs per week. He handles the bills at home 'to keep his wife's mind at ease'. In reality, he masks and distorts all things related to finances to try to keep his wife in the dark about the fact that they are not making ends meet each month. He lies to himself, assuring himself that its only for a season... he will make it up with overtime next month or next year. He lies to his wife with gifts and nights on the town they can't afford. He lies to his friends when he gambles money that is needed to make payments on his credit cards. He is living the Should-y Life.
Take another example. "I should share all of my sexual energy with my spouse alone." Like the first example, a noble and honorable thing to shoot for. But how quickly the word 'should' serves as both ball and chain to a person who does not meet that reality. A man finds himself habitually masturbating, feeling horrible about it afterwards, and telling nobody ... particularly not his wife. He is wrecked with guilt and shame about it. Before two hours goes by, he forgives himself, reminding himself that he serves a graceful God. He can't tell his wife. It would crush her. And his friends? No. They'd pressure him to confess and step out of ministry or something, right? And probably .. they'd tell him to 'fess up to the wife too. So instead, he moves on, lying to himself. He minimizes the issue. Tells himself that all guys do it and he is actually doing his wife a favor by looking out for her. He knows what she can and can't handle. All the while, his guilt continues, his sex life with his wife is not quite right, and this wife ... this supposed companion and life partner ... is left out of the loop, cutoff from a core, defining portion of her man's soul. Thats the Should-y Life. And I avoid it like the plague.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking doom and gloom here. I'm not saying the first guy is going to go bankrupt and lose the house. And I don't at all mean to suggest that the second guy is going to become a deviant, a sex addict, or a child predator. I'm not saying that AT ALL. I don't buy in to that sort of fear based logic.
I'm saying, come on... what type of life is that to live? Who are we kidding with these type of antics? Me personally? I'd rather be honest and bankrupt or honest and hurting my wife with a masturbation problem than living a lie. A man can survive financial ruin, and marital wounds can heal. But time lost to lies is forever waisted. Maybe that guy's wife is a financial genious waiting for an opportunity. Perhaps the man finds his wife too feels a lack in their sex life and the honesty, though painful, gives them opportunity to discuss together what is and isn't working in their sex life together.
And maybe these two examples don't apply to Anonymous at all. I have no clue. Maybe you are a closet cross dresser. Or a pathological liar. Or maybe its something entirely less 'vile' than these examples. Maybe you are a Doubting Thomas. Maybe you dislike your pastor. Maybe you are sick of how your spouse talks to you. Maybe you hate your job. Maybe you wish you could just speak your mind openly to your friends who have entirely different views on social issues than you do. I have no clue. But ... life is too short. I say let it all hang out.
Its better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all.
Its better to have run the race, fallen flat on your chest, broke a bone, skinned a knee ... even have gone to the Emergency Room ... hell, even to have DIED RUNNING ... than to never have run at all. And I mean that. I really do.
How much better would it be for our pretend friend in financial crisis here to say to himself first, and then to others, "I want to financially provide for my family. I am working as hard as I know how to. We are not making ends meet. We haven't for a long time. I want something to change." Not exactly date night conversation. But God, how liberating it is to talk that way! Maybe he still ends in financial ruin. Maybe his wife leaves him (if that were the cause, maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing!). Maybe he recovers. Who knows? Either way, thats the way I want to roll. Good or bad. Straight up. Honest. Let the chips fall where they may.
For our second friend who struggles with his sex life ... what if he said to himself and then to others, "I want to share my sexually exclusively with my wife. Despite all my efforts to do so, thusfar all I've done is lie to her and myself by doing things behind her back that I don't feel comfortable with. I know what I'm doing is hurting myself and my wife, is not fulfilling to either of us. I want more than this and I believe that sharing in life's struggles is really, at the core, what my wife and I agreed to do together when we became married." Oh yeah baby. Now we are talking. That, my Anonymous friend, is LIVING. No promises of good times in the sack when you bust out with that sort of conversation. But how in the world will you expect progress when the problem is hidden?!
Let me speak to you now from personal experience as a long time porn addict. When I look back to my 10yr+ hidden stint with porn, it makes me sick. It really does. And, suprisingly to some, its not because I shouldn't have been looking at porn. Nope. Instead, when I look back at the heights and depths that I went to to keep my true self from being known to all the dynamic, loving, wonderful people in my life, I am sick to my stomach thinking of all the TrueLife moments that I robbed from them. I am sick to my stomach thinking of the TrueLife moments I myself missed. And let me be clear. I don't want you to think I'm talking about 'all the good times I would have had if only I would have been honest' sort of thing. No. I would still have had a tough go of things. Perhaps I would have continued looking at porn and struggled alongside some other people to rid myself of the habit. Maybe it would have caused a rift in my marriage for a time. Maybe I wouldn't have had the positions in ministry that I did if I was more honest. Heck, for all I know, maybe it would have gotten WORSE before it got better. All of these things would have been difficult. But none of that is the point at all! ... grrr... I almost feel at a loss for words here.
Ah... here it is:
First of all, you can't hope for any sort of solution or progress if the problem itself is hidden.
Secondly, take progress entirely out of the picture for a moment. For if that is your only goal, it will eventually become too easy to sacrifice truth at the altar of efficiency, ie. "I won't tell my wife about my problem because it will hurt my marriage.' (I say, what sort of marraige is that anyway?) ... I've found that pain that is true and honest actually feels good compared to safety and comfort gained by fraud. I bet any recovering addict or liar can tell you that. There is something that is just so stinking RIGHT about feeling the pain that is real and true after you've been running and hiding from it for so long.
What else should I say here? Two last items: 1) Why explore truth so completely? and 2) What advice would I give to one that might want to embark towards TrueLife having been holed up in the Should-y Life for so long?
1) Why 'go there'?
I mentioned before that I wonder if the events of September 11th where not a large contributing force in my hidden porn confession. So many people's lives cut short so quickly and randomly. A janitor, a contractor, an executive. I remember picturing a head honcho for some investment firm up in the towers trapped in the building with the receptionist he had an affair with. His wife and kids at home ... He thought of his family and how their relationship was based almost entirely on lies. And this woman, the receptionist ... all they did was medicate themselves, he sexually, her romantically, in a relationsihp that both knew was doomed from the start. And so they jumped together. In tears. And that was that. That day was the end date on their tombstone. No retakes. No "I'll do better next time"'s. No mas. ... I thought of myself, found in a car wreck. Dead. Skelatons in my closet. My wife finding porn on the computer and coming to the knowledge that I had lied to her our entire relationship. Ugh. Still makes me sick to my stomach to this day.
The whole church experience I went through also pushed me towards complete honesty ... particulary in the arena of friendships. Deceit, gossip, and slander made a killing at my old church. Sad and sickening. Such rupture between what where once strong friendships, ... and most of it caused by smiles and hugs on the front end, malicious backbiting behind closed doors. Hidden things don't tend to get cleaner and tidier. They stale, mold, and stink. I have yet to be convinced that there is much (if anything) to be gained by cordialities with those you intend to relate to on any important level.
More recently, I went to a funeral and, as I always am at funerals, I was struck with the finality of the dates shown on the program. 19xx - 2006 ... and that was it folks. Can't make up those soccer practices, or missed bedtime readings. Game over. Love them kids now. You, or they, may go at any time.
What do I want to do with my time on Earth? Do I want to relate to people as I should be, or as I am. Do I want my wife to be married to an false image of who I should be, or who I am? Do I want my friends to hang out with me and enjoy the company of who I should be, or who I am? Shall my children know some sort of projection of who I think I should be, or will they know ME?
It became a simple decision once it finally dawned on me. I don't believe that any of us actually wants to relate to a person who is only portraying what they think they ought to be. Not me anyways. I want REAL. Even when it ain't pretty. I want the real you. The whole bit. Give me the complete freakin' enchilada.
I want a hug if you want to give me one. I want you to tell me you think I'm an arrogant jerk with a loud mouth if thats how I'm rubbin' ya that day. Give me a gift if you'd like even if its not my birthday. Call me Judas. Flip me the bird. Blow me a kiss. Thats actual RELATING to one another, ya' know?!
Lets run in to each other a bit, see what comes of it. See where we bloody each other. Come back, apologize for things. Love on each other some. Grow. Learn. Think. Explore.
Enough pretending.
2) Advice for the new TrueLife traveler?
Do not expect an immediately pleasant response from many. There are those that are scared to death by truth at this level. Give them a wide, graceful berth and move on. You will find others who seem to respond to your honesty like a moth to a flame. They will want to explore, and discuss, and question, and probe ... and you can see in their eyes that they long to be free as well ... cherish these conversations.
Prepare yourself for isolation for a time.
Prepare yourself to second guess ever changing course to begin with.
Make no mistake about it. The level of honesty that I strive towards is not really an enjoyable thing for anybody involved. From my experience, I have found fear and defensiveness to be a common immediate reaction to complete honesty. No, pleasure is not guaranteed. I would even go so far as say it is only seldom found when compared to the fraudulent life where you exchange truth for comfort. But when you have paid the price of admission for TrueLife and have found it's pleasure ... let me tell you it is good and true and deep, like nothing found in the Should-y Life. And it is totally worth it.
~ Anonymous, 2006
My first response, "What does your family liking it have to do with the matter? Do you want them to like YOU, or false projection that you give them of who you think you should be? How sad if you content yourself with the latter. And let us suppose that an honest self assessment is given. Suppose you don't like what you see. Then you must lie to yourself too. Is honesty to be sacrificed so easily? To what end?"
Set aside thirty minutes to read the rest, then click here!I am reminded of a great term I read about in "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns (an AWESOME book by the way). In his book, Burns talks about a trap that is easy to fall in to: living the Should-y Life. (Say it out loud. The Should-y Life. Enjoy how similar the word 'Should-y' sounds to something else.)
So what is the Should-y Life?
"I should provide for my household financially." Seems like an innocent statement, doesn't it? But let me tell you how much I loathe the word 'should'. How it can so easily and invisibly become a torturous burden, too heavy for a person to bare! A man is working 50 or 60hrs per week. He handles the bills at home 'to keep his wife's mind at ease'. In reality, he masks and distorts all things related to finances to try to keep his wife in the dark about the fact that they are not making ends meet each month. He lies to himself, assuring himself that its only for a season... he will make it up with overtime next month or next year. He lies to his wife with gifts and nights on the town they can't afford. He lies to his friends when he gambles money that is needed to make payments on his credit cards. He is living the Should-y Life.
Take another example. "I should share all of my sexual energy with my spouse alone." Like the first example, a noble and honorable thing to shoot for. But how quickly the word 'should' serves as both ball and chain to a person who does not meet that reality. A man finds himself habitually masturbating, feeling horrible about it afterwards, and telling nobody ... particularly not his wife. He is wrecked with guilt and shame about it. Before two hours goes by, he forgives himself, reminding himself that he serves a graceful God. He can't tell his wife. It would crush her. And his friends? No. They'd pressure him to confess and step out of ministry or something, right? And probably .. they'd tell him to 'fess up to the wife too. So instead, he moves on, lying to himself. He minimizes the issue. Tells himself that all guys do it and he is actually doing his wife a favor by looking out for her. He knows what she can and can't handle. All the while, his guilt continues, his sex life with his wife is not quite right, and this wife ... this supposed companion and life partner ... is left out of the loop, cutoff from a core, defining portion of her man's soul. Thats the Should-y Life. And I avoid it like the plague.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking doom and gloom here. I'm not saying the first guy is going to go bankrupt and lose the house. And I don't at all mean to suggest that the second guy is going to become a deviant, a sex addict, or a child predator. I'm not saying that AT ALL. I don't buy in to that sort of fear based logic.
I'm saying, come on... what type of life is that to live? Who are we kidding with these type of antics? Me personally? I'd rather be honest and bankrupt or honest and hurting my wife with a masturbation problem than living a lie. A man can survive financial ruin, and marital wounds can heal. But time lost to lies is forever waisted. Maybe that guy's wife is a financial genious waiting for an opportunity. Perhaps the man finds his wife too feels a lack in their sex life and the honesty, though painful, gives them opportunity to discuss together what is and isn't working in their sex life together.
And maybe these two examples don't apply to Anonymous at all. I have no clue. Maybe you are a closet cross dresser. Or a pathological liar. Or maybe its something entirely less 'vile' than these examples. Maybe you are a Doubting Thomas. Maybe you dislike your pastor. Maybe you are sick of how your spouse talks to you. Maybe you hate your job. Maybe you wish you could just speak your mind openly to your friends who have entirely different views on social issues than you do. I have no clue. But ... life is too short. I say let it all hang out.
Its better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all.
Its better to have run the race, fallen flat on your chest, broke a bone, skinned a knee ... even have gone to the Emergency Room ... hell, even to have DIED RUNNING ... than to never have run at all. And I mean that. I really do.
How much better would it be for our pretend friend in financial crisis here to say to himself first, and then to others, "I want to financially provide for my family. I am working as hard as I know how to. We are not making ends meet. We haven't for a long time. I want something to change." Not exactly date night conversation. But God, how liberating it is to talk that way! Maybe he still ends in financial ruin. Maybe his wife leaves him (if that were the cause, maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing!). Maybe he recovers. Who knows? Either way, thats the way I want to roll. Good or bad. Straight up. Honest. Let the chips fall where they may.
For our second friend who struggles with his sex life ... what if he said to himself and then to others, "I want to share my sexually exclusively with my wife. Despite all my efforts to do so, thusfar all I've done is lie to her and myself by doing things behind her back that I don't feel comfortable with. I know what I'm doing is hurting myself and my wife, is not fulfilling to either of us. I want more than this and I believe that sharing in life's struggles is really, at the core, what my wife and I agreed to do together when we became married." Oh yeah baby. Now we are talking. That, my Anonymous friend, is LIVING. No promises of good times in the sack when you bust out with that sort of conversation. But how in the world will you expect progress when the problem is hidden?!
Let me speak to you now from personal experience as a long time porn addict. When I look back to my 10yr+ hidden stint with porn, it makes me sick. It really does. And, suprisingly to some, its not because I shouldn't have been looking at porn. Nope. Instead, when I look back at the heights and depths that I went to to keep my true self from being known to all the dynamic, loving, wonderful people in my life, I am sick to my stomach thinking of all the TrueLife moments that I robbed from them. I am sick to my stomach thinking of the TrueLife moments I myself missed. And let me be clear. I don't want you to think I'm talking about 'all the good times I would have had if only I would have been honest' sort of thing. No. I would still have had a tough go of things. Perhaps I would have continued looking at porn and struggled alongside some other people to rid myself of the habit. Maybe it would have caused a rift in my marriage for a time. Maybe I wouldn't have had the positions in ministry that I did if I was more honest. Heck, for all I know, maybe it would have gotten WORSE before it got better. All of these things would have been difficult. But none of that is the point at all! ... grrr... I almost feel at a loss for words here.
Ah... here it is:
First of all, you can't hope for any sort of solution or progress if the problem itself is hidden.
Secondly, take progress entirely out of the picture for a moment. For if that is your only goal, it will eventually become too easy to sacrifice truth at the altar of efficiency, ie. "I won't tell my wife about my problem because it will hurt my marriage.' (I say, what sort of marraige is that anyway?) ... I've found that pain that is true and honest actually feels good compared to safety and comfort gained by fraud. I bet any recovering addict or liar can tell you that. There is something that is just so stinking RIGHT about feeling the pain that is real and true after you've been running and hiding from it for so long.
What else should I say here? Two last items: 1) Why explore truth so completely? and 2) What advice would I give to one that might want to embark towards TrueLife having been holed up in the Should-y Life for so long?
1) Why 'go there'?
I mentioned before that I wonder if the events of September 11th where not a large contributing force in my hidden porn confession. So many people's lives cut short so quickly and randomly. A janitor, a contractor, an executive. I remember picturing a head honcho for some investment firm up in the towers trapped in the building with the receptionist he had an affair with. His wife and kids at home ... He thought of his family and how their relationship was based almost entirely on lies. And this woman, the receptionist ... all they did was medicate themselves, he sexually, her romantically, in a relationsihp that both knew was doomed from the start. And so they jumped together. In tears. And that was that. That day was the end date on their tombstone. No retakes. No "I'll do better next time"'s. No mas. ... I thought of myself, found in a car wreck. Dead. Skelatons in my closet. My wife finding porn on the computer and coming to the knowledge that I had lied to her our entire relationship. Ugh. Still makes me sick to my stomach to this day.
The whole church experience I went through also pushed me towards complete honesty ... particulary in the arena of friendships. Deceit, gossip, and slander made a killing at my old church. Sad and sickening. Such rupture between what where once strong friendships, ... and most of it caused by smiles and hugs on the front end, malicious backbiting behind closed doors. Hidden things don't tend to get cleaner and tidier. They stale, mold, and stink. I have yet to be convinced that there is much (if anything) to be gained by cordialities with those you intend to relate to on any important level.
More recently, I went to a funeral and, as I always am at funerals, I was struck with the finality of the dates shown on the program. 19xx - 2006 ... and that was it folks. Can't make up those soccer practices, or missed bedtime readings. Game over. Love them kids now. You, or they, may go at any time.
What do I want to do with my time on Earth? Do I want to relate to people as I should be, or as I am. Do I want my wife to be married to an false image of who I should be, or who I am? Do I want my friends to hang out with me and enjoy the company of who I should be, or who I am? Shall my children know some sort of projection of who I think I should be, or will they know ME?
It became a simple decision once it finally dawned on me. I don't believe that any of us actually wants to relate to a person who is only portraying what they think they ought to be. Not me anyways. I want REAL. Even when it ain't pretty. I want the real you. The whole bit. Give me the complete freakin' enchilada.
I want a hug if you want to give me one. I want you to tell me you think I'm an arrogant jerk with a loud mouth if thats how I'm rubbin' ya that day. Give me a gift if you'd like even if its not my birthday. Call me Judas. Flip me the bird. Blow me a kiss. Thats actual RELATING to one another, ya' know?!
Lets run in to each other a bit, see what comes of it. See where we bloody each other. Come back, apologize for things. Love on each other some. Grow. Learn. Think. Explore.
Enough pretending.
2) Advice for the new TrueLife traveler?
Do not expect an immediately pleasant response from many. There are those that are scared to death by truth at this level. Give them a wide, graceful berth and move on. You will find others who seem to respond to your honesty like a moth to a flame. They will want to explore, and discuss, and question, and probe ... and you can see in their eyes that they long to be free as well ... cherish these conversations.
Prepare yourself for isolation for a time.
Prepare yourself to second guess ever changing course to begin with.
Make no mistake about it. The level of honesty that I strive towards is not really an enjoyable thing for anybody involved. From my experience, I have found fear and defensiveness to be a common immediate reaction to complete honesty. No, pleasure is not guaranteed. I would even go so far as say it is only seldom found when compared to the fraudulent life where you exchange truth for comfort. But when you have paid the price of admission for TrueLife and have found it's pleasure ... let me tell you it is good and true and deep, like nothing found in the Should-y Life. And it is totally worth it.
posted by Miroslav at 8:05 PM
15 Comments:
"What do I want to do with my time on Earth? Do I want to relate to people as I should be, or as I am. Do I want my wife to be married to an false image of who I should be, or who I am? Do I want my friends to hang out with me and enjoy the company of who I should be, or who I am? Shall my children know some sort of projection of who I think I should be, or will they know ME?”
Good stuff to think on, Miro.
My 2 cents of advice to ANONYMOUS would be:
Relate as who you ARE, not who you “should” be…but if you stink, take a bath.
Definitely, covering up terrible body odor with perfume won’t cut it for long – you will always be worried about the stink coming through, always having to cover up with more good smells to hide the bad. But, on the other hand, simply being honest about your stench won’t be enough either. We all know people who smell raunchy and are proud of it, almost flaunting it...and they still reek!
The problem is not solved by mere hiding or mere honesty.
“Should”s are part of common human existence – the striving to become better than we are right now, the striving towards morality, goodness, success, love, etc. I don't think these are to be carelessly thrown to the wind, but they are not to be faked either. We are all on a journey towards somewhere.
Honesty is a good step toward change. Be honest about yourself, your pleasant smells and your stench.
But while you are at it, take a shower.
Deborah, who has found that the only place I can go for both a shower and the strength to be honest about my stinkiness is the welcoming grace of Jesus Christ.
I have read this and I am thinking a lot...
I think Brian McLaren's character Neo would suggest there are two points at the end of a line we can call REAL and SHOULD-y. But hovering above that line is a life of loving God and each other. Sometimes that might look REAL like when we discuss our porn addictions (back when I was your age!) and sometimes it might look SHOULD-Y, like when I choose to not to drink because it might cause a brother who is weak in the faith to stumble. If we are walking in love, led by love, ruled by love, it doesn't matter what it looks like on the outside.
I also believe that in order to be REAL (which I believe is important unless doing so hurts others), we need a safe place with others who are similarly committed. I think the committment needs to be to loving God and each other though, not to being REAL. About 33 years ago, I was in THE HIGHEST TRUTH ASHRAM (didn't we think we were something?!?) and we sliced each other up with being REAL.
If the choice were only REAL or SHOULD-y, I am with you; you can always be REAL and ask forgiveness when you were REAL and UNKIND. But I encourage you to an even higher level that I think God has for us.
What do you think?
Very thought provoking. I think one of my favorite verses in scripture is "When we walk in the light(truth) as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin" John something I think.
an interesting idea to be honest and transparent no matter what the cost. I think that is what that scripture is talking about. The cost to us is usually loss of face, or perhaps shame, but the reward is deep abiding fellowship with those who can love us rightly and can also walk in the light of real truth. Those who can't won't be able to handle it and it won't be a huge loss in the long run.
I have found that truth is so freeing, I don't have to hide, I can be freed from the hold that maybe that wrong thought or act had on me. I t loses it ability to control me when someone else knows my deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts and actions. I am able to chose more wilsely the next time when I see the result of my actions on those that I love and care for.
But... there can be a danger in thinking that being honest frees you from responsibility. How many times have you heard someone excuse thier bad behavior by saying something like, "that's just the way I am" or "you should accept me for who I am I can't or won't change".I would hope that honesty would give birth to freedom to change and be a better more loving individual. It is only when we face who we really are that we find the strength or the desire to be different.
I agee with Deborah that only in Jesus Christ have I been granted the grace and the forgiveness to face myself honestly and truthfully. He is an amazing Savior!
Holy Crap!
I wish I could use a highlighter for this stuff; a lot to take in but it sure feels REAL. I want everyone I know to read it.
I love you, my son.
Yo Momma
Deborah,
I know that your intention is to encourage ... but I believe that your suggestion "if you stink, take a bath" is a conterproductive statement to make to a person such as Anonymous ... a person who has yet to feel fully safe enough to make further steps in to the light of honesty.
The moment I read your comment, the Fearful Gatekeepers that had kept me in a prison of lies for so many years materialized before me in my mind's eye. These Gatekeepers kept me in shackles with overwhelming voices telling me that I was ugly, wicked, dirty, and worthy of shame... that if anybody knew what was under my 'mask of perfume', they would be disgusted at what they found. What a fearful and untrue message!
Before you ended your comment you wrote, "Be honest about yourself, your pleasant smells and your stench. But while you are at it, take a shower. [emphasis mine]" This is precisely the sort of blatent assumption and judgement that causes a person to keep themselves in hiding. In essence, you are telling the person, "Yes, yes ... come in to the light so you can see all the ugliness about yourself that undoubtedly needs to be washed off. We sure as heck don't want to smell your stench." To my ears, these are not words that encourage honesty or transparency. They serve only to negatively reinforce the already piss poor self image that most people have of themselves to begin with.
I much prefer the line written by Woman of Faith, "It is only when we face who we really are that we find the strength or the desire to be different." How freeing and encouraging of a statement that is, ya know?
With that said, I agree with you that 'mere honesty' does not solve all the woes of the human experience. As a matter of fact, in my original post I attempted to make a point of saying that TrueLife (that is, an open and honest life) does NOT equate to the GoodLife or the EasyLife. In fact, it is quite a strenous path to walk. But in the end, whether it ends up being painful or pleasurable, ... it is totally worth it.
Anonymous,
I am glad to hear that you caught this entry! I will make no effort to track you down, but if you ever want to chat mano'a'mano, shoot me an email or give me a ring if you've got the number. I'd love to share in your wrestlings alongside you.
Lynn,
I love your thought process and what you've shared here! Allow me to try to respond to some of what you've said.
The example you've given of not drinking for the sake of others is not necessarily a Should-y Life thing in my book. Neither does admitting to porn use put one in the TrueLife category. It really is all about the heart attitude. Are you limiting you drinking because you should do so, or is it an act of love. Are you confessing porn out of obligation and as a result of a miriad of shoulds that have been thrown at you? If so, I don't believe you will find the result that you might have expected. I believe it is possible, ... common even ..., to do the right thing for the wrong reason. And I believe there are many people out there in life putting themselves through all sorts of self-mutilation (including things that appear on the outside to be 'good' things) out of fear and self-loathing caused by the Should-y Life. One can not tell the difference between the Should-y Life and TrueLife with a quick glance.
You also mention the brutal side of honesty. "HIGHEST TRUTH ASHRAM"? Nice. That made me laugh and cringe at the same time imagining a bunch of hippy types bashing each other with um, honest evalutations of one another. ;D I agree that there are times when the truth must be tempered.I wrote a poem about the subject a while back.
On a somewhat related note, one of the largest flaws in my character that I wrestle with is that I do not, on a regular basis, extend the level of kindness and courteousness to my friends and family that I would like to. There are times that I justify my often blunt speech and ogre-like social interaction by saying to myself, "Ah... but its the truth! Why offer to go out of my way to pick him up from the airport if I don't want to?!!" Here is a great example of the subtle difference between TrueLife and the Should-y Life. I have an opportunity to revert back to the Should-y Life by offering to do something out of a 'should' ("I should go pick him up since he is my brother-in-law"). OR I can look at the truth of the matter (the fact that I don't want to go out of my precious way to help somebody else out) and evaluate if that is the sort of friend I want to be. This inner wrestling occurs, and on a good day, I end up changing my heart and attitude, offering my friend in need a ride out of love ... and THAT is a beautiful thing. ... Sometimes the pain of the truth is the only catalyst that can propell us to TrueLife LOVE. REAL LOVE.
To address your final thought about being called to something beyond the Should-y Life and beyond Real... yes, I agree. But I believe with much conviction that we must first venture in to the Real before moving on to what might await beyond. Otherwise, what we convince ourselves and others to be enlightened thought or deeper spirituality or lovingkindness is really only a thicker layer of perfume splashed on to hide our hyper-negative self image.
Perhaps if we were not so damned scared to BE in front of one another with our hearts wide open, we would find an easier time of confessing our wrongs, progressing towards the Good, and loving one another.
Woman of Faith,
So. I think that you and I are a great example in this discussion. I hope you don't mind me sharing a bit of our hiistory here (don't worry, I'm the one that was an absolute jerk).
Several years back, Woman of Faith wrote me a nice honest email asking for prayer. She was vulnerable with me. I wrote her back a scathing email, brutally blaming her for her problems. She was honest. So was I. My email was totally HONEST. And it was totally WRONG. It was wrong in content, and in spirit. She had asked for help, and I spouted off wrong-thinking garbage that really only amounted to an immature "I-told-you-so's". Thankfully, she decided to continue to be honest with me and share with me how hurt she was. I felt horrible. Just sick to my stomach to have caused so much hurt to her ... and I apologized. We ended up talking and crying together about it and I believe that in the end the whole experience brought us closer together.
But here is the kicker to the whole thing. I'm actually very glad I wrote that damnedable email. For had I not, I would still hold to that same sort of wrong thinking that lead me to write it in the first place! Am I glad I hurt her? No. I ache over that pain. But ... how wonderful a thing to be able to accept a mistake for what it is and learn from it and change! If instead I had been caught in the Should-y Life and stopped from telling her my honest thoughts ... I would still be stuck with that wrong thinking! NO THANK YOU!
And thank you Woman of Faith for your gracefulness with me during that time!
How wonderfully you made your point in your comment regarding some of the dangers and snares of honesty! I also love what you wrote: "It is only when we face who we really are that we find the strength or the desire to be different." So true. Well put.
Momma',
I love you tons! Honestly! :)
OH SHIT! I JUST WROTE A LONG DIATRIBE ONLY TO LOOSE IN CYBER SPACE. I'LL HAVE TO WRITE IT LATER! AAARG!!!
Miro,
First off, you’d better get off your butt and come pick me up at the airport…
Second…
Romans 6:1 & 2
What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?
May it never be! We who died to sin, how could we live in it any longer?
John 8:10-12
When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.
So Miro here’s the way I see it. God provides forgiveness and grace but it’s followed by true repentance and a call to action. So when Deborah says “But while you are at it, take a shower.” I equate that to Jesus saying “go, and sin no more”. How dare he say that!!! That’s so judgmental!!! How dare God tell someone what to do with their life. To quote from your post “This is precisely the sort of blatent assumption and judgement that causes a person to keep themselves in hiding.”
Now I do understand that people want to hide from their sins (been doin’ it since the very beginning). But God has a way of having your sins reveled whether you like it or not.
So you crack me up with all this talk of honesty, and then blast someone for being too “judgemental”. To quote a famous theologian “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth…” If you want “freeing and encouraging” statements I suggest you read “Deep Thoughts” By Jack Handy. Just kidding! The Bible is full of “freeing and encouraging statements”, but it also asks us to daily take our “piss poor self image” our “ugly, wicked, dirty, and worthy of shame... “ bodies and lay them at the foot of the cross. Only then can the “Fearful Gatekeepers” loose their grip of fear on our lives.
Anonymous,
lol. That has happened to me on more than one occasion. I feel for ya'. Its lame to spend all that time pouring your heart out only to lose the work. Tough to repeat.
One tip: you can always write your comment in a program like Microsoft Word so that you can save it and spellcheck and stuff, then just cut and paste it to this comment section.
Sue,
Yup… same ol’ sarcastic Miroslav here! Hehe…
I totally remember getting in testosterone driven pissing contests with Heath back in the day. I think we actually almost came to blows at one point when playing basketball together. Nowadays when I see him though, I’ve got nothing but love for him. Weird how time can change things, ya?
Thank you for your honest and initmate sharing there! Great stuff! I particularly like what you wrote: “It is all based out of fear.” Well put! My past mistakes have really taught me to avoid this sort of fear-based living because it only serves to keep me from experiencing life fully.
Brother-in-law,
First off, you da’ man. You can count on me to pick you up, or pay the cab fare, from the airport anytime brutha’. ;D
Second, the example you used of Jesus and the adulterous woman was one that I was actually going to use myself! Do you notice what Jesus did there? He first created a safe environment, removing the threat of the judgmental, rock throwing Pharisees. Second, he reassured the woman … he told her that he did not condemn her. Last, he told her to “go and sin no more”. I believe the order of things there is of utmost importance. … Also, you have to ask yourself, Does God have a bit more liberty to hand out judgments than you, or I, or Deborah? I think so.
Third, my call to honesty was never meant to imply that I couldn’t also speak honestly. I appreciate Deborah’s honest sharing, I really do. But despite the fact that I know the comment was fully well intentioned, I believe it is counterproductive. As I wrote earlier, these are not words that encourage honesty or transparency. I can promise you that a counselor sitting down with a new patient who has never shared their intimate heartaches and failures does not start out the appointment by saying, “Ok. Open up with me so that we can clean out all that stinky, nasty garbage inside.” … No. Instead, they would reassure the patient that they are safe and will be accepted and valued as an individual regardless of what is found inside.
Do I agree with you and Deborah and the Bible that unhealthy stagnation can occur even in the light of honesty? Definitely! But I believe playing that card now is an unnecessary preemptive strike. It might even be the right message, just at the wrong time. As Woman of Faith wrote so perfectly: "It is only when we face who we really are that we find the strength or the desire to be different." I just think that Deborah puts the cart before the horse by talking about cleaning off the dirt and stench so early in the game.
I’m tellin’ you straight up… to somebody who is ashamed of what they are on the inside, or to somebody who is caught in a cycle of lies, or to somebody who has limited all of their relationships to surface level interactions for fear that if they were really known they would be despised … using an analogy of a reeking, stench ridden person is not the way to go. Perhaps you have never been caught in such a cycle of self-destuctive self-hating thought. From my own experience, one needs to be loved on, encouraged, accepted, etc to be brought out of that place.
You are the absolute man for sticking up for your woman. Big props to ya'. Much love to you and Deborah.
Ya hear that Deb, Miro’s pickin’ up the tab for the Hummer Limo ride to the airport when we go to Disneyland. What a guy!
I think our basic point is this… yes there needs to be love, yes there needs to be encouragement, yes there needs to be acceptance, but there also needs to be change. Not a here today gone tomorrow change (although God could do that), but a true desire to want to little by little with God’s help clean up the stench and ugliness.
On a side note…
Can I be honest here? I have been thinking lately about the book Pilgrim’s Progress, and the challenges Christian faced on his way from the “City of Destruction” to the “Celestial City”. Christian had a friend that came along side him named “Hopeful”. Christian and Hopeful together are captured by Giant Despair and imprisoned in Doubting Castle. They escape with a key called “Promise” only to meet a guy named “Ignorance”. And the story continues…
This story so elegantly portrays the Christian life. The way I see it you have been through “Vanity Fair” and found it lacking. Now you are stuck in Doubting Castle going round and round with Giant Despair. You have a key called “Promise”, but you’re afraid to use it because it doesn’t look the way you think it should (after all it can’t be as simple as using a key to unlock the door, I must use my own ingenuity to figure out an escape plan). Whoaaa… too much… getting side tracked… Maybe a topic for another blog…
To get back on track…
Life is a tough journey; we all have stench and ugliness. We all need God. We all need others to lean on for encouragement and support. We also need to hold onto the “Promise” that comes from God’s Word, and keep moving forward down the path toward the “Celestial City”.
Hebrews 12:1-3; Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
BTW - I feel the love, but if you mess with the bull you get the horns. :0)
I’m all typed out.
Later Bro
Like a moth to a flame I'm about to get burned, so here I go....one thing out of the many things that really struck me was your thoughts (nothing more or less)on gossip and how it tore apart a church. I don't know that bringing all of that stuff out into the open would have really been all that effective. Instead of backbitting in secret you would of had backbitting in the open. Where they were doing it wasnt the problem. That they were doing it at all sort of sealed the deal. It was their hearts that was the issue. Personaly I'm a little thankfull that everything that I think or say stays in my meat bucket. I don't know anybody with the grace to handle me if I were to blurt out or act upon the first thing that popped into my head. If people were to walk around telling each other what they really thought that would be a nightmare.
Hi M-to-the-iroslav,
I'm feeling kind of 'ghetto' today ;)
As I think about facing the truth about myself, I think that, usually, the Lord speaks to me about it. If I don't listen to His voice, He keeps on telling me and using circumstances to make it so I can't hide. Like you said Miro, and I like this point, God makes me feel safe first. He is quite relentless though.
I think that for husbands and wives, they definetely need to come clean with each other. Even if it is a huge bomb. Otherwise the marriage is based on pretending. Nothing real.
As far as being honest about everything with everybody, I think there is a balancing act to do. In my mind, I let things go if I really don't have much invested in someone. If I'm close to someone, they usually know my junk and I know theirs.
I do like the realness of truth. I don't want to have pretend relationships or views of myself.
These are kind of random thoughts that came to me as I read your posting and the comments.
Go ahead and tear them apart! I can take the truth!
I do have a neat story that kind of goes along with this theme:
You and your dad have been great examples to me as far as having a BS radar. And not letting yourself get manipulated. (got an A in that class!)
So, I have a friend that called me up and said "Hey, I want you to get prophesied over by this lady who has the gift. She said some encouraging things and I know that you could use some encouragement."
My first reaction was "Y-e-a-h-n-o."
She kept talking about it and then scheduled the woman to come to her house. My friend had also invited some other ladies too.
As I thought about it, I thought of what you or your dad would do.(I really did) I then got a picture of myself quietly slipping out and getting in my car and leaving if things got funky.
The day came and I brought two of my Wildbranch friends and we were promptly blown away! She did speak the truth about each of us and shared what she saw ahead too. The woman was very low key and gentlehearted. The experience was very out-of-the-box for me--you know how I'm very 'meat & potatos' like.
;)
Don't think I'll ever do that again but, it was a positive experience. And I was ready to face that experience with truth.
Lots to think about for sure.
Brother-In-Law,
Dude... I'm so impressed with you. Seriously, you are a freakin' stud. I know that typing long entries like this is not normally your cup of tea and you've done a great job of communicating your thoughts clearly here. Props to you!
For the record, you can count me in on the list of people that agrees that change is a good thing.
Although pretty much entirely off topic (except for the fact that it was honest), ... I love what you shared with me about Pilgrim's Progress. I read the book recently myself and can appreciate your thoughts there. Thanks for sharing that!
sidewards8,
Glad to hear from you on here again bro.
As Lynn brought up earlier, you are right that there is definately value to having discrecion. My point is simply that I believe people use that excuse far too often and end up hiding their true thoughts, creating a false identity, which ultimately keeps them safe from pain ... but also prohibits them from experiencing all that life has to offer. Lynn's experience in the "HIGHEST TRUTH ASHRAM" confirms the fact that absolute, brutal 100% all the time honesty is not a healthy or loving way to live. So I'm with you that every hair-brained random thought I have should not be shared publicly. I am NOT suggesting that.
As to having the grace to deal with every thought that pops in to your head... I seem to recall one time in which you shared such a random thought. Does a threat of getting punched in the stomach ring a bell? :) Seriously though, that was you being honest, ... and I was too. And we both grew from that experience. I'd prefer that sort of open communication along with all of its pain rather than hidden thoughts. We don't grow when we hide.
Marita,
Great thoughts there! I'm with you on all of 'em.
And what a story. From what it sounds like, you definately stretched yourself there (and here by posting the story for all to read!). Having the freedom of speaking and acting in the truth is a wonderful thing fo' sho'. Your story of visiting with this prophet is a wonderful example of TrueLife vs the Should-y Life. Could it have been weird and creepy? Sure, but if you decided ahead of time that you wouldn't stick around for it if it was ... you were living the TrueLife. I love to experience life without the oppresiveness of unreasonable 'shoulds'.
Miro,
So, I agree with you on many points you brought out in this post. I must say, it has generated a lot of interest. In fact, I was quite bothered by it for some reason. We are a kindred spirit when it comes to truth and honesty. As I was reading this post, I couldn't help but think of the circumstances of NH. How the leadership of that church were so deceptive with its congregation. And they did it in quite a crafty way. I also am reminded that many relationships that I had are no longer and how many of these former friends don't understand why I won't "fellowship" with them. The reason I won't is precisely because of the points in your post. I don't have time to pretend. I can't stand superficial chit-chat. And, I want friends that will be real with me. Sadly, the old friends have been reduced to chit chat relationships. We see each other only at funerals. I too was at that same memorial service that you spoke of. While I was there, I was quite troubled. Inside the program was a verse from the Bible about how good it is when the bretheren dwell together in unity. I thought to myself how sad that isn't the case here. While we were all in the same room, we were worlds apart. Why? because we haven't really dealt with the issues that separate us. Instead, we have decided to let it go and move on. And to some degree, that is all we can do. God will have to do the rest--Lord knows I fought like hell to keep these friendships! I was very honest with my assesment of the situation there. I told my friends what I really thought of it all, and I found out what it's like to suffer because of the honesty. At least with me, you know where you stand. I can't say that about everybody. I can't be your friend if we can't talk candidly. Any kind of relationship that requires that I stay away from certain topics is really no realtionship at all. And while we stay away from those topics and speak only meaningless chit-chat with each other--there is an appearance of "peace"--but it really isn't peace at all.
DJ
But shared between friends, in a somewhat safe (although less with each passing moment)enviroment. Also there was an overarching purpose to that whole conversation, if in fact punching someone in the cheerios is considered a conv......
Post a Comment
<< Home