"snake..."

Yup. I am. A thief.

Just gnabbed this quote off some poor nameless sole's blog:

"If we live only for tomorrow, we'll have a lot of empty yesterdays today." - Thomas S. Monson

Thanks for the tips!

Props to my peeps fo' da' hizikup on da' dope dropdown.

Comedy

So today is the day that I decided to drop in at CSUS to look in to what all would be required in order for me to become a Family Therapist here in CA. Rolling in to the parking lot I felt tre-cool sporting my fancy, successful biz owner clothes and ridin in my G35. I was remembering the last time I was here... An 18yr old kid. Broke. Living much of my life in a lie... (referring to my old porn addiction)...and very naive about so much.
All that to say. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I walked down the hall towards the Enrollment Office. That is, until I looked down and saw a HUGE wet spot on the front of my shirt. Apparently my wife sabotaged me, in some sort of effort to mess with my brain, by leaving the lid partly open on the drink she gave me when I stopped by the house for my transcripts.

Now I wait with the masses... Humbled by this dribbling Tang spot that shows that I still have much to learn in this thing called Life.

A great discovery...

I bought a hard to find collection a while back, "Essay Collection & Other Short Pieces" by C.S. Lewis. Its been great reading through all sorts of the lesser known works of C.S. Lewis. This morning I discovered a wonderfully deep short story entitled "The Man Born Blind". This piece was unpublished until 1977, years after Lewis' death. "According to Owen Barfield, this short story was written during the late 1920's when he and Lewis were deep in the 'Great War' debate over Appearance and Reality."

I'm sure I've broken thousands of copyright laws in doing so, but I've typed the whole thing in to my blog for you to read. Its pretty short, but its GOOD. Check it out here.

After you've read it, tell me what you think about it!

Simple Fish

Sometimes I think that obvious answers are so ... deceiving.
This Dark Night of the Soul that I'm in the middle of has me really considering how tasty conclusions are. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I wonder if in our efforts to find TheTruth we sometimes chomp at the first thing that resembles it. Only later do we find that we've ... well, ... swalled something dangerous or at least something that isn't Truth.

Anyhow. On to the poem...Simple Fish

Not too low, not too high,
The sinker must be precise:
Bring the claims against me
Right before your eyes.

‘Tis me that is the problem.
It is what we’re told.
“He’s the reason for this season.”
This line you have been sold.

My failings appear so obvious
Without a second look.
Look a little deeper
You just ate the hook.

Your tasty morsel secured
You have become so smug.
Savor it now, friend of old
For soon will come the tug.

Hook, line, and sinker…
‘Twas such a mouth watering bait.
Place the blame upon my shoulders,
Reality to abdicate.

You took the liberty to hate me
Eating what you were fed…
You are a fish dead on the line.
I swim on ahead.

The longest days

Today begins a three day stretch of Mr. 'Mom'edness.

I'm just hoping I don't lose my mind...

On a lighter note...

I don't quite have the formating down exactly how I'd like ... but I've added a little light hearted section to my blog that has made me laugh out loud several times now.

At the very very bottom of the page, you will find a random Deep Thoughts excerpt from Saturday Night Live. Every time that you visit, it will pull a new one up.

Enjoy! :)

Miroslav on Nietzsche

Well, just finished up reading "Twilight of the Idols" by Friedrich Nietzsche. If you've never read his stuff, let me just say that its not an easy read. Originally written in German, Nietzsche's works also contain French, Latin, Spanish, Greek, and English. To make matters worse, he often uses puns and parodies that demand an understanding of the original language. Because of this, the book that I read came with a section (equal in length as the work itself) labeled, 'Exlanatory Notes.' Several times in each paragraph, I was referred to the back of the book for explanation of a phrase that Nietzsche was using to make a statement. Nietzsche doesn't pull punches, and he uses his words with intense purpose to challenge the "old" ways of thinking.

Regarding his purpose, Nietzsche writes, "my ambition is to say in ten sentences what everyone else says in a book -- what everyone else does not say in a book...". Regarding Twilight of the Idols he writes, "in plain words: the old truth is coming to an end..."

Here are a couple of quotes from his writings and my thoughts.

Be warned this is a LONG post. For those who care, you should know that I think Nietzsche had a bitchin' cool mustache (I've started growing one like it today!), and somewhere in my ramblings here I refer to him as the Eminem of the 1800's.

Want to know what I'm reading now or whats next on the list? There is a section in the right-hand column towards the bottom.

Ok... carry on.

Let's see them thoughts!

"- I reduce a principle to a formula. Every naturalism in morality -that is, every healthy morality- is dominated by an instinct of life, some commandment of life is fulfilled by a determinate canon of "shalt" and "shalt not"; some inhibition and hostile element on the path of life is thus removed. Anti-natural morality-that is, almost every morality which has so far been taught, revered, and preached-turns, conversely, against the instincts of life: it is condemnation of these instincts, now secret, now outspoken and impudent. When it says, "God looks at the heart," it says No to both the lowest and the highest desires of life, and posits God as the enemy of life ... The saint in whom God delights is the ideal eunuch ... Life has come to an end where the "kingdom of God" begins ..."

As I read this stuff, it strikes me how much of what Nietzsche writes here is accurate. There really isn't too much that I see that is in conflict with the message of Christ. Now, don't get me wrong here. I know that later in his writings, Nietzsche goes on to call God bad and our human 'natural' desires healthy and good and thereby is in direct opposition to Christ. But the point *here* in this brief paragraph is really in alignment with what Jesus taught. The Bible teaches death to self, and here Nietzsche points that out. I mean, really, doesn't the "kingdom of God" really begin when life comes to an end? The call of death to the natural man, re-birth, and denial of self are repeated over and over in the Bible.
And Nietzsche's comment on God saying 'No to both the lowest and the highest desires of life' ... that is true as well. Christ called us to both repent (speaking to the 'lowest' desires of sinful selfishness) and to "hate" our fathers, mothers, and even our own selves (and the love for each of these certainly qualify in my mind as being among the 'highest' desires).

"The most general formula on which every religion and morality is founded is: "Do this and that, refrain from this and that—then you will be happy! Otherwise ..." Every morality, every religion, is this imperative; I call it the great original sin of reason, the immortal unreason. In my mouth, this formula is changed into its opposite-first example of my "revaluation of all values": a well-turned-out human being, a "happy one," must perform certain actions and shrinks instinctively from other actions; he carries the order, which he represents physiologically, into his relations with other human beings and things. In a formula: his virtue is the effect of his happiness ... A long life, many descendants-these are not the wages of virtue: rather virtue itself is that slowing down of the metabolism which leads, among other things, also to a long life, many descendants ... The church and morality say: "A generation, a people, are destroyed by license and luxury." My recovered reason says: when a people approaches destruction, when it degenerates physiologically, then license and luxury follow from this (namely, the craving for ever stronger and more frequent stimulation, as every exhausted nature knows it). ... Every mistake in every sense is the effect of the degeneration of instinct, of the disintegration of the will: one could almost define what is bad in this way. All that is good is instinct-and hence easy, necessary, free."

This section starts off by talking about cause and effect. "Which came first... the chicken or the egg?" type of stuff. Nietzsche challenges the notion that virtue causes hapiness or that "license and luxury" cause the destruction of a people. I do wonder about this sorty of thing quite a bit. It is so easy to cite evidence of virtue by pointing to those who have found their way in life, or as Nietzsche puts it "a well-turned-out human being." And what of those who's life are not so well turned out, I often ask myself. Are they people so devoid of virtue? If we are going to cite one as evidence, we must also look at the other.
Towards the end of the paragraph, Nietzsche briefly touches on how he defines good and bad. Once again we have an odd thing. Christ promises that his "yoke is easy" and his "burden is light." And freedom is cited as one of the most wonderful benefits of faith in Christ. These are also cited by Nietzsche as critically necessary elements to true life. So both Nietzsche and Christ agree on some level. They both agree that these things are important and are evidence of good health and genuine life. But as to the source of this healthy and genuine life. Well, there we find a stark difference in their messages. Christ states with the authority of God that only upon death of self and rebirth in him is it possible. Nietzsche states (with all the boldness and moxy that he can muster up) that the exact opposite is true. Interesting stuff, ain't it?

"To derive something unknown from something familiar relieves, comforts, and satisfies, besides giving a feeling of power. With the unknown, one is confronted with danger, discomfort, and care,--the first instinct is to abolish these painful states. First principle: any explanation is better than none. Since at bottom it is merely a matter of wishing to be rid of oppressive representations, one is not too particular about the means of getting rid of them: the first representation that explains the unknown as familiar feels so good that one "considers it true." ... Thus one searches not only for some kind of explanation to serve as a cause, but for a selected and preferred kind of explanation-that which has most quickly and most frequently abolished the feeling of the strange, new, and hitherto unexperienced: the most habitual explanations.- Consequence: one kind of positing of causes predominates more and more, is concentrated into a system and finally emerges as dominant, that is, as simply precluding other causes and explanations.-- The banker immediately thinks of business," the Christian of "sin," and the girl of her love."

Ah ... the depths of this thought process leads to dangerous territory of the mind! But I must confess that I have had the same thoughts as these! Are we just fooling ourselves? Accepting the most comforting of messages that we find? ...
And then I wonder, when my hope for a returned faith is at its peak, that even as a Christian man I have so turned toward all the images of God in the Bible that are easy palatable: the ones that 'relieve, comfort, and satisfy.' I accept so readily the things that strike me as somewhat 'known' ... the teachings about God the Father, the idea of sacraficial love, and eternal purpose. But what about God the Jealous One? The Angry God who floods the Earth destroying all of his creation but one family? The God who hardens hearts for the purpose of destruction? ... those... I, we, seem so ready and willing to throw away... to explain away...
Oh, Nietzsche, what are you doing to my poor little brain here?

"We no longer have sufficiently high esteem for ourselves when we communicate. Our true experiences are not at all garrulous [tiresomely talkative]. They could not communicate themselves even if they tried: they lack the right words. We have already gone beyond whatever we have words for. In all talk there is a grain of contempt. Language, it seems, was invented only for what is average, medium, communicable. By speaking the speaker immediately vulgarizes himself. -- Out of a morality for deaf-mutes and other philosophers."

This little paragraph is not nearly as critical to the effort of understanding Nietzsche's world perspective. Still, I found it to be very accurate. Sometimes I feel like the moment that I try to put a thought or a feeling to words, the actual thing that I am trying to say escapes in to the vagueties of the words I use. You see ... there I go again!

"Where faith is needed.-- Nothing is rarer among moralists and saints than honesty; perhaps they say the contrary, perhaps they even believe it. For when a faith is more useful, more effective, and more persuasive than conscious hypocrisy, then hypocrisy soon turns instinctively into innocence: first principle for the understanding of great saints. The philosophers are merely another kind of saint, and their whole craft is such that they admit only certain truths: namely those for the sake of which their craft is accorded public sanction- in Kantian terms, truths of practical reason. They know what they must prove; in this they are practical. They recognize each other by their agreement about "the truths."-- "Thou shalt not lie"--in other words, beware, my dear philosopher, of telling the truth ..."

I like how this paragraph ends, more than how it begins. Though I do love the line about how 'hypocrisy turns instinctively into innocence.'
The last part ... the warning ... oh I love that line. Some people, upon hearing the truth of the status of my heart and faith, have struck out at me with such aggression. It was as if my honesty somehow unnerved them. It got under the skin. And so they had no other way of dealing with me, no other tool in their belt, than to call me unfaithful... dishonest... a bringer of harm. Not too unlike the philosophers that Nietzsche refers to here who accept one another until one of them 'tells the truth' (that is to say, one of them speaks of anything but one of the 'accepted truths').

"Morality has always been a Procrustean bed."

A what?! A Procrustean Bed ... thats what. (from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) A very thought provoking metaphor to me.

"Here the view is free.-- It may be nobility of the soul when a philosopher is silent, it may be love when he contradicts himself; and he who has knowledge maybe polite enough to lie. It has been said, not without delicacy: Il est indigne des grand coeurs de répandre le trouble qu'ils ressentent [It is unworthy of great hearts to pour out the disturbance they feel]. But one must add that not to be afraid of the most unworthy may also be greatness of soul. A woman who loves, sacrifices her honor; a knower who "loves" may perhaps sacrifice his humanity; a God who loved became a Jew ..."

Speaking to the point of this paragraph, I think of Yoda. He is the sort of great soul who has deemed in unworthy to pour out the disturbance he feels. ... And then I thought of ObiWan, who died protecting the Light Side. And I said, yeah... its true. There isn't just one way to be great in soul. Some are called to fight. And others, the wise sages, live on to tell the story to the next generation.
At first I found the last part of this quote from Nietzsche to be very perplexing. It was as if he was giving kudos to the God of the Bible, citing him as an example of 'greatness of soul.' But then, I remembered the very sarcastic, witty, playful sort of writer that Nietzsche is. I realized that in referring to Christ in this manner, he was *at best* putting Christ in the category of all the other pantheon of Greek gods and godesses... but more probably Neitzsche was twisting the dagger in to the minds of his readers, those who held some level of respect for Christ. You see, Nietzsche did stuff like that, just to screw with people. And he enjoyed it. He thought it was necessary to shake their world... and sometimes, as I read this, it seemed as thought he said things just for shock value. Like an Eminem of the late 1800's. (there it is, the comparison to Eminem, don't say I didn't warn you!)

"Goethe conceived a human being who would be strong, highly educated, skillful in all bodily matters, self-controlled, reverent toward himself, and who might dare to afford the whole range and wealth of naturalness, being strong enough for such freedom; the man of tolerance, not from weakness but from strength, because he knows how to use to his advantage even that from which the average nature would perish; the man for whom there is no longer anything that is forbidden, unless it be weakness, whether called vice or virtue ... Such a spirit who has become free stands amid the cosmos with a joyous and trusting fatalism, in the faith that only the particular is loathesome, and that all is redeemed and affirmed in the whole--he does not negate anymore ... Such a faith, however, is the highest of all possible faiths: I have baptized it with the name Dionysus."
On Dinoysus - "In Nietzsche's later philosophy the 'Dionysian' element of (intoxicated) affirmation comes increasingly to predominate in his thinking and self-perception: the Apollonian and Dionysan are no longer in tension but allied (the former being effectively subsumed by the latter, since both are now 'conceived as types of intoxication'), for Nietzsche now conceives the crucial opposition to be that between the Dionysian and the life-denying force of Christianity, as the final words of Ece Homo make clear: 'Have I been understood? -- Dionysus against the Crucified...'

At the end of all of this, Nietzsche brings his thoughts to a fine point. He describes with almost heroic language his version of the "highest of all possible faiths." He also makes it painfully clear that his version is in direct conflict with the faith called for by Christ. And Dionysus? A Greek god borrowed from another people ... a god of many versions ... Nietzsche's version of Dionysus is a god of wine and raw instinct. You can read more here. Or more about the gnarly female followers of Dionysus, the Maenads, here.

Nietzsche applauds the natural man.
Christ calls for his death.
It can be said no more simply than that.

30-Second Bunnies

Ok. My next three posts will be real, Miroslav posts. I promise... But until then, enjoy this light hearted link. My favorite is JAWS. (The little clickable bunny at the end of the clip is what makes it the winner in my book!)

Which one do you like best?

Angry Alien's 30-Second Bunnies Theatre Collection

This link was ganked from Aaron's New Blog.

"Orgasmic Worship"

The Mimmenblog has got a zinger of a post. Church folks ought to sound off.

Here is the link:
"Orgasmic Worship - the topic few want to talk about, except me."

Miro Muses About Bilbo

On Monday, as I wrote The Sword of the Unspeakable, old Bilbo Baggins came to mind. I don't have any real conclusions or even a purpose to my post. Just thoughts.

Read more...I thought about how pleasant Bilbo Baggins seemed as he ventured off in to the unknown. He seemed so peaceful and happy as he parted ways with the Ring he had discovered. But later in the movie, there was a subtle, yet very present, soberness about him. Even though he was safe from harm and was living the high life, it was as if part of him would never be satisfied apart from the company of the Ring. He had been given a deep knowledge that kept him from enjoying even the richness of all that was around him. The Ring did something ... special for him. Something unique. And yet, he also knew exactly the sort of person that he will become if he allowed himself to have the Ring. Bilbo had seen Golem. And so he was glad, in some respects, to have parted ways with the Ring ... but there was a part of himself that he knew would forever be left wanting in doing so.

Anyhow... that is all I have on the subject. Just musings. :)

The Consumer-Drive Life

Either today just happens to be a day that I find some really good stuff out there in blogland, or I am too lazy to write anything good on my own. I'm not sure. Either way, here is a great quote ganked from a post on The Mimmenblog :

"Nothing could show better the late nineteenth-century Protestant Church's altered identity as an eager participant in the emerging consumer society than its obsession with popularity and its increasing disregard of intellectual issues." ~Ann Douglas

Still true today? Sadly, me thinks it could be.

Don't get me started...

Oops. Too late. She already did.

Part of my inspiration for starting this blog was from a gal named Heather Ann ... I've never met her, but she went through a loss of her faith and blogged it from A - Z. Its a good read... long, but good. (You can find a link to that section of her blog via the quote at the bottom of my blog.)

Anyhow, I check her blog from time to time and today I saw a thought provoking entry.

(at least I think it is)

Check it out!

PityMe...No Dough(NUTS!)...G(35)rassroots Efforts

Three totally random thoughts today.

Read 'em and weep.................
Last night I had dinner with my Crazy Uncle (one of many crazy uncles I have, really). I shared with him a kind note that my father-in-law mailed me. I went on to tell my Crazy Uncle about how neat it is for me to have people around me that love and care for me during this difficult time of life. My Uncle said that its probably because of my "Pity Blog."
Psh... see if I ever buy HIM dinner again. ;)
................
And then this morning, I'm running late to the office but have an empty stomach. I stop by the doughnut shop in hopes of a Cinnamon Roll and some Vitamin D Milk. As I head inside I realize I'm broke... only $2.39 on me. "Aha! Back to the car..." I think to myself. "There is always loose change in the car!" ... Well, I then discovered one really lame thing about having a nice and clean car. No spare change laying around. I remember 'back in the day' when my junker cars would ALWAYS have enough money in the seats or ashtray to buy me and a friend a good sized lunch at Taco Bell. And now, here I have this awesome new car ... plenty of money in the bank ... and I can't come up with enough cash for what I want at the doughnut shop. Bah.
................
And speaking about cars... so I have this sweet 2-door sports car that I bought last year. I had always wanted to have a cool ride like SuperRon had when I was in HighSchool. SuperRon owned a Classic Blue 4x4 JEEP. We rode around in that thing like we were the cat's meow. Well, hey, lets just be honest. We were. (Right MT3SA and Janice?) Anyhow... the coolest thing about that JEEP, in my eyes, (besides the four-wheel-drive action, the wind in our hair, and how many babes we got because of it) ... was the fact that everywhere we went, fellow JEEP owners would honk and wave. We were in some sort of secret JEEP club. Ha! See how I'm saying 'we'? I was really just riding SuperRon's coattails, but it FELT like I was in the club too... thats how cool it was.
So all that to say that when I bought my sports car, an Infiniti G-35, I just assumed that I would automatically be in the Secret-Ultra-Kewl-G35-Owner's-Club. I figured everywhere I'd go, there would be this bond... an unspoken brotherhood between us G35 owners. I was sad to discover that no... No such thing existed. How did I discover it? Well, I honked at every G35 I saw. I waved at the drivers. I pulled right up next to the window of other G35 owners and honked and waved. I honked and waved again and again...... and what did I get? Nothing. Ok, well, one person may have thought they knew me and waved as a knee jerk reaction, but I saw the smile on their face turn to a frown as they realized that I was a complete stranger. They probably ended up thinking that I was stalking them or was going to car jack them or something. Argh. "What a waste of money this stupid car was... there isn't even a secret club for us owners."
But then it struck me. That JEEP club had to start SOMEWHERE, right? Somebody had to get the ball rolling on it. And so, thats what I've decided to do. A grassroots effort. Every time I see a G35, I will see an opportunity to birth this Secret-Ultra-Kewl-G35-Owner's-Club. I will honk. I will wave. I will do it again and again until they all 'get it'.
I hope I don't get shot.
................

Told you they were random.

You Dirty Rat

You've gotta love that smell. You know, the smell of DEATH that follows a couple of weeks after you place the rat poison ... ugh. It STINKS.

Read more ...Well, my wife and I have been living with the stench in our garage for the past week or so. I couldn't find where it was coming from. Over the last couple of days, we've left our garage door open a bit to let it air out and tonight, when I went in the garage it smelled good again. Finally! But... what was that smell? ... ooh... I caught a wiff again. (gag) ... but since the whole garage wasn't permeated by it, I was able to track it down.

Anyhow, being the type of guy that I am, I promptly thought, "Now... who could I call that would be willing to come over here and get this thing out of here?" My wife said, "Hey, my brother is a *real* man, why don't you call him over?" ... To which I replied, "Sounds great!" ..... LOL! Seriously... oh man... I'm dying of laughter over here. ... So I called him up and he came right on over in between the two episodes of 24. What a guy. Can't beat that type of friendship. I shall now call him, SuperRon!

Oh. I did do something else. I snapped a couple of photos. hehe. I know, I'm a sick man. But hey, what can I do about it? Gotta go with my strengths.

Here is the little guy sleeping. Awwwww... how cute.

And YES, thats a maggot on his head. He was chalk full of them little white nasties. His whole belly was squirming about. PUKE! Just flat out disgusting. Worst part is... I ate rice tonight.

The Sword of the Unspeakable

Wrote this poemish thing the other night. I was feeling extremely torn. Torn between what/who I love and what I desire. Torn between what I desire and what I want (there IS a difference you know). Torn between what I want and what I need. Torn between meeting my needs and meeting the needs of those things/people I love.

And as I pondered these things and shared them with my wife... I realized one of the most wonderful things about our relationship. We can go there. Where? ANYWHERE. Nothing is off limits. I am so glad for that! We can talk for real. She ain't afraid. No, strike that. She IS afraid. But she goes there anyway. What a woman.

On to the poem!I have also come to realize something that is of equal importance. Something regarding prudence, or temperance... (but none of those descriptions really hit the mark). What I have learned is somewhere here in this poem. Something about the cost of difficult conversations, of revealed desire, of complete transparent honesty. There are risks. There are hurts that will be caused by this... this... this... Sword of the Unspeakable.

The Sword of the Unspeakable

Unspeakable thoughts.
I am not willing to pay the cost.
I will not bear the responsibility,
of making you feel that way.

Prudence? Temperance?
Compassionate bridling is a little closer.
But that is far too innocent a description
if I'm being honest.

My hand burns every time that I touch the hilt of this blade
that was mysteriously placed at my side in the middle of the night.
Something deep inside of me feels compelled to learn its balance.
I want to master this like I have other weapons in the past.

I have wielded this new iron on occasion.
Unsheathed and in my grip, it felt so ... foreign.
It wobbled as I extended my arm.
I could hardly bear the weight.

The thing cuts like a knife, I assure you of that much.
Just look at me. My leg. My arm. My heart.
All nicked by just the tip.
And yet, these wounds simply will not heal.

As a matter of fact, a healthy fear strikes me
when I so much as think of this beast of a sword that is bound to me.
I am scared to hold it for too long. And scared to let it out of my sight.
I've seen, and felt, what it can do.

But a powerful and undeniable fascination is equally at play here.
"My precious!" ... I am entranced and imprisoned by its power.
With even the small amount of understanding I have of THIS blade,
everything else looks like a dull butter knife. And too ... safe.

Despite the fear and the fascination that plague me
Or the fact that hauling this blade around is slowly breaking me ...
The Sword of the Unspeakable will remain here:
Kept on my hip ... and in my heart. For better, or for worse.

History, Hitler, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
~George Santayana

"What if Adolf Hitler would have had nuclear arms?"
~Miroslav

Read this article from CNN.

It feels good

Oh how good it feels to have conversation free of expectation or limitation or fear or guilt. Just to be True, Honest, and Deep. It takes a lot of guts you know. And it takes a trustworthy audience.

Intriguing... I want to know more!My wife and I enjoyed a great night out on the town with some lovely friends. I exposed just about every dark crevice in my heart to them. Shared the type of stuff that my wife and I talk about at 2am. I wonder how this will affect our future interactions with one another. But, you know what ... I am happy to have been honest and entirely open with them. Let the chips fall where they may, I say. (Probably in part because of the three Long Islands I had.) hehe...

We discussed just about everything under the sun... God, faith, sex, faithfulness, child sacrifice, church drama, you name it. From 6:30pm to 11:00pm we talked, ate, and laughed. The waitress kept hitting on me trying to get a bigger tip out of us. She would scrunch up her nose every time she came around the table. hehe... silly girl. That may have worked back twenty years ago in the I Dream Of Jeannie days, but not now. Everybody kept teasing me because I was the only one drinking and I kept talking really loudly... loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear.

Good times. Good times.

One of the subjects we talked about was the strange conflict of desire that exists inside of me. For as good a time as we had, the reality remains that I am still quite a conflicted person. In an attempt to decribe how I was feeling inside I referenced a song by Elton John (of all people). For those of you not familiar, here it is. If you can't relate to the sentiment expressed...
Be glad of it.



I Want Love by Elton John

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

A man I know.

You will never guess who got invited to speak at this year's AIPAC Policy Conference in Washington, D.C. (AIPAC = The American Israel Public Affairs Commitee). Ok, some of you will guess who I'm talking about. But wow, isn't that crazy?

From the website: "Last year featured addresses by top policymakers including Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and the leadership of Congress." ... And now, my very own daddy-o is gonna' be there. Invited to speak. Just amazing.

I'm going. Shoot, even before my dad was invited to speak I had decided to go just to stand against Iran. They have a nutcase of a president who has repeatedly made public statements about his hope that Israel and the United States will come to literal destruction. All the while, he is moving forward with nuclear research and buying arms as fast as he can. (Jan. 11, 2006 CNN article here.)

I was originally going out to D.C. to make my voice heard and now I get the added benefit of hearing my dad's voice! The conference is a three day deal during the first week of March.

One proud kid here.

Alone

Is it just me?

God does it feel like it...

Miroslav Sez...

The Danger of Depth

It takes quite an accident,
or quite the fool,
to die by way of a tide pool.

But give it enough time
and even a man of great endurance
will drown in deep waters.

The simple things in life

Sometimes you just have to take the time to stop... adopt a virtual pet... and throw it a bone, ya know?

Ok. Back to work.

Free Laptop

Hey there you way-cool-blog-readin'-cats...

I need some suggestions. I have a laptop that is in so-so condition that I'm looking to find a good home for. Its battery doesn't work (must always be plugged in to use). And the built in mouse pad is broken (you have to use an external mouse). Other than that... it is a functional computer. Good for writing letters, browsing the web, etc. I would guess its two years old(ish).

I'm going to turn off comments on this particular post, so if you have a suggestion, please email me. If you don't know my email address, you can use: miroslavsmusings[at]gmail.com

(replace the [at] above with the @ symbol ...)

In a way.

Auntie Lamb wrote, "Well, yeah, that's better. But it's not you--is it?"

Yeah... it is, kinda.

Atlas was "condemned ... to stand at the ... edge of the earth and hold up the heavens on his shoulders..." ~From Wikipedia

And me...
Looking for God.
At the doorsteps of the Church.
With the weight of the world on my shoulders.

How Miroslav Got His Groove Back

"The groove is in the heart."
~Deee-Lite

This may very well be one of the most important posts that I've written to date. No joke. Maybe you won't understand how I could say that. You might not get it. But thats ok; I'm not writing it for your sake.

I will always remember December 31, 2005 as the night that I got my groove back. But already I am getting ahead of myself. Let me back up a bit.

The groove is back? Read more here...It must have been about seven or eight years ago that it all started. Or stopped as the case may be. Yes, that sounds about right... seven or eight years ago. But I didn't even realize that things had changed until more recently. The realization part must have happened about a year ago.

You see, I had become content to believe my excuses. After all, I did have grand mal seizures; was on medication even. And other times I was depressed. And then there were times when the setting wasn't quite right... or the sound system was weak... or the music selection stunk. The list went on and on. But at a certain point, I had to accept the facts:
I had forgotten how to dance.

"There are short-cuts to happiness,
and dancing is one of them."
~Vicki Baum

I remember my first couple of years out of high school. Back then, I loved to dance. Madonna hit it just about spot on with her song Into the Groove: "Music can be such a revelation / Dancing around you feel the sweet sensation / I hope this feeling never ends tonight / Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free." Yes, that is how it felt back in those days. The music provided a strange sort of revelation and the dancing, a sweet sensation. I loved it. I remember just letting loose as the pulsing bass beat pushed me around the darkened dance floor. Lights flashed brilliantly. Sounds of laughter came from my friends around me. We played silly little games with one another. Laughed at somebody's rendition of the RunningMan or CabbagePatch. I got psyched to hear Welcome to the Jungle come blaring out of the speakers so we could form an impromptu mosh pit. I would dance and groove until my entire body was completely saturated in sweat. Four hours after I had started, the legs would just give out on me. Though I never wanted to, for that night, I had to stop.

"Movement never lies. It is a barometer
telling the state of the soul's weather."
~Martha Graham

Is dancing something that you can forget how to do? Isn't it kind of like riding a bike or tying your shoes? Thats what I had always thought. Sure, it takes some time to learn, but once you get it, you get it for good. Well, it turns out I was wrong.

So how did I forget how to dance? I suppose 'forget' is probably not a very accurate depiction of what happened. No... I think it somehow became buried inside of me. It may have all started when I started having seizure activity one day at a friend's wedding back when the doctors still didn't have my medication nailed down yet and were testing different dosages on me. I didn't collapse into a full blown seizure or anything, but it was enough to make me get off the dance floor. The whole thing just pissed me off and put a real damper on my dancing mood for the entire night. At that time, my seizures had already robbed me of my driver's license, my ability to work, the ability to play sports, and the freedom to stay awake past midnight. Looking back, I believe that having this seizure activity while trying to dance was the straw that broke this camel's back and dug a grave in my heart where I would unknowingly bury my dancing spirit. Over the years I threw things on top of it that drove it deeper. Without even realizing it, I shoveled oppressive Depression and Inhibition on top of the grave, effectively all but destroying part of me that I really enjoyed.

"We're fools whether we dance or not,
so we might as well dance."
~Japanese Proverb

So I was danceless for quite a while. But not entirely. For when I was alone, I could let loose. In my car I would pump up the volume... sing/scream at the top of my lungs... and jive like there was no tomorrow. I was the lead singer, percussionist, and dancing audience at the same time (don't act like you don't do the same thing...). Something similar would happen when I was with my kids and my wife in the privacy of our own home. After a long day's work, my little boy would greet my at the door and say, "Daddy, play Ctn Eyd Jo!" ... and so I'd head to my computer and pull up Cotton Eyed Joe and I would take his little hand and body and dance with him until we both worked up a sweat. My wife would join us dancing around with my daughter Ella. It was fun. We were happy, all of us. I could completely let loose when I was alone and could do the same with my family. But why was I limited to that? Why did things become different when I was at a birthday party or a wedding reception?

I had become trapped in my head somehow. I really don't care to identify exactly what it was that trapped me. Maybe depression. Maybe an overly analytical mind. Maybe frustration with my seizure crap. I'm not sure. But when my wife took me to San Francisco for my most recent birthday, I told her on the way home that I was done being a prisoner. The next time I had the chance... I would dance, damn it.

I figured that if I can be a fool in private, then I should most certainly be able to be a fool in public.

"Socrates learned to dance when he was seventy because he felt that an essential part of himself had been neglected." ~Source Unknown

How to get my point across here. ... Have you ever laughed so hard that your whole body ached afterwards? I have. Maybe it has been a long time for you. Maybe it hasn't happened since grade school. Or maybe you are lucky enough to have experienced that kind of laughter more recently. But imagine if you forgot how to laugh like that. Imagine that your mind, your inhibitions, your worries, your insecurities... imagine that those things had actually silenced the laughter in your life ... just choked it right out of you. Imagine being limited to only a courtesy chuckle. Or a cynic's smirk. What a woeful life that would be! And can't you just picture people you know who live like that? I sure can. What a horrible thing it must be... and many of them probably don't even have the slightest clue as to their condition! Life without the ability to have a genuine laugh just can't be much of a life at all.

In a similar manner, I had experienced the loss of what I believe to be a critical liberty. Not the liberty to laugh, but the liberty to dance. I put a quote up top regarding Socrates learning to dance at a late age because he realized he had neglected something his entire life. There really is something to be said for that. I believe that like laughter, dancing is healthy. I don't believe its just for some. I believe its for everyone. No rhythm you say? No problem. No moves? No problem. Trust me... I've got just about zilch-o in the RicoSuave department. But you know what? As far as I'm concerned, its not at all about the moves, its about the spirit. A horrible, offbeat dancer with two left feet who is out on the dance floor groovin' to the music with a zest for life gets a lot more out of the night than the guy sitting on the sidelines holding up the wall. Every single time.

Why?... *CLICHE PUKE ALERT* ... Because life is meant to be experienced. You can't experience life while you are sitting in a chair or holding up the wall thinking about life. You just have to L-I-V-E it!

So... all that to bring you up to speed on what occurred on New Year's Eve. I was determined to dance that night, or die trying. Well, death is a little much, ... but I was committed to the effort, even to the point of having seizures. Not joking. Ok, you obviously don't believe me... but I'm telling you the truth. It was totally within the realm of possibility that I could have totally seized up out there and fallen flat on my face. I would have gotten up and tried again. I was that determined.

"Dancing with the feet is one thing,
but dancing with the heart is another."
~Anonymous

I had tried to dig up my dancing spirit on several other occasions before this one. It never really worked. I could do the Conga Line or an occasionally slow dance with my wife. But I could never break out of my mental prison for long enough to get my groove on. Something clicked inside of me on New Year's Eve though...

I was trying to explain all of this to my wife and I think I came up with a great example. Do you know the intro to the TV show Friends? Well, in one part of the intro, all of the friends go running hand in hand and jump in to a big ol' fountain. They aren't wearing bathing suits. They don't have towels. And its in the middle of the night, so they have got to be absolutely freezing. But do you know why that little clip is in there? Its because all of us want to live like that. Deep down we do. We want to live life fully. Not foolishly, per se. But sometimes I think we just get so caught up in the details... in the specifics... in the cares and worries... that life just goes rushing past us. Then, the parts of us that are meant to be adventurous and risk taking end up being ignored and somehow morph us in to deviant, addictive, self-medicating fools who just rot away shaking our finger at those who are courageous enough to actually live how we only wish we could. We make them out to be insane just because we can't hear the music, or, I would argue, perhaps we just don't have the courage to get up and dance to it. Or is that just me?

I remember the day that I dedicated myself to dancing. If you want to know exactly what was in my mind, I just said to myself, "You know what, F(orget) it all. I'm just going to let it all hang out and let the chips fall where they may. I'm sick of the shackles of my mind. I'm gonna bust loose. If I have to become a blabbering drunk to get there... or fall flat on my face from a seizure... so be it. I refuse to live my life from the sidelines caught up in my head a prisoner to my own thoughts!"

And that night, New Year's Eve, it was funny. I had actually expected to get totally hammered. I envisioned drinking like five or six shots of Tequila to get my brain to turn off long enough for me to remember how to dance. But lo' and behold... the wedding reception served only wine. And I hate wine. But remember, I was dedicated. So I downed three or four glasses of champagne over the course of our nine course meal. Got a tiny buzz going, but nothing like what I was originally shooting for. By the time the dessert was served, the buzz was gone. Totally gone. And so I thought I was going to fall short again on my efforts to dance. I thought that I would once again end up going out on the dance floor for a song or two only to leave afterwards dejected that I couldn't find my inner rhythm. To make matters worse, one of my uncles came up to me right as the music and dancing started and began a soul wrenching conversation about this blog, my faith, and whether or not the Local Church is a cult. Now, I have no problem entering in to those types of conversations, and I think I would have actually really enjoyed talking with this uncle about it... but right before re-learning how to dance, a serious conversation like that has got to be one of the worst things possible. It would be like if you were going to try to have a nice care free night on the town and one of your parents call you to tell you they are having problems in their marriage, ya know?

So the cards were stacked against me. I told my uncle I had to go join my wife on the dance floor... but I stopped a few feet away from the floor and watched the crowd dance for a song or two. The complaints started mounting in my mind. The music was too quiet. And the bass? Don't get me started. And what kind of songs were these that the guy was playing? ... Excuse after excuse came up. But then I saw my wife dancing. The smile on her face. The freedom. The joy. And I became jealous. ... "F(orget) it all... I'm gonna dance!" ... and I went out on the dance floor.

"To dance is to be out of yourself.
Larger, more beautiful, more powerful."
~Agnes De Mille

I was just like a man who hasn't ridden a bike since he was a kid. I stumbled at first. Wobbled back and forth... but ultimately found what had been buried inside of me for so long. I danced, and jumped, and skipped... and probably looked like an idiot. But I don't care. I was dancing. I was free. I was sweating. I was laughing. I felt like a liberated man. Like the Berlin Wall had just fallen. Like I was running through a forest without getting tired. I felt sexy. I felt whole. Complete. And all of this... without a single thought in my head. I wasn't analyzing. I wasn't thinking. I was living. My groove was back. And I loved it.

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

So why would I say that this is the most important post to date? Well, you have to realize that the point to the whole thing is not dancing, you know. Its like... a way of life, man (think hippy talk here).

Are you gittin' what I'm spittin'? This is about living life!

You see, I am convinced that many people are content to sit and watch as life passes them by. I had become one of these types in some areas. From personal experience I know that becoming a bystander to life is a tragic occurrence. ... "DEAD MAN WALKING!" ... Do you know what I mean? What regret we would live with should we lose the freedom and/or ability to do the things that our heart needs so desperately!

As I said earlier, I think dancing is a lot like laughter. Or love even. Everybody needs it. We won't all be Fred Astaires... but thats not the point. The point is to enjoy the liberty that we have. Fighting it, denying it, ... leaves us less alive than if we were to embrace it. If we refuse to dance, to laugh, to love, we become trapped. We become victims of our fears, or insecurities, or pride. We stop hearing the music.

But as for me, I'm done with that crap. The music is back baby. From now on, I choose to be a free man. I choose to laugh. I choose to dance. I choose to love. I choose to L-I-V-E. Heck, I may even jump in to a fountain the next time I see one.

Blue Like Jazz

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller came at the recommendation of my step-dad. I had never heard of it at the time and already had a ton of other, more classical books on my "to-read" list. So I didn't plan on reading it for quite a while. Last month, my wife and I made a trip down south for several days and while we were there I grabbed my step-dad's copy and starting reading it. It sucked me in. I finished seventeen of the twenty chapters before we left and promptly ordered my own copy from Amazon as soon as I got back home. Slight shipping delay b/c of the holidays... but I finally received the book and have just finished it.

My rating? 5 Thumbs Up! (out of 5, in case you are wondering)

Read on...This book is an extremely easy read. Thats not to say it isn't deep or thought provoking. It is. But it reads like ... well, a blog. Its as if Donald Miller has kept a record of his heart's course through life over the past five years or so, organized it, boiled it down, and put it on paper for all to see. I like that he is honest about his prejudices ("against very religious people"), his ignorant assumptions ("First you live in community, and then you drink punch and die."), and his purpose for writing the book ("I want Jesus to happen to you the way He happened to [us]. This book is about the songs my friends and I are singing. This is what God is doing in our lives. But what song will you sing when your soul gets set free? I think it will be something true and beautiful.").

Some quotes from the book that I found to be either funny or thought provoking:
**************************
RE: Pride and Prejudice being "the heart of the woman"... and after admitting he couldn't make it through the book b/c it was too boring -
"I keep the book on my shelf because girls come into my room , sit on my couch, and eye the books on the adjacent shelf. You have a copy of Pride and Prejudice, they exclaim in a gentle sigh and smile. Yes, I say. Yes, I do."
**************************
"The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me."
**************************
"I was talking to a homeless man at a laundry mat recently, and he said that when we reduce Christian spirituality to math we defile the Holy."
**************************

Anyhow... I won't bore you by typing a bunch of quotes from somebody else. But I do highly recommend the book.

Get it. Read it. Thank me for it later.

Random Stuff

As life happens, I tend to find these little things that I want to do blog entries on. Unfortunately, I don't always find the time to do so. Because of this, I'm left with this whole list of stuff "TO BLOG". Its stressing me out having such a long list. Thats just kind of how I work. I don't like stuff hanging over my head to do, ya know?

Anyhow with that said. Here is a completely random brain dumping of things that I've wanted to throw on the blog but haven't done so because I wanted to do each topic justice. Well... forget that. Here it is ... RAW. Enjoy. Or not.

Initiate Brain Dump. Read more here.*********************************

C.S. Lewis

Read an article in U.S. News about him. Great quote regarding friendship (which was a topic we've discussed in depth here): from The Four Loves, "what draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it." Such an accurate point. Its just true, ya know? Doesn't it always just feel great to be with people that see things the same way you do? Its... affirming. Reassuring. Comfortable. Doesn't feel like a constant fight to swim upstream.

Next point... Saw the movie The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe with my wife on a date night. One quote stood out to me regarding Edmond, the betrayer: "Only Aslan can help your brother now..." Also, there was a thought that hit me in the beginning of the movie, and again at the end. This image struck me of ramming my head in to the back of the wardrobe trying to enter in to the wonderful land of Narnia again. Thats how I've felt. I knew it existed. And suddenly, my portal was gone. Suddenly, and without cause. The door was shut. I ran instinctively back to the wardrobe as I had always done... but this time my nose was bloodied by the back of it. I rammed in to it, again and again. It didn't budge. And now... I wonder. Did such a place as Narnia ever exist or was it perhaps just my imagination?

Next point... on Edmond: Aslan was so stinking nice to him. I leaned over to my wife and said, "Now that Aslan... thats a god I could believe in!" ... That is the sort of god that is preached from our pulpits you know. Not the God who zaps people who screw up while carrying HisTemple, or the God who creates some vessels for destruction, or the God who come to pit son against father. Mr. D wrote a nice little piece on this subject here.

*********************************

God and Legos

A friend of mine sent me this link. I thought *I* had a lot of free time on my hands.
http://www.thebricktestament.com

*********************************

On interviews...

I interviewed about ten people over the past two weeks for two positions I was hiring for. A certain sadness came over me as I realized that the capitalist system of economics really poses some challenges. Well, you know, that isn't even really the point. Its not so much capitalism that is the problem. Its just that as I interviewed the candidates... I realized that the people who were the most talented, most well spoken, and most attractive were more most eligible for the job as well as a higher wage. I mean, hey, that is just reality. But the other folks, the ones who spoke in ebonics and didn't have any sort of goals in life as far as a career is concerned and who didn't dress as nicely... well, I just sort of saw them living out a certain destiny of mediocrity in the business world. I realized that these were also the people who needed the money more than anybody else and yet, they were destined to a fairly low level of income. Then I was reminded of how our credit system works... you know, people who already have the money can borrow as much as they want and the people who are broke won't be lent much at all. Anyhow, I'm rambling here.... for some reason I became a little bit heartbroke over the whole situation. The whole pain and injustice of life thing. Just a new angle on it I suppose.

*********************************

How Miroslav Got His Groove Back...

Hmmm.... no, this one needs its own post. Gonna have to work on that tonight.

*********************************

On sex

Why is there such a stigma about sex and nudity? I mean, hey, we are all naked... under our clothes of course. And don't we all love sex? I guess not.... actually, I know that isn't true. We don't all love sex. Lots of people HATE it because of abuse, or guilt, or insecurity, or fear, or confusion. I'm just baffled that for how large an issue the subject is in our lives (wether you are talking about our self esteem, or sexual desires, or sexual abuses), it is NEVER talked about. Seriously, the next time you are at a friends house try bringing up the subject. Red faces, nervous laughter, changing the subject. ... And of course, its not difficult to identify the source of our avoidance of the topic. It is certainly the result of our upbringing and the Christian society in which we live. And thats not to say that all Christians are prudes or that only the Christian religion teaches modesty. ... not sure where I'm going with this. Just a musing. A random thought. I was going to do a big ol' entry on the subject complete with a study on people groups who are more open with sexuality and nudity (like the 'savage' people in the undiscovered lands or the hippies or ... them crazy 'liberated' folks in Europe).

*********************************

The 'REAL' Slim Shady

Last night we were treated to a wonderful evening of dinner and gabbing with some new friends-in-the-making from church. Was a great time. The wife of this couple said several times that she was 'intrigued' by my situation (I shared some of my faith challenge stuff with them). I've also been approached by um... I'll guess FOURTEEN people (hehe..., inside joke) ... that have said they have really enjoyed my blog. People I haven't talked to about hardly anything in years. People I barely know. So... the word is getting out there I guess. Which is cool. I mean, I'll be honest. I like that. Its not my purpose in doing this whole blog thing... but I do like the attention. I've got no problem admitting it.

Gotta bust out some censored and edited lyrics here from Eminem's Without Me: "I've created a monster, cuz nobody wants to/ see *my real name here* no more they want *Miroslav* I'm chopped liver" ... "they start feeling like prisoners helpless, 'til someone comes along on a mission and yells *"I DON'T BELIEVE!"*/ A visionary, vision is scary," ... "But sometimes it just seems, everybody only wants to discuss me/ So this must mean I'm disgusting"

Ok... that lyric quote didn't quite work out to be as cool as I thought it would be... but oh well. At least its off the "TO BLOG" list.

*********************************

Ok. That is all. My list is empty once again. Well almost. I just finished Blue Like Jazz so I've got to write a short review of that... and I still have to do my entry on how I got my groove back. But I feel a lot better now.

Chapter 8 - Life Goes On . . . kinda'

And so my wife and I left the church of our youth and in so doing began a completely new chapter in our lives. Well, mostly new.

There is MORE?! Read it. Now.We did leave NH. Never went back. Tried probably... um close to twelve churches in our city. But as we tried to move on with our lives, I realized that there was a ton of emotional baggage remaining. What was I to make of all that was going on at our old church? I had witnessed and experienced betrayal, lies, and abusive leadership. Pillars of my life had fallen around me. Role models, social structure, pastoral relationships... now all lay in ruin. And I had seen my dad make the biggest mistake of his life. But despite his mistake, I knew that he was being wrongly accused as he left.

And so I lost sleep trying to reason through it all. I didn't make any progress. I prayed and heard nothing. And then, one night something popped out from the Bible that spoke clarity into my immediate dilemma. To understand this entry from here on out, would be best if you would take a minute and read Psalm 69. But with that said, i will share part of what I found that night (along with my thoughts on the verses). This Psalm gave me such a clear vision of Truth that I called my dad the very next day and shared with him my 'discovery'.

Psalm 69

1 Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.
My thoughts: Yes... this is my dad alright. Every friend he had walked with had betrayed him in his time of need. He was sinking. He was engulfed. No foothold in sight.

3 I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.
My thoughts: Yup. He had called. With no answer. No vindication. No help. No God in sight.

4 Those who hate me without reason outnumber the hairs of my head; many are my enemies without cause, those who seek to destroy me. I am forced to restore what I did not steal.
My thoughts: His accusers seemed to multiply as the days went on. People out of the woodwork! "Oh yes... we always knew he was this way" sort of stuff. Ugh. But read that last part... ooh that was so powerful. Forced to restore what I did not steal. Such a great way to put it.

5 You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you.
My thoughts: Ah. Guilt DID exist, but not in the way the accuser believes it. WOW. wow. WOW. A huge revelation from this simple verse. It dawned on me that David was guilty. He was guilty before God for many things. But that didn't change the fact that his enemy, Saul, was acting unjustly. And then another thing hit me. I remembered Israel, God's chosen people, who were actually punished by the unjust. Yes, God even USED the unjust in order to discipline his Beloved. Holy Smokes! I GOT IT! My father had failed to protect the flock as a leader in as much as he failed to lay it all on the line to fight for what he knew to be right every time. He had allowed the leadership to stray in to abusiveness and had become like them in some ways. But then, after personal pain, my dad finally realized the error of his ways. He repented and took action to course correct... and God, in His mercy, disciplined my dad for his failures. Using the unjust leadership of NH (as Babylon conquered Israel) and under a false pretense (as Israel was overtaken via military), my father was disciplined by God for his failures as a leader. WOW. I got it. It finally made sense. God was not absent. Just ... Mysterious. His work was to be found deeper than what a quick look would find. Justice would prevail. If not here, than in the hereafter for sure. And how great it was that my dad got it now... even thought it was such a terrible price to pay... surely it was grace in action. How much more terrible for those who do not repent!

6 May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel.
My thoughts: And here an addressing of the obvious effect that all of this would have on others. And a placing of that burden at the feet of God. Just as he was doing by holding his tongue.

7 For I endure scorn for your sake, and shame covers my face.
8 I am a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my own mother's sons;
9 for zeal for your house consumes me, and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
10 When I weep and fast, I must endure scorn;
11 when I put on sackcloth, people make sport of me.
12 Those who sit at the gate mock me, and I am the song of the drunkards.
13 But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation.
14 Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters.
15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me.
16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me.
17 Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
18 Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.
19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed; all my enemies are before you.
My thoughts: I couldn't figure my dad out. Why wouldn't he stand up for himself? Stand up and make things right!! Get the truth out there. Go out there and fight fight fight! I so wanted him to FIX things. He was enduring such scorn and shame, insults and mocking. But why? But when I read these verses, I thought of David. I remembered when he had the chance to kill Saul and realized it wasn't his calling... it wouldn't be right. Instead he had to trust God to do things in His timing. And so David waited. And endured hardship. So did my dad.

20 Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none.
21 They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar for my thirst.
My thoughts: Oh man did this ring true. Scorn has broken my heart. Powerful. Accurate. Painful. True. Looked for sympathy but found none. No comforters.

Verses 22 - 36
My thoughts: A call for justice and a statement of faith that God will deliver.

***********************

I can't remember exactly how or when... but at a certain point I shared this revelation with both my dad and my step-mom. They were both strangely quiet. At first, I thought I had offended them. But then, as I looked in to their eyes, I realizedthat what I spoke had struck them deep in their hearts. Perhaps they had already known to be true what I shared. Maybe it was nothing new to them. I've never asked. But they both agreed. They both nodded and said, "Yes. That is so true. We are so lucky to have experienced all of this and we even the painful part is by the grace of God." ... They owned up to the failure part. Like David, my dad is not too proud to admit that he sinned. Greatly even. But just as Israel's lack of faith did not justify Babylon's pillaging of Israel's land and people, neither did my father's failures justify the eldership of NH attacking him.

And this new vision of things gave even more clarity what my dad's fog may have been. Why did he give in to the pressure and take responsibility for everything, knowing what he knew? He isn't that type of guy. He is a strong man. Willing to live and die for the RightThing. Anybody that knows him knows that much. But now... with a little more vision of things... I began to see that perhaps it was God Himself who weakened my father's resolve in order that he might be lead to walk through a crucible similar to the one he, as an elder at NH, had made others walk through. Perhaps only by walking through the betrayal and abuse would my father fully come to understand the severity of his mistakes and learn from them, and in so doing would be forgiven and come to know God in a whole new way.

After all, sometimes you have to kill Uriah... ;)

Days turned in to weeks.... then months... then years. As time has gone by, more and more people at NH have begun to discover the same things that my father had discovered. Hundreds have left the church.

And my fathers friends who had falsely accused him? Well, they came and asked for forgiveness. That Tommy character? Well, not only did he come back asking for forgiveness, he also played an instrumental role in helping many of my father's family to see the light. He did the best he could to clear up what had become so muddied, partly by his own mistakes. Thank you for that Tommy. 'Twas and IS appreciated.

Not everything is roses with my dad's drama though. There is a small handful of people who have left the church that never took the time to investigate further my father's claims, were never able to put two and two together, or were told straight out lies about the situation giving them a false sense of clarity. They still think pretty poorly of him. And then, of course, there are the even smaller number of people that remain at NH who hold to the elder's version of the events and have been convinced that my father is dangerous to even speak with for fear that they would be manipulated. You think I'm kidding don't you. Sadly, I'm not.

In 2005, yet another meeting was held about my father at NH, several years after his departure. They decided he was worthy of "a marking". He is now a marked man. Dangerous. Excommunicated. (?) ... There is so much confusion amongst this 'disciplinary action' that even leaders in the church don't know what is going on. I've spoken with some congregants and some lay leaders who claim unflinching support for their eldership and the disciplinary actions they deem necessary, while at the same time admitting they don't understand the claims, the biblical grounds for the discipline, nor the disciplinary action itself. Go figure.

**************************

So that is the kinda part of how life went on for us.

It was a strange thing discovering that Psalm 69 as I did. That same very night I also found Psalm 73. This Psalm was also critically important to me at the time. You see, at that time I was having a struggle with my understanding of God. Things didn't make sense. Where was the power in the promises in the Bible? The Holy Spirit was supposed to bring unity and clarity of vision right? Why so much conflict between Christians? I was being overtaken with grief and the injustice in the world. I hated how the wicked seem to prosper at every turn and the righteous seem to be left without help. World Issues here... not referring to my dad's drama. The poor stay poor at the hands of the rich, ya know? And Christians can't agree on SQUAT and yet they all claim to be inspired by God! Anyhow, before that particular night, I don't think I ever really knew that Psalm 73 existed. But as I studied the Word, BAM! It popped right out to me. It rescued me from the doubts and struggles I was having with God. One small snippet:
16 When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me.
Ultimately, this is a Psalm that directs the believer struggling with the injustice of this world to turn his eyes to eternity, for it is only there that true justice will be found. What a relief! What a life giving passage that was to me at the time. I remember tears raining down from my eyes the very next time I was in the "sanctuary of God" during worship with Him in my car. The Psalm was written by a man who confesses "[his] feet had almost slipped. [He] had nearly lost [his] foothold." Yes, that is where I was, thats for sure.

Life did go on. Like I said at the beginning of this entry, I'd say we tried twelve churches or so. I really believe we saw a very good side of the greater body of Christ. But we saw some more of the dark side of things too.

The good:
On more than one occasion, we were encouraged by the sincerity of worship and the depth of teaching that we found at other churches. One of the churches we went to had a wonderfully free session of worship that went on for two hours straight. Dancing in the aisles. Hands in the air. Men hugging. It was awesome. Not weird, or cheesy, or forced. Just awesome. And some of the fellowship we found was great too. One church we stayed at for about six months was doing its best to kick down the walls between races when it comes to Sunday services. The pastor's goal was a multi-denominational church. He was making great progress and it was great to be a part of.
One of the most wonderful things that we found at the two churches that we 'plugged in to' and subsequently left was that they were completely gracious and respectful as we left. After our experience at NH (both as the 'faithful' congregant and as the 'unfaithful' abandoners), we were absolutely shocked at the grace that was exhibited. We felt loved and honored as we left. Both pastors gave us their full blessing and supported us by trusting that God's work was not limited to their church.

The bad:
One of the churches we picked to get involved in was a fairly new church that was experiencing a good amount of growth. Unfortunately, we came to discover over time that we joined up with the church at precisely the worst time possible... major problems were surfacing in the leadership. For the sake of brevity, let me summarize by saying that these problems ultimately lead to actual physical violence, the pastor being removed for discipline by the governing denomination, and the eldership board being dismantled by the same. Deep, painful, confusing, and ugly. Somehow, I ended up ministering to many of the people who were hurt by the leadership. I was right in the middle of them. As a matter of fact, at the point we left the church we looked back and realized that we had 'invested' in to three specific relationships with people/couples we had met at church and each of the three ended up leaving under much duress! We had felt that there was the best opportunity for friendship with each of these people and lo' and behold... they are the first one who got screwed by the leadership. ... The good news is that I did meet a couple of good friends at this church, some of which I'm still close with to this day.

At the end of two years, we had visited loads of churches, but only put down roots in three of them. And then, Mr. Pastor started his church. My father migrated there (a very surprising turn of events given that many of those who had accused him and betrayed him while at NH were now in attendance there!). My wife and I figured we'd check it out too. We had some good relationships with people there... and thought it would be nice to have our children grow up going to church with family.

And then, well, ... not long after is when this here blog got started!

Want to catch up? Head on back to my very first post.

St. Miroslav's confession

"Saint Miroslav?" you ask...

Why yes... just today took time out of my busy schedule to help a poor chap push his out-of-gas car to a safe place and gave him a ride to the gas station. Even made sure he had some cash for gas.

"Confession?" you demand...

Well, ok. Since we are talking about materialism and my commitment to change, I figure I should own up to the fact that I busted out with a big-ol'-binge-before-the-diet sort of thing. Just before the clock struck MIDNIGHT launching us in to the new year, I went out and bought an XBOX 360 and some games.

(Miroslav ducks for cover and high tails it for the hills...)

While the iron is hot.

I really don't have the time to blog right now, but if I don't do it now... I know that I'll forget what I wanted to write, and this is good stuff. So I'm going to do it anyway.

Read all about it!Just FYI, for those that don't know... I sell insurance. It has always been my goal to serve my clients in a way that always looks out for their best interest. "Work like you don't need the money" is how the saying goes. This week, I had two opportunities to do so. I felt really great about both situations, so I'm gonna' share.

Situation #1 - Clients call me to set up an appointment regarding Life Insurance. They had just purchased a new home and wanted to make sure that if one of them passed away, the other would be taken care of financially. As soon as they arrived, I realized that the rates they would pay if they bought an individual policy would be through the roof b/c the husband was 5'9", 300lbs. A heavy man (which affects your health obviously, and health is one determination of your Life Insurance rates). Anyhow, it would have been very easy to sell them a policy at a rate that was outrageous... and in doing so make a buck. Instead, I talked with them at great length about how insurance works and ultimately helped uncover a way for them to insure one another through a much less expensive route: through group coverage at work. You see, with group coverage, the rates are NOT individually determined. So for people with health problems it is just about always the best way to go (just as a side note here, for young and healthy people an individual policy is usually always the best way to go.). At the end of our appointment, I didn't make a single penny... but they left with a great education on insurance and instructions on how to protect their family at a reasonable cost. They were very appreciative. Very very appreciative. It felt great to see them react, almost with surprise, that I was telling them that I was not the best avenue for them to pursue. I've had many opportunities like this one, particularly when I help people with their financial investments (retirement planning, CollegeSavings, etc). Its just great to be able to share knowledge freely, without having to be driven by the AlmightyDollar, ya know?

Situation #2 - A client of mine calls in inquiring about a 'hypothetical' claim. She only has one policy with me, here Homeowners Policy. She goes on to say that a 'friend of hers' had their car smashed by a next door neighbor's tree and that the neighbor's insurance company is denying the claim because the tree falling was an 'act of god' which is excluded by the Homeowners Policy (when it comes to liability). To make matters worse, this 'friend of hers' had just let the insurance lapse on the auto insurance leaving a BRAND NEW 2006 car with about $5,000 worth of damage with no insurance coverage. OUCH. A bad situation to be sure. Obviously, she was talking about her OWN insurance problems here and I assured her that she could speak frankly with me. We continued talking. The greedy bastard inside of me was saying, "Hey... here is a great opportunity to sell her auto insurance! She is without coverage, needs some, and is definately not going to be too keen on going back to her old carrier." ... but I shut that monkey up. I ran through everything in my mind that I could think of. I put myself in her shoes. What would I do in a situation like that? Ah... I know. I'd point the finger. :) What I mean to say is, I would check and see if there was any loophole by which I could make a claim on any of my insurance policies, particularly the lapsed Auto Policy. I went on to explain to my Homeowners Insurance client that a lot of times there are legal requirements as to how an insurance company cancels a policy. There are certain time lines that MUST be strictly adhered to. For instance, a company can't cancel a policy without a certain number of day written notification. I advised the client to call her lapsed auto carrier and ask EXACTLY and PRECISELY when her coverage went out of force. Long story short, I got a call back three hours later from her with a marked change in her voice. She was really happy to have discovered that the auto policy that she was SURE had already lapsed at the time of the damage was actually still in force for twelve more hours! Yes, she had found coverage. Cool, huh? I didn't make a dollar on it. It took about an hour of my day. But man, it feels great to do the right thing don't it?

I always approach my business with this type of attitude. Its built on both a desire to do what is right AND a desire to build a solid business. My hope is that in the long run, it will come back to me. That is to say that I hope my decision to look out for my clients' best interests will ultimately pay me returns in the long by earning their trust and loyalty which will lead to them coming to me for their insurance needs.

Anyhow, enough on that.

The LAST thing I had to throw up here is just a crazy story about how my business works.... I have this client in San Francisco who I have never met. Never seen his business or talked with him more than two times. He bought Work Comp Insurance through me when we called him on a cold-call marketing campaign in 2004. I just got a fax from my Underwriters (representatives of the insurance carrier). They let me know that over the past two weeks this client of mine has contacted them directly and completed all the paperwork with them to start two new policies for two additional businesses that he owns. The kicker to the whole thing is that I automatically get named as the Broker on these new accounts even though I haven't done a lick of work. Estimated Annual Premium = $15k x 2 = $30k. My cut? 15%. Of course I also have policies that cancel and an overhead of about 60% so I dont' actually see all that money. But its just neat to get 'freebies' like that.

Oh, and after months of looking and negotiating, I have reached a verbal agreement with the property management people on a place I want to lease... (my current lease is up in March) AND... I interviewed somebody yesterday who I think will be a great addition to my team. Going to offer her a job today.

WoOt! One OTHER thing, looks like I hit my end of the year goals ... just barely by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin... but I made it. That means a good bonus for me later in the year and a free three day trip sometime this summer. Cool beans.

Miroslav is happy at work today. Kickin' butt. Takin' names.

Eyes hurt. Must sleep.

Insomnia must really suck. I mean, I always stay up late doing stupid stuff. But thats different.

ONE good thing about staying up really late is that you get to do all sorts of really kewl things (like screw with photos in photoshop to make new profile pics). Then, eveybody is always like, "Hey... where in the world do you get the time to do X,Y, and Z?!" 2am my friends, 2am.

Last night, I just COULD NOT SLEEP! I absolutely hated it. The worst thing about that type of situation is when you really NEED the sleep. Such was the case last night. Tonight I figured I would just stay up super late again, but intentionally... so that when I do get in to bed I just crash right away. Hope it works. ... off to ... (crashing noise in background as Miroslav's face slams in to keyboard)... "ZZZZZZZzzzzzz" ...... (wipes drool off keyboard)... ok... going to bed now.

Crazy Russians...

Was at a relative's house on New Year's Eve and my uncle showed me this video... pretty dang cool.

THE FIRST TWO MINUTES ARE ULTRA BORING. SKIP THEM.
From 2:00 on ... very very cool.

VIDEO REQUIRES FLASH TO BE INSTALLED. CLICK HERE IF VIDEO IS NOT PLAYING PROPERLY.

New year's changes!

I think I'm spoiled. Hmmm... let me look it up to be sure.

spoiled
* having the disposition harmed by over indulgence

Yup. Thats me.

I like where this is going. Let me read more...I think it all started about three years ago when my income began to increase substantially. I went from a small business owner struggling to keep the thing alive to making really good money with very little work required. For some people, a situation like that might not be a problem. But for me, I think that it has had a negative effect on me because my financial success removed the hurdles keeping me from excess... from over indulgence.

Its not so much that I have changed, its just that now I have the means to be able to do what I have always wanted to. I've always wanted the cool techno gadgets, now I can have any of them that I want to. I've always wanted to eat anything my tummy desired (steak, lobster, whatever), now I can for a nominal $5.50 delivery charge. I've always wanted a cool sports car, now I've got one. I'm like a kid who has been let loose in a candy store, allowed to eat all the sweets that I can lay my eyes on. At first it was fun; guzzling down as much soda while I kicked all the wrappers on the ground from all the candy I had eaten. But after the first couple of hours, it all began to taste the same. Soon, I began to realize that I was chasing.... chasing after anything close to that first little buzz I got from my first bite's of candy. But with every piece that I shoved in my face, the buzz got harder to find. A single Skittle used to do it. Now it took a handful of JellyBellies. Soon, I'm was eating more than ever at a faster rate than ever just to find that new little thing that will give me a shot, a boost of excitement, a little buzz.

You know what I mean, right? Gotta go see that new movie... gotta eat at the new restaurant... gotta buy the new gadget... gotta find something to buy, to waste my money on, anything to consume, to try to get that buzz again. Always running. Chasing.

But I'm tired of chasing. Its so selfish. But there is more to it than just than. If you look at that definition of spoiled, it mentions "having the disposition harmed." What in the world does that look like? Well, in my case, I think its taken form in several different ways:

1) "The Law of Diminishing Returns" - How can I put this as succinctly as possible? I used to get psyched if I won $20 in a night playing cards. Now, it takes an extra zero to make me smile. Thats just lame. Its pure foolishness. And thats probably the most extreme example, but the same idea applies in the other areas of materialism that I've referred to. A nice dinner out with my wife used to be a special occasion... once per week sort of thing. We'd go to a place that cost us $12/plate and if I was lucky I could convince her to splurge on an appetizer and maybe a soda for us to share. I would leave the place happy as a lark. But recently, I end up with more complaints than compliments when leaving a dining establishment. Unless I spend an ungodly amount of money on food (as if $12/plate isn't bad enough!)..., I tend to qualify the experience as "Eh." (which is Miroslav for "so-so") What used to be a great experience has become common. Until now that is.

2) Rarely in the moment - Have you ever met somebody, even briefly, and you found them to be so amazingly present in the conversation that it stirred something inside of you? There is no cell phone ringing on their hip, no plans they are looking forward to that keep their mind preoccupied, and no idle talk of silly things like sports teams. I love those types of people. ... Well, up to this point, I've been sort of the exact opposite of that I guess. Maybe not ALL the time, but more often than I'd like to be. Most of the time, I've been 'looking forward to' something else, something bigger and better than you, or now, or here. Its a really lame way to live. Its demeaning to those around me, its selfish, and curiously ineffective at achieving any sort of pleasure or happiness! So enough of it already!

3) The Journey - And to what end am I chasing? Do I think I'll find some sort of eternal state of bliss? (Oh yeah... all those wonderfully happy millionaires. Its so obvious that money = peace of mind and joy. Bah.) No, from this point on I will remember some friends of mine who lived in a small trailer home with three children, on an income that was less than twenty percent of my own. The father worked all day (but not more than fourty hours per week) and the mom stayed at home tending to the kids. These friends are my age. In a very real way, their happiness and contentment with life far exceeded mine. And thats not to suggest that I'm never happy or that they are never sad... but I do need to remember that money is not what makes the difference. I want to learn to be content HERE, NOW, on THIS LEG of the journey. Even in this place of doubt and lack of faith that I am in. I am learning to embrace it. (evidence? well, Miroslav got his groove back on New Year's Eve... but more about that in another post)

When you bring those three things together, you find what I have been, but will no longer be: A man who is rarely satisfied with what he has. A man who is always looking away from the here and now hoping that whatever lies on the horizon will bring the next buzz because obviously this ain't cuttin' it. A man who is missing the joy of the journey because of his focus on some imaginary destination.

There is something else to all of this as well. Something less self centered. As I consider world tragedy and ponder what my role is to be in it, I have been hit right upside the head with the enormous amount of responsibility that my wealth brings with it. Surely more is to be expected from the "have's" than the "have-not's." As I consider the attrocities that are commited around the globe, even at the hour I write this silly blog... my mind goes back to the Holocaust. When I first learned about that part of history, I wondered, "Where was everybody? Where were all the good people?" They at least had the excuse of being ignorant. And then there were those that knew, but were unable to do anything to fight it... wether through poverty, or sickness, or physical distance. But what about me? Its a serious question that I don't have the answer for yet. But I do know what my first step is.

res·o·lu·tion
* A course of action determined or decided on

I have determined from this point on to:
* Stop chasing.
* Live in the HERE and NOW.
* Enjoy the Journey.

To help me learn to do this:
* For the first three months of 2006 I will spend nothing on myself. No new video games. No new toys. No fancy lunches. No gambling. Nadda. Zilch.

Hmmm... I just re-read this and all this typing just to say I'm not going to spend money on myself seems like such a weak resolution. But man, just know its a huge step. It will be difficult... but I'm excited about the change that I expect it to bring in me. Just to give an idea... just TODAY, the first day of the year, I already wanted to order out for dinner, buy something online, and play online poker. Could have easily thrown away close to $100 chasing the buzz. Up until now,I've been spending money like its nothing. And thats just crazy! There are people DYING for lack of what I have an abundance of....