A day late and a dollar short.
She walked up to the counter at the coffee shop and handed the card to the plainly dressed cashier who examined the name on the card.
"Miroslav? I went to highschool with a guy named Miroslav."
"Oh yeah? That's my husband! What a small world..."
*Awkward pause*
"What did you say your name was?", my wife asked the cashier.
"Susan. ... But I doubt he will remember me. He tormented me back in highschool; pretty much made my life miserable."
The story continues...
Yeah. Wow. ... I couldn't believe it when my wife called me this morning and told me she had ran in to an old acquaintance of mine. Since I spent most of my life in the same town, its not too uncommon to run in to people from the past. But I'd never experienced anything like this before. I was floored.
"Are you serious?", my wife asked. Then, trying to use a little humor to bridge the awkward distance that had developed so quickly in the conversation, "That's it. I'm filing for divorce as soon as I see him!"
"Oh, its no big deal. We all do things in life that hurt other people. We've all done things in our life that we regret..."
Two girls I knew back in highschool jumped in to my memory. They both had a reputation for being promiscous and we shared a History class together. They were both hurting, socially on the fringe sort of people. I remember countless afternoons, sitting around during class poking fun at them with at least two other guys in the class. At the time, I thought of it as harmless. But a couple of years in to college I remember watching an episode of Oprah where they reunited people with their childhood bullies. When I saw these grown adults on TV shedding real tears over events that happened in elementary and highschool, I realized that my 'teasing' had on several occasions gone far over the line and had likely caused some serious emotional damage to these two young women. In fact, there were some evil and cruel things said to them. Pretty much all of the extremely cruel things that were said were voiced by a group of older guys that I now realize I was trying to look cool in front of. But I did my fair share. I laughed loudly, pointed my fingers at the girls, and even chipped in a sharp witted dagger from time to time. God... I remember at least one occasion when one gal ran off crying and didn't return to class for a couple of days. Ugh.
But what do you do now? Twelve years later I don't even remember their names. I have vague images of their faces, but I'm sure I wouldn't recognize either of them if I saw them on the street. I don't own a yearbook. And I don't really keep in touch with anybody from my highschool days.
So, I was actually a little bit excited when my wife discovered this old highschool alumni of mine at the coffee shop. Perhaps some of my past mistakes could be made right. Nervously, I picked up the phone. I was determined to get together with her to apologize face to face. And what better opportunity than NOW to call her. Yes... and perhaps I could track down her girlfriend from back in the day and apologize to her as well.
"Hey there Susan, its Miroslav."
Nervous laughter on the other end of the line, "Uh... hey..."
"My wife was in your coffee shop today and she told me that she ran in to you. I wanted to call you to see if we could get together sometime in person. I owe you an apology."
"Oh... that's not necessary. Its not a big deal. I was just giving your wife a hard time really."
"Susan, I just feel really badly. I've actually thought about this for years. {interject Oprah story here} ... Until now I've had no way to get in touch with you. Wasn't there another girl that we picked on also?"
"Hmmm. I can't remember another girl. But there was this guy. We were all in Economics together. But you know what, its not that big of a deal."
"I really appreciate your gracefulness Susan. I don't deserve it. Although you are being very kind to me in saying that its not a big deal, I want you to know its important to me. And I want to apologize for what I did back then. It was wrong of me. Will you forgive me?"
"Totally... We all do stupid things sometimes in life. ... Thank you for calling."
"Thank YOU again, for your forgiveness and gracefulness. Goodbye."
*click*
And then, I'm left to wrestle with the fact that she was not one of the two gals from history class. In fact she represents a completely different set of people that I hurt whom I hurt... seriously enough for her to remember my name and to bring it up to a complete stranger, my wife at that.
I feel like a complete pile right now. And that is with nothing said of the fact that at that time I was one of the most vocal Christian voices on the campus. Yuck.
Part of me want to call Susan back and get that other guy's phone number and call him and apologize. I have a vague memory of him being the heavyset gay Hispanic guy on campus. I can only imagine what I must have said to him. The other part of me thinks it would be pretty disingenuous to call this guy I don't even remember interacting with to apologize for things I don't remember saying. What a jerk I am.
And that's really the most upsetting part of it all. None of what I did or said back then to Susan even put a blip on my heart's radar. I don't remember any of it. I now realize I barely even remember her.
I wonder if Hitler felt like this.
"Miroslav? I went to highschool with a guy named Miroslav."
"Oh yeah? That's my husband! What a small world..."
*Awkward pause*
"What did you say your name was?", my wife asked the cashier.
"Susan. ... But I doubt he will remember me. He tormented me back in highschool; pretty much made my life miserable."
The story continues...
Yeah. Wow. ... I couldn't believe it when my wife called me this morning and told me she had ran in to an old acquaintance of mine. Since I spent most of my life in the same town, its not too uncommon to run in to people from the past. But I'd never experienced anything like this before. I was floored.
"Are you serious?", my wife asked. Then, trying to use a little humor to bridge the awkward distance that had developed so quickly in the conversation, "That's it. I'm filing for divorce as soon as I see him!"
"Oh, its no big deal. We all do things in life that hurt other people. We've all done things in our life that we regret..."
Two girls I knew back in highschool jumped in to my memory. They both had a reputation for being promiscous and we shared a History class together. They were both hurting, socially on the fringe sort of people. I remember countless afternoons, sitting around during class poking fun at them with at least two other guys in the class. At the time, I thought of it as harmless. But a couple of years in to college I remember watching an episode of Oprah where they reunited people with their childhood bullies. When I saw these grown adults on TV shedding real tears over events that happened in elementary and highschool, I realized that my 'teasing' had on several occasions gone far over the line and had likely caused some serious emotional damage to these two young women. In fact, there were some evil and cruel things said to them. Pretty much all of the extremely cruel things that were said were voiced by a group of older guys that I now realize I was trying to look cool in front of. But I did my fair share. I laughed loudly, pointed my fingers at the girls, and even chipped in a sharp witted dagger from time to time. God... I remember at least one occasion when one gal ran off crying and didn't return to class for a couple of days. Ugh.
But what do you do now? Twelve years later I don't even remember their names. I have vague images of their faces, but I'm sure I wouldn't recognize either of them if I saw them on the street. I don't own a yearbook. And I don't really keep in touch with anybody from my highschool days.
So, I was actually a little bit excited when my wife discovered this old highschool alumni of mine at the coffee shop. Perhaps some of my past mistakes could be made right. Nervously, I picked up the phone. I was determined to get together with her to apologize face to face. And what better opportunity than NOW to call her. Yes... and perhaps I could track down her girlfriend from back in the day and apologize to her as well.
"Hey there Susan, its Miroslav."
Nervous laughter on the other end of the line, "Uh... hey..."
"My wife was in your coffee shop today and she told me that she ran in to you. I wanted to call you to see if we could get together sometime in person. I owe you an apology."
"Oh... that's not necessary. Its not a big deal. I was just giving your wife a hard time really."
"Susan, I just feel really badly. I've actually thought about this for years. {interject Oprah story here} ... Until now I've had no way to get in touch with you. Wasn't there another girl that we picked on also?"
"Hmmm. I can't remember another girl. But there was this guy. We were all in Economics together. But you know what, its not that big of a deal."
"I really appreciate your gracefulness Susan. I don't deserve it. Although you are being very kind to me in saying that its not a big deal, I want you to know its important to me. And I want to apologize for what I did back then. It was wrong of me. Will you forgive me?"
"Totally... We all do stupid things sometimes in life. ... Thank you for calling."
"Thank YOU again, for your forgiveness and gracefulness. Goodbye."
*click*
And then, I'm left to wrestle with the fact that she was not one of the two gals from history class. In fact she represents a completely different set of people that I hurt whom I hurt... seriously enough for her to remember my name and to bring it up to a complete stranger, my wife at that.
I feel like a complete pile right now. And that is with nothing said of the fact that at that time I was one of the most vocal Christian voices on the campus. Yuck.
Part of me want to call Susan back and get that other guy's phone number and call him and apologize. I have a vague memory of him being the heavyset gay Hispanic guy on campus. I can only imagine what I must have said to him. The other part of me thinks it would be pretty disingenuous to call this guy I don't even remember interacting with to apologize for things I don't remember saying. What a jerk I am.
And that's really the most upsetting part of it all. None of what I did or said back then to Susan even put a blip on my heart's radar. I don't remember any of it. I now realize I barely even remember her.
I wonder if Hitler felt like this.
posted by Miroslav at 1:32 PM
11 Comments:
Hey Miroslav, this story gives me a reason to pause for sure. Recently I was thinking of a couple of kids I used to tease when I was a kid--it makes me feel HORRIBLE! Talk about 'cringe factor'. I was a mean old son-of-a-... I could and do get very down about it and think to myself "If I could apologize to these guys, I would". So I'm proud of you for going for it.
Hey!
I'm Miro's Momma; I'm an alcoholic.
I think it's cool that the moms are the first to chime in on this one. (Hey, Marita!)
I have been known to say that I am glad to be sober alcoholic; what I should've said is that I am grateful for the opportunity to "go through" the 12 steps with someone who went through them before me.
There are three steps before those listed below, and two after, but these are the seven I try to live by. Note that the steps prior to the “scary” 9th step are what have prepared me to pick up the phone, take the drive, write the letter, etc. to make the amends I need to make.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Important to note that in many cases, those I had harmed did not graciously welcome me back into their lives. Some didn’t even return the call for me to make the amends. There were others who tried to convince me that it was all in my head, that they had felt nothing except good things from me. Whatever the response, what was most critical for me to convey is that I now see what I had done, I acknowledged the damage that my actions had caused, apologized to them formally and promised that I would not repeat the action toward anyone in my life. I thanked them for hearing me and asked their forgiveness. Some gave it, some couldn’t, or chose not to.
The 10th step is the step that keeps me on the sober path; of course, God’s grace and mercy toward me is the real reason. But I rarely get myself painted into the corner of despair because of my actions or words towards others. I have not wanted to drink in over 14 years. Life is very good.
I am grateful for the 12 steps. Very freeing indeed…
Yo Momma
WE FORGIVE YOU MARITA!!!!
Marita,
Yeah, I feel like crap about it all. Particularly about the wounds that I inflicted without even knowing/caring/remembering.
Momma,
Thanks for all the years of being such a great example to me of being willing to make yourself vulnerable, even when you've made mistakes. You rock. :)
Rhonda,
Awesome! I have a gnawing feeling inside that tells me that the mean things I said in highschool will likely never be 'resolved' ... that is to say, I'll never have an opportunity to make ammends. Its not that I'm unwilling to go to the people, I just don't think it would be appropriate/helpful. (?)
Marita's Family,
too funny. hehe....
Bah. Ok damnit. This thing just won't go away. So tell me people, shall I track these two gals down (and now this newly mentioned guy) and apologize?
I could always mosey on down to the school and browse their yearbooks, or do the myspace thing. Or perhaps the classmates thing.
I'm thinking yes.
The only reason I haven't yet is that I'm not sure that digging up past stuff will be helpful. Ok. You know what? That is just BS. I need to just jump in and do it.
If some stranger for 10 years called me up to apologize for something... even if I didn't initially take offense at it, or even if it didn't hurt that bad, or if I had written it off to youthful stupidity ... I would still be encouraged by it. So. I think I'm gonna do it.
Thoughts?
If your actions from high school still bother you then I think perhaps it is important enough for you to follow through and attempt to make apologies/amends.
I recently had to face my own stupidity from high school and believe it or not I had deeply hurt my own best friend without even being aware of it at the time. I have made apologies and I believe they were accepted by said friend. However, I didn't expect to deal with the personal hurt I would experience when my apologies were deemed insincere by others.
There's nothing you can do to control other people's reactions. I guess it's just a chance you have to take in order to make the apologies you feel are necessary. My advice is to prepare yourself for the worst receptions and you'll be pleasantly suprised by the good ones.
AJ,
Thank you for sharing your story, warning, and encouragement. I'm with you 100%. I've had poor responses from apologies, I think I'm prepared to receive some backlash. Heck, I probably deserve it (I mean if we are apologizing, we probably deserve a little bit of backlash right?). Thanks for your comment.
I remember when I was young. I was confronted one time and threatened with bodily harm. I must confess, I was scared...real scared. It was like a punch to the gu....but don't let me ramble on aboot these minor details.
Miro My Son.
What I've learned about apologies and the responses (and how they affect me) is this:
1. Have no expectation other than to speak the apology and ask for their forgiveness.
2. Give them a just a tiny bit of information on how I came to apologize to them, but only so they have a context - not to unload any of my sometimes wacky, convoluted thought (or heart) process.
3. Be quiet for longer than I am comfortable with, so that they can absorb, remember and respond (in whatever way they choose).
4. ACCEPT their response.
5. Promise them that you will not treat anyone like that again - and mean it.
Besides choosing to make the apology in the first place, step C is by far the most difficult. It's number 5, though, that is the most valuable.
There's my 5 cents worth.
I love you and your beautiful wife and your amazing children. What a great family you are! I'm glad you're all back together after your wild bachelor week.
Yo Momma
i read something once that said the people who hurt us most usually don't remember doing it...we remember it because it really hurt us, but they don't remember it at all because we didn't matter to them, then or now. you realized the truth of this statement. the thing to do now, is not to try to apologize to those people for something that they've likely conquered already (even if not "gotten over it) as a burden that they overcame, but to make sure to educate. tell others not to do this...if you have kids, make sure they understand the reality of their actions...and not to do it again yourself. it's the little things in life that really matter, but most people never realize this.
sidewards8,
pipe down punk or I'll make good on my promise. ... Oh crap, there I go again.
Momma,
Thanks for the tips. All great (but difficult) suggestions!
Aeroangel,
One correction. You wrote: "didn't matter to them, then or now." ... The didn't matter then. But they do now.
I am still deciding wether or not to call these remaining people. I went and got yearbooks, and signed up for myspace ... trying to track them down. Found one of the three so far. ... I'll keep y'all updated via the blog.
Post a Comment
<< Home