Weary Shoulders

No cause that I can think of, but a melancholy type emotion has hit me today, a longing for days gone by. A sort of sad remembrance of what life used to look like.

"That sounds sad, yet intriguing. Tell me more!"I remember the prayers that used to pour out of my heart and soul each day. No set daily devotions, I was never good at that. No agenda or protocol to follow. Just an ongoing discourse with the God I had served since my youth. "Lord, in what direction shall I travel today?" or "God, forgive me for ...." or "God, thank you for ..." or "God, I lift up ..." or "God, please help me live a life that is pleasing to you." or "God, what should I do here?"

I remember the Purpose. Yes, the fundamental Purpose for which all of my life was built around. Saving Souls. Nourishing The Body. Training Disciples. Everything and everywhere was for that Purpose. Every get together. Every sporting event. Every conversation with a client. Every choice on how I would live my life in the public eye. I never wanted to place any undue blemish on the name of my God, my Christ. Not that I always fulfilled my calling. But I will tell you, it is one thing to be walking in a forest or a ditch while at least knowing where The Path is or how to find your way back. It is something entirely different to find yourself in such a place as to not be sure there ever was a path, or if there was... if it was a good one. And if it was, and if it was good, how to find it again?

I remember the Rules. The Law. Predefined morals, benchmarks, and targets. Sin. Grace. Forgiveness. All of it was hard. All of it warred against my Self. But it was there, in a book. There is a certain sort of ease to submitting one's self to an Almighty Unquestionable Infallible Sacred Book. Answers are just waiting to be found, all I had to do was look hard enough... pray long enough ... submit myself entirely, selflessly to God ... and He would answer.

I remember the war that was waged within myself. Will I rule and reign in my life, or let God? Will I submit to my Flesh or to my Master? Such a battle. An epic struggle with victories and defeats, joy and real pain. But despite the difficulty, it had become so integral to my very essence. The core of who I was ... had always been defined by this hostile competition that raged inside of me.

More than anything, I felt IMPORTANT. I felt as though I was a key part in an unimaginably large universe. All of time that had passed before had lead up to Here and Now. And IT was up to me. I would be held accountable. I would be rewarded. I would be punished. There was a grandiose story that included me. All of mankind that had gone on before was watching me. It felt so ... yes, IMPORTANT.

God. I am so tired of this new thing, this new place I am in. I miss the familiar Path, with its potholes and obstacles I had become so well versed with. It never was too easy, but it was home.

Today, I miss it all dearly. A deep sadness, overwhelms me.

As a son mourns a departed father, I fear that my only hope for respite waits for me beyond the grave.