Ineffective and Angry
I'm not sure what to make of the two areas of my life that I've seen the most change in since I started my New Year's Resolution. Well, the second item is a pretty predictable reaction I suppose. But I'm stumped on the first. Feedback welcome, as always.
1) I am very very ineffective at work. I can't seem to concentrate. I'm totally scatterbrained. And all of this, as far as I can tell, is primarily a result of one thing... I'm bored. Just utterly and completely uninterested in all of it. "Blah blah insurance, blah blah money, blah blah bonus, blah blah bills."
2) I have a much shorter fuse with just about everything. The F-bomb has made several appearances. (Well, 'several' is a pretty conservative word if I'm being honest...). But don't make too much of that. The foul language is not really the issue that I've taken notice of. Its more than that ... you see, my heart has really just been more angry, much more frequently then ever before.
I think that these are related to my resolution, but maybe not. I am under a lot of stress at work with a new move, a changing marketplace, a new plateau in my business. And I suppose the whole Dark Night of the Soul is bearing in on me too. But still, I'm not sure why I have such a lack of interest in work. Its very weird. Maybe some sort of denial type of coping mechanism kicking in? Since I don't have my usual coping devices to turn to, maybe I'm adapting a new one of subconsciously losing interest in this vitally important part of my life? ...
1) I am very very ineffective at work. I can't seem to concentrate. I'm totally scatterbrained. And all of this, as far as I can tell, is primarily a result of one thing... I'm bored. Just utterly and completely uninterested in all of it. "Blah blah insurance, blah blah money, blah blah bonus, blah blah bills."
2) I have a much shorter fuse with just about everything. The F-bomb has made several appearances. (Well, 'several' is a pretty conservative word if I'm being honest...). But don't make too much of that. The foul language is not really the issue that I've taken notice of. Its more than that ... you see, my heart has really just been more angry, much more frequently then ever before.
I think that these are related to my resolution, but maybe not. I am under a lot of stress at work with a new move, a changing marketplace, a new plateau in my business. And I suppose the whole Dark Night of the Soul is bearing in on me too. But still, I'm not sure why I have such a lack of interest in work. Its very weird. Maybe some sort of denial type of coping mechanism kicking in? Since I don't have my usual coping devices to turn to, maybe I'm adapting a new one of subconsciously losing interest in this vitally important part of my life? ...
posted by Miroslav at 6:59 PM
3 Comments:
Have you considered the possibility of depression? It wouldn't be unusual – you're in a stressful time in your life, a transition point in your thinking in a lot of ways. Depression can exhibit as apathy rather than sadness. Loss of motivation, lowered energy, difficulty concentrating, etc. Something to watch out for.
Of course, it could just be how you're handling the stress right now. Might be a sign to give yourself some space, and find things that help you relax -- exercise, solitary walks (or with your wife), something fun and unrelated to work/faith issues/etc. If you're an introvert like me and don't get time to unwind by yourself, that can be bad news. It's good that you've noticed it, at least.
Definetely. I undoubtedly deal with depression from time to time. Sometimes harder than others. It has never been to the point that it has really impaired my life in any serious way (at least not yet anyhow).
Problem is that the things that help I usually use to help me relax are the things that I'm taking a break from right now... namely playing mind numbing video games and poker. I do take walks with my wife, or sit and veg, or talk while in the hot tub together...
I am an introvert, sort of. I'm like 50% introvert, 50% type-A personality. Its weird. Down time that is fully absent of distraction can sometimes get my mind going in places that get me in to trouble.
Thanks for the encouragements though. I will have to watch and see if this lack of interest in work is a sort of mild depressive episode. It feels so different than my normal depressive stuff that I have yet to lump it in with that description but... we will see.
Miroslav,
One of the saddest experiences I ever had was getting acquainted with a distinguished grey haired gentleman while working my way toward school. I was working at our local soup company, and every other word that escaped out of this man's mouth was a curse word. I was shocked that such a fine looking fellow would have a garbage mouth.
I determined to clean up my own mouth lest I turn into something as hideous as that old fellow. Words still escape from time to time but habits of moderation do help.
Pat
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