Sorry

Miroslav seems to be MIA from this blog thing.

I am finding that I have a lot of things to say that have no point. I seem to be in a place of wanting to hear, more than to be heard.

But stay tuned. I'm sure that will change before long.

American Inventor ... wOOt!

ok. today's wOOt! item is too dang cool. (Friday, April 21, '06) Now THAT is an invention.

Speaking of inventions, my wife and I watched American Inventor for the first time tonight. Can somebody out there with Google Skillz find out something for me? I have a hunch that American Inventor automatically owns the rights to ALL inventions submitted. True?

A resurrection of sorts...

I saw him standing in the hall. Head hung low. Sunken eyes. Pale skin. He looked as though he was on the verge of collapse. I knew he had been sick for the past several days, bad enough to miss work. And for this guy, that is saying something. I figured he had been hit with a bad cold, or stomach flu, or something like that. I wasn't wrong. But there was more to the story...

"Continue with the story then!""Hey man, what are you doing out of the house? Shouldn't you be at home resting? You look like crap."

"Yeah, I just had to take care of a couple of things and then I'm gonna' head home..."

"Well, how are you feeling?"

...

"Not good bro."

...

He had been sick for a while. But it wasn't anything serious. The sickness wasn't the thing that had caused this friend of mine to look as though he was on the brink of death. He went on to tell me the details of the most recent events in his life, particularly what had transpired over the weekend with his father, who had recently been injured in a serious car accident.

This friend of mine had received a call over the weekend from his mother. She was at a stranger's house, a neighbor down the street. She had fled her home after her husband, my friend's father, "completely lost it". Over the past several months, he has lost his job, been in and out of the hospital, and had to mortgage his house to pay his medical bills. On this particular night, the father seemed to lose his mind and was destroying things around the house, threatening his wife, and threatening to take his own life. He told my friend's mom that he would burn down the house if she left.

My friend took his mother in, and headed over to try to talk some sense in to his ailing father. It did not go well. Heated words. More threats. And the father ultimately began hitting my friend, an ex-professional boxer. This old, ailing man was no physical threat for my friend who simply grabbed him and set him on the couch. But as my friend sat his father on the couch, he felt a biting pain on his arm. Literally. His father BIT him. Hard. Broke skin. Latched on ... would not let go.

How would that feel? Getting in to a physical altercation with your depressive, elderly father who is phsycially and mentally breaking down? Particularly after you have been caring for him for months on end.

My heart was crushed for my friend.

"Oh man. I am so sorry to hear that. I cannot even imagine. Listen... I want you to know that if there is anything I can do to help, I want to do it. Seriously."

"Thanks. But listen. It gets worse."

Ack... worse? Yes. It turns out that a close relative of my friend is a bad man. A known gang banger, murderous villain sort. The pitch-black sheep of the family.

"So I get a call from this guy and he says, 'Hey ... your dad called me. I hear that you went over and beat him up. Nobody gets away with that. You are gonna pay. You better watch your back. I'm sending people up your way.'"

Ok. This was sounding a little to Supranos-esque for me.

"What? Are you serious? I'm sure this is just somebody that is all fired up. He won't actually do anything would he?" (I mean, come on. We aren't on the playground anymore, ya know?)

Well, I don't want to bore you with the gory details here but suffice to say that the man making threats really WAS a bad man who could very well make good on what he was saying. My friend had already filed a police report. And now the look of death on his face was making a little more sense to me.

"Wow. What can I say man. Seriously, if you need anything, let me know."


I said goodbye, turned, and started on my way. As I left, I thought to myself, "Was that the best I can offer to him? This friend of mine who's family is crumbling around him, who's father is getting violent and threatening suicide, and my buddy who is now in fear for his life?"

I felt like I wanted to throw up. Then, I remembered, ... there was something more I could do. So I turned around and I did.

"Hey bro ... um ... can I pray with you?"

"(tears in his eyes) Sure. That would be great."

"Alright... lets pray.
God. You are such a mysterious God. We don't know what your plans are here. But ... God, I am just broken inside for my buddy. We just come before you, Lord, and lift our voices to you, asking that you cover my friend and his family. That you strengthen him and walk with him through whatever may come of all of this. God, it is our hope that this whole ugly mess can turn in to good. That my friend and all his family will look back at this in days to come and will find that it actually brought all of them closer together than ever before. ... Yes God. And God, I pray that I would know how to be a good friend during this time. And I hope that my friend would know in his heart that he can ask me for anything, and all that I have is his ... wether time or money or encouragement or just sharing a cup of coffee together. Please God, hear our cry. ...
We pray all of this in the name of the one in whom we hope, Jesus Christ.
Amen."

Each of us wiped our tears and then shared a warrior's embrace.

I realized at that moment that my faith is not as dead as I've thought.

Every day stupidity

You know how they say no question is a dumb question? Well... they are wrong.

For the past several days I have been haunted by a really inane question. Every day, when I hop in my car and buckle my seat belt, I wonder ...

Left Hand?
Right Hand?
Or a transfer / combo sort of thing?

Yes. I want to know how YOU buckle your seat belt when you drive.

Report Card

On the first day of 2006, I made some resolutions. You can read about it here. A brief summary:

I have determined from this point on to:
* Stop chasing.
* Live in the HERE and NOW.
* Enjoy the Journey.

To help me learn to do this:
* For the first three months of 2006 I will spend nothing on myself. No new video games. No new toys. No fancy lunches. No gambling. Nadda. Zilch.

"So how did you do, Miroslav?"
Looking back to what my stated goals were at the beginning of this endeavour, I have to say that I actually made a good amount of progress. But before I pat myself on the back to much, I should share my specific successes and failures:

1) "No new video games." - Hm. Well. About that. I broke this rule like it was goin' out of style! I didn't even make it out of the gates without working a loophole. But I suppose I already confessed that, didn't I?
GRADE: F

2) "No new toys." - As best as I can remember (and I'm sure I'll get a gentle reminder from my friends if I'm off here), I can only remember purchasing one new toy (which absolutely ROCKS, by the way), and that was in March. Totally a luxury purchase. BUT I split the cost with a friend, so I'm givin' myself a little break on that one.
GRADE: B

3) "No fancy lunches." - I wasn't perfect with this. But I did make an effort. It was on my mind each week. Although I didn't brown bag it every day, I did make more of an effort to go home for lunch from time to time and to spend less on feeding my face.
GRADE: C

4) “No gambling.” – I saved the best for last on this report card. I aced this one! (pun intended.) Not one single penny was risked through gambling from 1/1/2006 – 3/31/2006! It was a challenge for the first couple of weeks as my poker buddies continued to call me, many of them unaware of my New Year’s Resolution, but I actually got used to not playing pretty quickly. Taking a break from playing poker was good for me. And to be honest, part of me gave a sigh of relief as I found that gambling does not appear to have any sort of addictive hold on me. So that’s good.
GRADE: A++++

With my grades averaged, I give myself a B- or so. Not bad.

So, back to the stated goals:
Stop chasing, Live in the HERE and NOW, Enjoy the Journey.

I feel like I've learned one key thing over the last three months. There is a difference between looking forward to something, versus CHASING it. It is completely healthy and normal for me to look forward to spending time with friends, watching a new movie, or taking a vacation. But at some point, that sort of anticipation can take some sort of evil twist inside of me and turn in to something that is unhealthy. Its the addict in me raging to get out. When I begin to force things to happen, or focus all of my energies on 'the next cool thing' and miss out on what is right in front of me, that is when I've crossed the line. When I am so looking forward to when my little boy can go hiking with me in the mountains, that I miss the opportunity to go out for a walk with him around the block. When I'm looking forward to a poker game that is scheduled for tommorrow, and only give my wife half of my attention while I'm with her TONIGHT. Or when I'm so anxious at work to make the next BigBuck that I miss the fact that I'm doing very well financially right now and should be enjoying that fact! All examples of what I'm talking about.

Anyhow, the last three months have been good for me and have helped me see the line a bit more clearly between a healthy enjoyment of the wonderful riches I have around me, and an unhealthy and exhausting striving for tomorrow's pleasure. Balance is a good thing. Hard, but good.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, during the past three months, I've also begun to feel a lot more content with where I am on my Journey. Its rarely comfortable. Often awkward. Sometimes very challenging. But I am more content than I have ever been since the beginning of this Dark Night of the Soul.

Say what?

wOOt!

Yes, well... thats what the word means (click link above). But in this case, I'm talking about the newest entry to my Blog Linkage List. Each day a special item is highlighted. Great deals, cool stuff. Check it out....

www.woot.com (and more detailed info about the site at Wikipedia here.)

Proof

I took my wife to a Luis Miguel concert last Friday noche.

If that ain't proof I love her... I don't know what is.

 

Too poetic? So sue me.

A an old friend of mine whom I haven't had much opportunity to hang out with for a long time wrote me an email recently.

He wrote:

"what's up brother... yesterday sitting at the hard rock drinking a bloody mary... thinking about whats important in my life... and the people that are important and close to me... dude... i have an idea of what's important to you... but i have never asked... dude... what's important in your life?... what are your hopes as a father?... a husband?... tell me because i want to know... i'm sitting here thinking about you and your family... want to tell you that you, janice, and your kids are important in my life... and somehow i want to be more involved in your lives even though i'm here in the east coast... love you guys... also... tell me what are your hopes for me?..."

What a good friend he is! Read my response here...Here is what I wrote in response:

“What’s important in your life?” –
Family … specifically my wife and children.
Goodness … I’m a confused individual right now. I make no bones about that. But the one thing I’m sure of is that I am FOR Goodness, whatever the hell that is. My stomach turns at Evil: torture, rape, child molestation, abuse, genocide. And my spirit soars when I see Goodness done.
Honesty … After living a double-life for so long, I believe in, and do my best to practice, honest communication… even when it is hard and painful, I prefer to be open and honest. I’d rather you spit on me and tell me that you hate me than to act “civil” to my face and dislike me in your heart.
Genuine Friendship … I’m sick of play friends: people who are friends because they are ‘supposed’ to be your friend. I love to find friends who I genuinely enjoy hanging out with and they genuinely enjoy who I am, ya know? People who are strong enough to have an opinion about something…. People who live life in such a way that they are willing to be vulnerable and who are not scared when I am vulnerable. I love to cry, and to laugh, and to pray, and to ache, with other men who desire the same.
THAT is living … to me, anyway.

"What are your hopes as a father?” –
I hope my children grow up knowing that they are loved. I hope that we have a strong relationship and that I effectively demonstrate how important and valuable they are to me. I hope they grow up confident enough to be 100% who they are, and that they be humble enough to admit their weaknesses, frailty, and failures. I hope they learn from me what it means to love … what it means to think and ponder the important things in life … and what it means to live with integrity.

“What are your hopes as a husband?” -
I hope that somehow, despite how tremendously different we are as individuals, that I find ways to encourage and strengthen my wife. I hope that my dark burdens to not crush her carefree and wonderfully light spirit. I hope that I live my life in such a way that causes her to respect me, to consider me a friend and companion, and to trust me. I hope to challenge her to live life to its fullest: to enjoy the heights, and to endure the dark depths. I hope that she grows as a woman, as a human being, as a spiritual woman. I hope that the things that I am bound to do that damage my wife, from silly miscommunications to angry words, do not cause permanent damage to our marriage. I hope that my wife knows by the way I live my life that I love her completely and forever.

“What are your hopes for me?” –
What I hope for you, I hope for all that I love and for myself. I hope that you find happiness and companionship in life. I hope that you live your life alongside genuine friends and that you search for and discover a soul-mate lover to have and hold forever. I hope that you live life with gusto… that you do not waste your life on trivial things, but that you pursue Goodness and Truth and Love. I hope that you risk. I hope that you get back up when you fall. I hope that you endure hard times. I hope that you trust… again. I hope that you step out of your comfort zone. I hope that you never give up on dreams. I hope that you never settle for a hum-drum life … that you seek out adventure in all that you do. I hope that you forgive. I hope that you stand up and do good when you see Evil. I hope that you are willing to lose all for that which is Right and Noble and Good.

Too poetic? Sue me.

The high life...

Celebration time! My big office move is nearly complete... and last week I received my big ol' profit bonus from last year. So, off we went to a uber-fancy restaurant last night with my wife, my office manager, and her boyfriend.

One of the dishes served was these little "Crab Chips". Just before he served them, the chef had a volunteer come up and hold about 20 of the things in her hand while they were still alive. It was something not too unlike Fear Factor... they just poured out of the bucket in to her hand, scrambled around a bit, and fell on to the cutting board. Eventually the chef picked up the little guys and threw them into a fryer for a bit and served 'em up just like the pic below. They were about the size of an oblong half-dollar and we were instructed to eat them whole. To be totally honest, I hated the taste. But for about five minutes I acted like they weren't too bad just to convince my wife to give one a try. She fell for it. It was hilarious. She popped one in to her mouth and TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. It was just too much for her, with the crunchy legs and eyes and all. So her arms started flailing about and she started convulsing like crazy and she just up and swallowed the thing without chewing it! And then the little bastard bit back! NO JOKE! She ended up with a leg from the tiny beast stuck in her throat! ... Off she went to the restroom to try to dislodge it ... no luck. Instead, she was left with a bloody throat for the rest of the night. Yum...

Now thats the high life baby!

Not so deep thoughts

Ok. On a slight break from the normally serious tone of this blog, two ultra short stories for your reading pleasure.

Read 'em and laugh.1) "Chasing the flush" - Many years ago, a friend of mine was taking a leak in the bathroom. I heard the toilet flush, waited a second and nudged the door open as I walked in to take my turn. To my surprise, there he was with his pants still around his ankles ... still pissing in to the toilet bowl.
"Dude, what the heck are you doing?" ...
"Oh, I've done this since I was a kid. My dad used to pee like this." ...
"Like what? I mean, you do know that you are supposed to flush AFTER you piss, right?" ...
"Yeah, but there is this fun little game I like to play. If you time it just right, you can chase the flush and finish peeing precisely at the same time that the flush is done swirling and exiting the bowl. You should try it sometime. It keeps it interesting, ya know?" ...
"Man, you are a fool. Get the heck out of here. I gotta' take a leak."

He doesn't know it, but to this day, I chase the flush.
And yes, its fun.


2) "Fresh Baked Bread" - I have to give props right up front to my mom's husband for this one. We were packed in to his car one day driving around the OC. We had just finished eating and were headed to an electronics store for something. As we were driving along, my mom's husband says,
"You guys smell that? It smells just like fresh baked bread!" ...
(*100% uncontrollably, like a reflex, we all start inhaling and sniffing, excited about savoring the scent of "fresh baked bread"*) ...

"Oh man!!! That is NASTY! You are a freakin' punk!" ...

(*Then a frantic scramble to roll down the windows. We are all nearly made sick to our stomachs as we find that he has all the windows on LOCK!)...

Since then, I've used 'Fresh Baked Cookies' (just to keep it interesting, ya know?) and it works equally well.


You heard about it here first, folks! Spread the word!

Enigma

6'5". A body builder's frame even now as his gray hair receeds. An inviting smile, with a man's handshake. Eight bracelets on the left, six more on the right. And a group of necklaces dangle from his neck. He is a professor of philosophy who has traveled the world ... a man who is proud to proclaim that his life is dedicated to the service of Christ. And his life's actions lend credence to the proclamation.

ONE MONTH AGO
Our meeting is at a local crepe and tea sort of joint. His eyes light up with excitement as he learns that I am "a faller". He tells me that long ago my seizures would have been a sign to the mystics that I would be more apt to seek and explore spiritual things. He smiles as he learns of my spiritual struggles. This man speaks in an unusual manner. "Shaman Journey" , "Meta-Magic" , "The Underworld" , "Gate Keepers" , "Passwords" , "Passions" , "Can you pay the price of healing?" ... Somewhere in there, my eyes begin to fill with tears. A very peculiar, almost embarassing, sort of hope wells up within me. His words, absent of logic and reason, speak to me on an unexplored level that makes me feeling exposed and a bit uncomfortable.

A homework assignment : A name study. First. Middle. Last. ... I've completed the project. We meet again tomorrow.