Alone
Is it just me?
God does it feel like it...
God does it feel like it...
posted by Miroslav at 5:57 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
About Me
- Name: Miroslav
- Location: Nor Cal
Email me at...
miroslavsmusings[AT]gmail.com
Here is what I'm listening to nowadays:
Ten Most Recent Posts
- Miroslav Sez...
- The simple things in life
- Free Laptop
- In a way.
- How Miroslav Got His Groove Back
- Blue Like Jazz
- Random Stuff
- Chapter 8 - Life Goes On . . . kinda'
- St. Miroslav's confession
- While the iron is hot.
Books I'm reading
Stacked up waiting to be read
Books I read from '05 - '06
BLOG LINKAGE **
People I know.
Blogs I like.
Sometimes both.
- Woot
- PostSecret
- Thinking Out Loud
- The Mimmenblog
- One Beggar's Bread
- Micah's Blog
- Levi's Blog
- Buckhorn Road
- Eric Sweiven's Blog
- so I was like...you know
Keep up to date on my blog...
9 Comments:
Miroslav,
I know you are surrounded by people who love you so I have to ask why do you feel so alone? I was just listening to some Mercy Me - Word of God Speak and thought of you.. so when you get a chance take a few minutes and just meditate on the song.
Nope...we're here too!
your very large and caring family
Let's get right down to the "real" issue at hand here. It's not that your alone, no... what you really need to focus on is to stop working and spend more time maintaining your blog. Your past few entries look about like something I would post if I could figure out how to turn on a computer. Lets pull it together. Spend less time providing for you and yours and more time giving me jumping Russians. Dammit! I'm not joking! I want audio, video, cool links, deep thoughts I don't understand....
King Miroslav,
This will be kind of a weird post I think but...I'm doing it anyway.
I remember watching some video about two years ago about a Christian band. It showed how they dealt with each other on the road and just the dynamics of their Christian walk, etc. I remember there was a gal that said something like this:
"I think that musicians feel life so intensely that they have to put it into a song."
I am not a musician but I wonder if she is right. I'll never know. Some artists are so gifted at the words they sing, I just have to wonder.
I agree with Anonymous and what they said about Mercy Me. That group and that song really touched me when I was going though the Foggy Storm (Tormenta in Spanish). Luckily, there were many songs that really touched my heart. I still thank God for those times because He ministered to me through music (among other things). Here's one that I hope blesses you:
***But don't make fun of me because I'm sticking a whole song in your blog***
Rich Mullins: Hold Me Jesus
As Recorded on Awesome God: A Tribute to Rich Mullins
Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
There must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
Oh, hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Oh, hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You've been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Sometimes I feel alone. I'm not exactly sure why though because I am not alone--either Spiritually or physically. Perhaps it's because there is only one me. I know that sounds weird but:
Proverbs 14:10
Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.
I'm not even sure if that's what this verse is saying but one thing is for sure: I AM the only me.
God bless you.
See you guys tonight!
p.s. Is it hard for you to be you?
Anonymous,
I do not yet have the words to fully explain how this sort of thing feels. Once I get through it, I will do a more verbose entry to try to explain it better.
I know that I am loved. I know that there are others who hurt as they see me hurt. And yet, something deep inside of me is gasping for air as the bitter saltwater of life's pains and hurts somehow finds its way in to my throat... I feel tired, as though I am drowning in the depths of life's issues.
I do like the song you mentioned. After reading what you wrote, I promptly bought it on I-Tunes and listened to it. The problem is that my attempts to enter in to worship are, well... difficult and painful to say the least. Imagine the pains you would feel if all your life you had depended on relationship with God. And then, in a time in need, that HighTower... that Sanctuary... that Refuge ... found only in worship with God, imagine that safety and security was gone. The pain you would experience as the doors slam shut on you. Word of God Speak is a wonderful song when you are able to have your eyes cleared to see God, but is almost salt in the wounds to me. ... And that is just one layer of my loneliness.
The rest of the layers of loneliness have to do with being in such a bizarre place (regarding my faith, and the resulting destruction of my world view) that nobody can really relate to me. At least nobody that is in my life, in my day to day world. And that leaves me feeling ... odd, like a stranger in my own life. And when I feel strange, I feel alone.
On top of all of this, I have made an effort to remove all of my coping mechanisms (spending, video games, materialism, gambling, etc). So all of my feelings are intensified. I am also under a ton of stress at work (mostly good stuff, but stressful nonetheless). Lastly, my poor wife has been up talking late with me working through this stuff nearly every night this week so we are both running on very little sleep. Little sleep for Miroslav = Depressive type tendancies.
All of us,
I know you are. And I appreciate it very much.
George,
I will take you up on that offer here soon bro. Thank you for your thoughts. You are right on the money with what you mentioned with our little bubbles that we hole up in. I find that even when we break out of those bubbles that it can STILL be quite lonely 'out there'. I feel like so much of our life is wasted away with surface level talk and interaction...
of course, this from the guy thats drowning in the depths. :)
Sidwards8,
Dude, thanks.
Dashboard,
At least you kept it to one verse. So I won't tease you. ;D
RE: Worship... see above.
Damn. Thats a great Proverb. Thank you for sharing it.
RE: your PS. Yes, it is.
Don't know the MercyMe song, but the Rich Mullins song is so moving--esp seeing it written out now; I hadn't really grasped the lyrics in listening to the musical content in the past. He was (died in a car accident) a very "real" kind of Christian. Dashboard or I may need to pull up some other lyrics for you.
Loneliness has to be a small glimpse of Hell. It feels bad when it happens, no matter what everyone else who isn't in the midst of the feeling says. You will see, Miro, God answering your honesty with good rewards as you persevere seeking Him out (reference end of book of Job).
Grateful for the input from "all of us." Well said.
Love you.
Shoot, I forgot again that there was something else I wanted to say:
Dance! (just do it)
A famous man once said (over and over) "What do feelings have to do with it?" He has since gone(quickly and much too soon!)to be with the Lord, but his words stick with me in times as you describe - ok, since you aren't good at riddles, etc. - his initials were J.A. Also, 'My utmost for His Highest', by Oswald Chambers, speaks often of these times in a positive and a usual time the Lord allows!! Pick up a copy - He is our answer only - and of course a good cup o'Arabic Joe!!
I know I'm writing later on this, but..just to let you know, you're most definately not the first, nor the last to experience the lonliness that you've explained. And, I'm sure it exists in more people around you than you know regarding the body of Christ. I can sympathize with you greatly. It seems like a cont. trial I face, reaching a point in difficult trials where I feel so alone, even so far from the Lord that I know I love, yet sometimes cannot feel closly. In these times I'm faced with two choice paths-my ways to comfort my aching soul through withdraw, a variety of distancing/busying devices, allowing my adversary to defeat and discourage me greatly, and opening a variety of old doors, or to obey the WORD, drawing near to God through obedience and perseverance, feeling so empty along the way, but knowing that God is undeniable, He is real, He's been my past help in trouble-and I've been in alot of that-that even if no more blessings come my way-and there's been many-then I will still praise Him because He is Lord with or without me, and He is worthy of my life and praise,whether I feel like obeying him or not, I just do it, and there hasn't been a time yet where I look back to a trial and don't see God so much closer than when times are joyfilled. I'm more blind in the promise land and on my knees in the valleys-what a fool I am to forget the only lover of my soul when He fulfills His Word in me. Who has loved me like Him-not a man, woman, christian, or relative that I can list-He was there in the deepest pit with me-always softly saying- I love you, I'm with you, I chose you, you're mine, and I loved you even when you didn't love me-when you were my enemy-will you trust me to heal your fears? He loved me even when my stongest cheering section was at a loss of words, but I signed up for the race, and by all of God alone, will I reach the finish line and hear Him say well done good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of the Lord-my rest, my awaited peace! A verse I've had rolling through my mind in my trials of lonliness recently is Habakkuk 3:17-19 "Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vine; Though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls-Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills."
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