A bachelor's high life examined
So she is gone. Took the kids and got on a plane and left. The house is so quiet. I'm lonely and miss all three of them.
Read more...Now before you get too freaked out, I suppose I should clarify and say that she is coming back on Thursday. She didn't leave leave. Just headed down south to visit a girlfriend for a couple of days.
I had pictured these three days like they'd be just blissful me time. Nonstop fun, videogame heaven, junk food, scary movies (which she NEVER watches and so I never do either), and good times with guy friends. You know, time to let my hair down and do all the things that marriage and child raising suffocates out of me.
After dropping the family off at the airport, I did what any other husband recently liberated from his wife and kids would do: I zoomed home and cleaned the house. I am the clean freak of the family, so having a chance to clean the house MY WAY and keep it that way for several days sounded so ... ahhhhh. Having a nice extra-clean house with no toys in sight sounded so wonderful to me. After about an hour, the place was spick and span(sp?). Then I spent a couple of hours with my precious (thankfully my subscription expires tomorrow, effectively cutting off my virtual-crack supply), ran some errands and then headed in to the office for a long day's work.
When I came home, the most peculiar feeling hit me. I had nothing to do. Or better said, I had everything to do ... but no desire to do any of it. I felt empty.
I got just a glimpse of what life must feel like for the succesful, but lonely business person. Money in the bank. Nice clean sports car (I had it washed and waxed recently). A beautiful home, all clean inside. A well stocked fridge. Entertainment options everywhere: plasma TV, top-end gaming computer, Xbox 360, poker house ten minutes away or online.... just everything a guy could ask for. And yet, as I walked in to my quite home with just the faint sound of the A/C blowing and saw the big red ZERO on my answering machine, all the nice things around me all seemed meaningless to me. It was not too unlike my recent trip to Hawaii when all hell broke loose with some friends, leaving all of us with broken hearts while living in the midst of paradise. There was something almost cruel about it. As if the beauty of our surroundings mocked our pain. ... Yes, and so this empty house full of guy tech toys mocked me.
To ease the pain, I headed to Blockbuster to find a war movie to enjoy. I figure watching some people shoot each other might make me feel better. You know... turn the volume up twice as loud as I'm ever allowed to when the wife is home and just veg. It took about fourty five minutes to do it, but I finally found a couple of movies I thought I'd enjoy, went to the counter to discover that the coupons I was trying to use to rent the movies for free had already been used earlier in the week, and that in fact we had a $9 balance. Apparently we hadn't returned The Pink Panther in time, so now we owned it. Bah. "Just forget it.", I said to the clerk. I left with my money in my wallet, but with no movies to watch. Talk about insult to injury.
Came home, jumped on the Xbox 360 with some friends and family and played video games for a while. Then I ate some cereal ... and hit the sack.
What a boring, lame life without my family here.
But thats not really the main point to this post. The point, or question rather is this: why do all these activities seem so fun when my loved ones are here? Thats just some jacked up sh**. When my wife and kids are here, and they want to spend time with me, just about all I want to do is withdraw from them in one form or another. What the heck is that all about?
This time away from my family has brought this problem clearly in to focus for me. Its almost as if when they are around, I think of them as an obligation ... or a task to be completed ... so that I can get on to what I really enjoy. The weird thing is, I know there is no fulfillment in the mindlessness of games and gambling (or whatever other 'fun' activity is on my calendar), but I'm drawn to them anyhow. Its as if on some really low level, I believe doing these things means I've 'made it'. Of course, I'm overstating the condition of things (as usual). Its not as though I never enjoy my wife or kids... I'm just focusing on this inner problem of mine that I know exists to some degree.
And as I scrutinize this down to an even deeper level, I don't think its at all about video games or gambling per se... or even about avoiding time with my family (althought that is part of it). Its hard to put in to words...
I seemed to have formed this idea in my mind that the Really-Enjoyable-Life means not having to work hard yet having lots of money, having a clean house without ever lifing a finger to clean it, and freedom to play (in whatever form that takes) without any boundaries other than what I set. Yes... I want a clean yard without having to fire up the lawn mower, I want children to enjoy without having to do much diaper changing, I want a growing business without having to invest my energy or talents in to it. I've always called this efficiency and boasted of my ability to accomplish lots without doing much (if any) of the actualy work myself.
I don't think its laziness. Thats too simple a term for this particular sickness. And its not for lack of work ethic, I know how to work hard. Its something else. Gluttony comes to mind. Oh wait. I just Wiki'd 'work ethic' and that lead me to 'slacker'. Perhaps I am in fact a uncontented, successful slacker.
Yup. Thats it. I've ventured down the path suggested by Plato and found that I am left wanting with all this free time. I am finding that the hard work of life, in and of itself, is important and valuable. My current outlook on life has me avoiding hard work at all cost, only seeking financial success, free time, and relaxation as the goals to be sought after. What I'm finding is that this supposed high life ain't all its cracked up to be.
Part of me feels driven 'back to work'... back to the known and already experienced feeling of a hard day's work. But then again, perhaps Plato knew of something greater... a use of this free time that I have that will allow me to experience and enjoy life even MORE than a simple hard day's work.
All of this to say that once again, I'm being brought back to the old adage, "Life is about the journey, not the destination."
So, I ask you blog-readers, how do I change this deeply seated mindset of mine that leaves me empty? And where do I go from here?
Read more...Now before you get too freaked out, I suppose I should clarify and say that she is coming back on Thursday. She didn't leave leave. Just headed down south to visit a girlfriend for a couple of days.
I had pictured these three days like they'd be just blissful me time. Nonstop fun, videogame heaven, junk food, scary movies (which she NEVER watches and so I never do either), and good times with guy friends. You know, time to let my hair down and do all the things that marriage and child raising suffocates out of me.
After dropping the family off at the airport, I did what any other husband recently liberated from his wife and kids would do: I zoomed home and cleaned the house. I am the clean freak of the family, so having a chance to clean the house MY WAY and keep it that way for several days sounded so ... ahhhhh. Having a nice extra-clean house with no toys in sight sounded so wonderful to me. After about an hour, the place was spick and span(sp?). Then I spent a couple of hours with my precious (thankfully my subscription expires tomorrow, effectively cutting off my virtual-crack supply), ran some errands and then headed in to the office for a long day's work.
When I came home, the most peculiar feeling hit me. I had nothing to do. Or better said, I had everything to do ... but no desire to do any of it. I felt empty.
I got just a glimpse of what life must feel like for the succesful, but lonely business person. Money in the bank. Nice clean sports car (I had it washed and waxed recently). A beautiful home, all clean inside. A well stocked fridge. Entertainment options everywhere: plasma TV, top-end gaming computer, Xbox 360, poker house ten minutes away or online.... just everything a guy could ask for. And yet, as I walked in to my quite home with just the faint sound of the A/C blowing and saw the big red ZERO on my answering machine, all the nice things around me all seemed meaningless to me. It was not too unlike my recent trip to Hawaii when all hell broke loose with some friends, leaving all of us with broken hearts while living in the midst of paradise. There was something almost cruel about it. As if the beauty of our surroundings mocked our pain. ... Yes, and so this empty house full of guy tech toys mocked me.
To ease the pain, I headed to Blockbuster to find a war movie to enjoy. I figure watching some people shoot each other might make me feel better. You know... turn the volume up twice as loud as I'm ever allowed to when the wife is home and just veg. It took about fourty five minutes to do it, but I finally found a couple of movies I thought I'd enjoy, went to the counter to discover that the coupons I was trying to use to rent the movies for free had already been used earlier in the week, and that in fact we had a $9 balance. Apparently we hadn't returned The Pink Panther in time, so now we owned it. Bah. "Just forget it.", I said to the clerk. I left with my money in my wallet, but with no movies to watch. Talk about insult to injury.
Came home, jumped on the Xbox 360 with some friends and family and played video games for a while. Then I ate some cereal ... and hit the sack.
What a boring, lame life without my family here.
But thats not really the main point to this post. The point, or question rather is this: why do all these activities seem so fun when my loved ones are here? Thats just some jacked up sh**. When my wife and kids are here, and they want to spend time with me, just about all I want to do is withdraw from them in one form or another. What the heck is that all about?
This time away from my family has brought this problem clearly in to focus for me. Its almost as if when they are around, I think of them as an obligation ... or a task to be completed ... so that I can get on to what I really enjoy. The weird thing is, I know there is no fulfillment in the mindlessness of games and gambling (or whatever other 'fun' activity is on my calendar), but I'm drawn to them anyhow. Its as if on some really low level, I believe doing these things means I've 'made it'. Of course, I'm overstating the condition of things (as usual). Its not as though I never enjoy my wife or kids... I'm just focusing on this inner problem of mine that I know exists to some degree.
And as I scrutinize this down to an even deeper level, I don't think its at all about video games or gambling per se... or even about avoiding time with my family (althought that is part of it). Its hard to put in to words...
I seemed to have formed this idea in my mind that the Really-Enjoyable-Life means not having to work hard yet having lots of money, having a clean house without ever lifing a finger to clean it, and freedom to play (in whatever form that takes) without any boundaries other than what I set. Yes... I want a clean yard without having to fire up the lawn mower, I want children to enjoy without having to do much diaper changing, I want a growing business without having to invest my energy or talents in to it. I've always called this efficiency and boasted of my ability to accomplish lots without doing much (if any) of the actualy work myself.
I don't think its laziness. Thats too simple a term for this particular sickness. And its not for lack of work ethic, I know how to work hard. Its something else. Gluttony comes to mind. Oh wait. I just Wiki'd 'work ethic' and that lead me to 'slacker'. Perhaps I am in fact a uncontented, successful slacker.
Yup. Thats it. I've ventured down the path suggested by Plato and found that I am left wanting with all this free time. I am finding that the hard work of life, in and of itself, is important and valuable. My current outlook on life has me avoiding hard work at all cost, only seeking financial success, free time, and relaxation as the goals to be sought after. What I'm finding is that this supposed high life ain't all its cracked up to be.
Part of me feels driven 'back to work'... back to the known and already experienced feeling of a hard day's work. But then again, perhaps Plato knew of something greater... a use of this free time that I have that will allow me to experience and enjoy life even MORE than a simple hard day's work.
All of this to say that once again, I'm being brought back to the old adage, "Life is about the journey, not the destination."
So, I ask you blog-readers, how do I change this deeply seated mindset of mine that leaves me empty? And where do I go from here?
posted by Miroslav at 9:43 AM
8 Comments:
I guess for me it is just recognizing it (the crappy mess we are in our hearts and heads)and pushing through to the good thing you know you should do or think or feel.
I've found that as I move my body or head or heart in the right direction, the good stuff comes right in. The fight is in making the move in the right direction.
I think that is what Paul the Bible writer meant when he spoke of the battle that was within him.
Romans 7 21-23
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
Don't mean to preach but this kind of sums it up for me...
dad
Miro,
Here's the way I see it...
The things that matter most in this life you can’t pay someone else to do for you.
Your relationship with God, a vibrant marriage, kids that love and respect you, those take time, hard work, a plan of attack, and even more time.
Here’s an excerpt from a book I was reading this morning “King Me” by Steve Farrar-
“In particular, let’s give the last word to a little two-year-old girl named Kelsey. Her father, Gary Thomas, tells the story best in his own words. It’s a warm story that has a chilling message for every Christian father:
One day, when our daughter Kelsey was two years old, she started pointing at every family member’s chair around the table. I was gone at the time.
“Mommy,” she began, “Allison, Graham, Kelsey….”
Then she pointed to my empty seat and said, “God.”
“That’s not God, Kelsey,” Lisa, my wife said. “That’s Papa.”
“Jesus,” Kelsey replied with a smile.
Three days later, all of us were together in a hotel room when Kelsey did it again. She started pointing to everyone and announcing his or her name. When she got to me, she said, ”Jesus.”
“I’m not Jesus, Kelsey,” I said. “I’m Papa.”
“Your Papa God,” Kelsey replied.
This little two-year-old girl reminded her father of a great truth.
Fathers represent God to their children.
That is why what we do as fathers is so important. How you live your life in private in your own home can affect the entire world.
It is well-known that Adolf Hitler murdered more than six million Jews. His former friend and enemy in Russia was Joseph Stalin. Stalin murdered tens of millions of Russian peasants.
How can two men demonstrate such hatred and rage? What is the explanation for such godless behavior?
It goes back to their fathers.
Hitler was often severely beaten by his father. One beating he took was so harsh it left him in a comma for weeks. Some thought he would never recover. But he did.
Stalin’s father beat him on a regular basis when he was a young boy growing up. It was common for young Joseph to have blood in his urine. His childhood was characterized by internal bleeding caused by the blows of the most significant man in his life.
These two fathers maimed their sons.
And their sons in turned maimed and murdered millions.
These two fathers would have been shocked beyond belief if someone had told them their sons would grow up to be monstrous killers. After all, both men were “professing” Christians.
But inside their homes they created a living hell for their sons.
God calls fathers not to maim their sons, but to mentor them.
And that is our task and greatest privilege.
As little Kelsey grows older, she will begin to understand that her daddy is not Jesus.
But down deep in her heart she will always know that her father represents Jesus.
As fathers, we can never lose sight of that truth. It will help us to do our fathering work to the glory of God.
We are to build up sons so that they may build their sons.
It is the plan of God. It is your highest earthly calling. There is no work more important.
And you don’t have what it takes to pull it off.
Neither do I.
We can’t father without the heavenly Father.
But as Francis Schaffer used to say, “He is there and He is not silent.”
Therefore, with His help we can do our fathering work. And we do it to and for His glory.”
Where do I go from here you ask…
I would suggest that you take the “bachelor high life” you were looking for and aim it even higher. Run back to the Bible and the many stories of God’s goodness for those who followed his ways and were not content with earthly things, but instead focused on the eternal. Whether you like it or not you are representing Jesus to Sammy and Ella, and my prayer is that they will find a daddy that finds his fulfillment not in “financial success, free time, and relaxation”, but in knowing that he is a broken vessel, a jar of clay, being used by God to do amazing things that will have an affect on generations to come!
P.S. Can I borrow LOTR2? :0)
My first thought is to move to some remote part of Mexico or Spain, settle down in a beautiful yet modest home in the outskirts of town, and live the rest of our days enjoying our kids and each other. No gismos or gadgets just each other. I LOVE the sound of that. But more than anything, I love YOU just as you are.
Plato does have a planet named after him so he must know what he's talking aboot. Then again so does Zena, the warrior princess....crap. Insert inspirational bible verse here.
You too huh? My wife and the kids left today to go see her sister in San Diego, and they will be gone until Wednesday. I don't know what I will do with myself, except for the honey-do list that unrolls like Santa's gift list.
Good luck staying entertained!
dad,
You can take the man away from the pulpit, but you can't take the preacher out of the man. ... Or something like that. :)
Ron,
Great thoughts. Like we talked about, pretty irrelevant to what I was getting at here, but... good stuff nonetheless. :) Love to ya.
Janice,
I love you honey. Funny that you mention Spain. I yelled to my dad in the other room that same day, "Hey pops, what would you think if I moved to Spain for a couple of years?" ... and then you wrote this. :)
Sidewards8,
Glad to see you are back with your regular zany wisdom and input.
Chanman,
The ball and chain is back .. heavy as ever. I'm bleeding from the metal anklet rubbing my skin raw again. ... hehe... kidding.
...
Ok blogger nation, I'm disappointed at your lack of solutions for my problem here. But I think I've concocted my own remedy. Once again, I've found that when I get up and DO IT (fix the carpet, clean the air filters, take the kids out, go to the soccer game, go to the family function) while making an effort to KILL that "whats next on the calendar to look forward to" voice inside my head... life is actually pretty damn good. But man do I fall in to the trap again and again of looking FORWARD to the destination too much.
Remember Miroslav! Its the JOURNEY that is most valuable!
Miro,
When we spoke at church I hadn't read the entire post. I missed the part that says read more. So here is my input. I know exactly how you feel. Waiting to go have some guy time, putting it up on a pedestal, only to come home tired and not really fulfilled. The other extreme is to go go go through all the "family" stuff you described like parties, lunch out with friends, whatever, then to find that that too is obscuring the real quality of time spent with your family. It is not really bad obviously, but just not totally devoted to your family. I think the answer is just playing with the kids, following them around and doing what they want to do, and when the thoughts enter your head about what you could or should be doing you just block it out and acknowledge the connection you are making right then and there. Like you said it is the journey. This is incredibly relevant in my life right now. Nice work describing this. What I do is just imagine how great it would be to be with the wife and kids in "Paradise" somewhere, name the island, but that is not life either. It is human nature to be disatisfied. Ask Him for peace.
MJB
MJB,
it is so dang TOUGH for me to be HERE AND NOW. I'm realizing that its one of the biggest challenges in my life. Glad to be struggling through it with you bro.
Post a Comment
<< Home