Report Card

On the first day of 2006, I made some resolutions. You can read about it here. A brief summary:

I have determined from this point on to:
* Stop chasing.
* Live in the HERE and NOW.
* Enjoy the Journey.

To help me learn to do this:
* For the first three months of 2006 I will spend nothing on myself. No new video games. No new toys. No fancy lunches. No gambling. Nadda. Zilch.

"So how did you do, Miroslav?"
Looking back to what my stated goals were at the beginning of this endeavour, I have to say that I actually made a good amount of progress. But before I pat myself on the back to much, I should share my specific successes and failures:

1) "No new video games." - Hm. Well. About that. I broke this rule like it was goin' out of style! I didn't even make it out of the gates without working a loophole. But I suppose I already confessed that, didn't I?
GRADE: F

2) "No new toys." - As best as I can remember (and I'm sure I'll get a gentle reminder from my friends if I'm off here), I can only remember purchasing one new toy (which absolutely ROCKS, by the way), and that was in March. Totally a luxury purchase. BUT I split the cost with a friend, so I'm givin' myself a little break on that one.
GRADE: B

3) "No fancy lunches." - I wasn't perfect with this. But I did make an effort. It was on my mind each week. Although I didn't brown bag it every day, I did make more of an effort to go home for lunch from time to time and to spend less on feeding my face.
GRADE: C

4) “No gambling.” – I saved the best for last on this report card. I aced this one! (pun intended.) Not one single penny was risked through gambling from 1/1/2006 – 3/31/2006! It was a challenge for the first couple of weeks as my poker buddies continued to call me, many of them unaware of my New Year’s Resolution, but I actually got used to not playing pretty quickly. Taking a break from playing poker was good for me. And to be honest, part of me gave a sigh of relief as I found that gambling does not appear to have any sort of addictive hold on me. So that’s good.
GRADE: A++++

With my grades averaged, I give myself a B- or so. Not bad.

So, back to the stated goals:
Stop chasing, Live in the HERE and NOW, Enjoy the Journey.

I feel like I've learned one key thing over the last three months. There is a difference between looking forward to something, versus CHASING it. It is completely healthy and normal for me to look forward to spending time with friends, watching a new movie, or taking a vacation. But at some point, that sort of anticipation can take some sort of evil twist inside of me and turn in to something that is unhealthy. Its the addict in me raging to get out. When I begin to force things to happen, or focus all of my energies on 'the next cool thing' and miss out on what is right in front of me, that is when I've crossed the line. When I am so looking forward to when my little boy can go hiking with me in the mountains, that I miss the opportunity to go out for a walk with him around the block. When I'm looking forward to a poker game that is scheduled for tommorrow, and only give my wife half of my attention while I'm with her TONIGHT. Or when I'm so anxious at work to make the next BigBuck that I miss the fact that I'm doing very well financially right now and should be enjoying that fact! All examples of what I'm talking about.

Anyhow, the last three months have been good for me and have helped me see the line a bit more clearly between a healthy enjoyment of the wonderful riches I have around me, and an unhealthy and exhausting striving for tomorrow's pleasure. Balance is a good thing. Hard, but good.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, during the past three months, I've also begun to feel a lot more content with where I am on my Journey. Its rarely comfortable. Often awkward. Sometimes very challenging. But I am more content than I have ever been since the beginning of this Dark Night of the Soul.