Not the best date night movie...

Tonight we watched "The Squid and The Whale". What a painfully intense movie. Not even sure where to begin putting my thoughts together...

Anybody else seen it?

YouTube. Heard of it?

So I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. Ended up having a blast at the reception with an old friend. I've known him for nearly twenty years and I have never seen him even come CLOSE to dancing.

Did hell freeze over where you live too?!

(pst... he is the one wearing the dark sunglasses as if he has had too much to drink.)

LOST , Season 2 Finale

I've finished watching the two hour season finale for LOST. I actually liked last season's finale better. I agree whole heartedly with the following quote I nabbed from an online review of this year's last episode:

"I can't get over my X-Files-type fears that this could all be leading to nowhere and that the writers have no idea where they're going. But for now, I'm still there each week. Damn it Lost, I can't seem to shake you."

Shared Secrets

Over the past several months, I've check PostSecret on a weekly basis. Such insightful stuff there. Painful and quasi-depressing from time to time. But so refreshingly gritty and real. I only wish there were an archive of some sort to peruse.

Anyhow, over the past couple of months I've collected (read stolen) several submitted secrets from their blog. These entries lept out at me when I saw them. Someday I'll get around to submitting some original entries I've had on my mind for a while. If they get posted, I may just have to brag about it.

But for now, enjoy these secrets that I share with others.

"Secrets? Ooh... I wanna see!"

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When I saw this posted on PostSecret, I realized how easy (yet unsatisfying) it is to try to substitute entertainment for the risky, unpausable, unpredictable nature of real life and relationship. An earlier PostSecret entry put it another way:

"I cried for Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode III ... but not for the tsunami victims."

Ouch.


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If I were to have submitted this next entry for myself, it would have been ammended slightly. I would have written:
"I WISH IT WERE EASIER FOR ME TO SMILE AND FAKE IT."


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These next two are pretty self explanatory if you've been reading my blog for any length of time.



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This last one made me cry the first time I read it. When I am depressed I feel so damn alone. There have only been a handful of occasions when somebody I know recognizes my depression and takes the time to see how I'm doing. When it has happened, its made me feel so loved and cared for.

I am so thankful for my wife who has struggled alongside with me through my depression over the years. She is such an amazing friend to me.

The text says: "Sometimes I wonder if my friends can really be friends if they can't recognize my depression."
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Weary Shoulders

No cause that I can think of, but a melancholy type emotion has hit me today, a longing for days gone by. A sort of sad remembrance of what life used to look like.

"That sounds sad, yet intriguing. Tell me more!"I remember the prayers that used to pour out of my heart and soul each day. No set daily devotions, I was never good at that. No agenda or protocol to follow. Just an ongoing discourse with the God I had served since my youth. "Lord, in what direction shall I travel today?" or "God, forgive me for ...." or "God, thank you for ..." or "God, I lift up ..." or "God, please help me live a life that is pleasing to you." or "God, what should I do here?"

I remember the Purpose. Yes, the fundamental Purpose for which all of my life was built around. Saving Souls. Nourishing The Body. Training Disciples. Everything and everywhere was for that Purpose. Every get together. Every sporting event. Every conversation with a client. Every choice on how I would live my life in the public eye. I never wanted to place any undue blemish on the name of my God, my Christ. Not that I always fulfilled my calling. But I will tell you, it is one thing to be walking in a forest or a ditch while at least knowing where The Path is or how to find your way back. It is something entirely different to find yourself in such a place as to not be sure there ever was a path, or if there was... if it was a good one. And if it was, and if it was good, how to find it again?

I remember the Rules. The Law. Predefined morals, benchmarks, and targets. Sin. Grace. Forgiveness. All of it was hard. All of it warred against my Self. But it was there, in a book. There is a certain sort of ease to submitting one's self to an Almighty Unquestionable Infallible Sacred Book. Answers are just waiting to be found, all I had to do was look hard enough... pray long enough ... submit myself entirely, selflessly to God ... and He would answer.

I remember the war that was waged within myself. Will I rule and reign in my life, or let God? Will I submit to my Flesh or to my Master? Such a battle. An epic struggle with victories and defeats, joy and real pain. But despite the difficulty, it had become so integral to my very essence. The core of who I was ... had always been defined by this hostile competition that raged inside of me.

More than anything, I felt IMPORTANT. I felt as though I was a key part in an unimaginably large universe. All of time that had passed before had lead up to Here and Now. And IT was up to me. I would be held accountable. I would be rewarded. I would be punished. There was a grandiose story that included me. All of mankind that had gone on before was watching me. It felt so ... yes, IMPORTANT.

God. I am so tired of this new thing, this new place I am in. I miss the familiar Path, with its potholes and obstacles I had become so well versed with. It never was too easy, but it was home.

Today, I miss it all dearly. A deep sadness, overwhelms me.

As a son mourns a departed father, I fear that my only hope for respite waits for me beyond the grave.

Stepping Stones

Jack H once said, "...I can say, with considerable authority, that there is no observation we can make about pain, that is original. I wrote somewhere, of Adam clutching his dead son’s head, weeping tears his exile never taught him. Real pain is the pain we feel for the pain of those we love. Love harder, love more, then. Just to spite whatever bastard force there is in this world that loves evil. "
-- "Truth!", I say. "Its presentation seems to be like deep calling out to deep ... something already held inside, yet never pulled out from my soul ... until now. An unspoken thought, now expressed, has been been made manifest in to tangible truth."

So often I've said things along these lines, "I hope there is a God defined by goodness and love whom, because of my finite nature, I cannot comprehend; but the pain and horrid evil in this world is so palpable it crushes me."
The Master Kat recently told me, "You need to reverse the proposition. Though it may be a needed approach from time to time, the pattern by which you are thinking will lead to stagnation and death if you hold on to it for too long. Reverse the proposition. ... You must teach yourself to say, 'The pain and horrid evil in this world is so palpable that it crushes me; yet I hope there is a God defined by goodness and love whom, because of my finite nature, I cannot comprehend."
-- "Ah....," says the grasshopper, "You are a wise man, Master Kat!"

My wife and I vistited the church of some friends of ours today. Our friend Liz gave her first sermon. As I listened to her message, I held in my hand the audience participation tool she provided to each congregant: a plain white postcard with a black dot in the middle. The relatively vast white area represented the goodness of life while the black represented the annoying, hard, and difficult things we encounter. The message was about perspective... the importance of staying focused on the positive things in life. But I took something else out of it.
-- Why am I content to say, "Yes ... there is goodness in life, but an honest evaluation must conclude with the admission that pain and evil rule the day."?? Why is that my final conclusion? Doesn't light shine equally as bright today as it did one thousand years ago? Why do I so easily disregard the fact that love, and faith, and hope are as persistant through the ages as hate, pain, and evil? I cannot ignore the fact that the blite upon the earth that is the black dot only steals my focus because it lay upon a white backdrop.

So now, I shall reverse the proposition as the Master Kat has suggested.
"Evil, hurt, and pain exists today, as they have for thousands of years. Equally persistent are the forces of love, hope, and faith. Although the very real attrocities of the world crush my soul, ... I hope in a good and loving God who is bigger than my understanding. Just as death is evidence of the reality of darkness, so life, laughter, and joy will be to me evidence of goodness."

I shall love harder, more than ever before. And to the best of my ability. And I shall do it, as Jack H has suggested ... just to spite whatever bastard force there is in this world that loves evil.

Jamba-fat?

I just realized that I pat myself on the back everytime I drink a Jamba Juice in lieu of a full blown lunch. I wonder if my idea of healthy eating is really all that healthy.

Whatchathink?

Count the times...

I'm running interviews for an entry-level position that has opened up in my business.

"So... are you pretty confident with your math skills?"
"Well, I do okay. Not great, but fairly good."
"Ok. Let me try to get an idea. What is 82% of 100?"
"..*awkard pause*.."
"..."
"Um... I don't know."

Three candidates, zero correct answers. Although one brave applicant did fire off a shot in the dark, she missed (points for courage?).

Am I expecting too much here? That seems like a pretty basic question to me. My office partner said his son who is in fifth grade would know the answer off the top of his head. And this last candidate was just two years shy of a college degree from a local city college! I could see if I was asking 35% of 200... or how a 20% discount would affect a $500 annual premium ...

Help me out here. What level math would you consider this? Basic? Intermediate? Advanced?

No, no, NO!

"I was talking to her the other day, and I will tell you this much, I could care less what she thinks."

Um. NO.

Say this instead, " ... I will tell you this much, I couldn't care less what she thinks."

Think about it.

Am I the only one that gets pissed off at stuff like this?

Sound off ... Food Budget

Ok. Me, my wife, two small kids ... are spending a CRAZY amount of money each month on food. We have gone through our finances over the past couple of months and broken it down in to two categories: groceries and dining out.

I'm embarassed to make this public knowledge. But what the hay... thats never stopped me before.

Nearly one thousand freakin' dollars every month. (This figure also includes household needs like toilet paper, cleaning supplies, etc.)

How about you? Tell me how many peeps in your household, and how much dough you are spendin'. Perhaps the shame will help me change.